


Show Me Your True Colours

by xMidnightsLullaby



Category: Let's Cast Off (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, Angst, Falling In Love, M/M, Soulmates, Teacher-Student Relationship, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:21:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 67,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23376067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xMidnightsLullaby/pseuds/xMidnightsLullaby
Summary: About 7 years ago, Haruki had lost his vision. Well, not completely. He could still see things, but all the colour in the world had been replaced by dull shades of black and white. This was nothing uncommon. Most people experienced this phenomenon during their puberty – some earlier, some later. Only one colour remained visible – the colour of their soulmate’s eyes. But not for Haruki. His world had been sombre and empty since he was 12 years old. Not a single colour lighted the grey environment around him and it never would. Because Haruki’s soulmate was dead.
Relationships: Kaito Asahi & Haruki Watanabe, Kaito Asahi / Haruki Watanabe
Comments: 23
Kudos: 184





	1. Auburn

About 7 years ago, Haruki had lost his vision. Well, not completely. He could still see things, but all the colour in the world had been replaced by dull shades of black and white. This was nothing uncommon. Most people experienced this phenomenon during their puberty – some earlier, some later. Only one colour remained visible – the colour of their soulmate’s eyes. Some could see the blue sky on a sunny day, some the brown of chocolate. As soon as they met their true soulmate, people regained their ability to see colour – but only when their soulmate was with them. To make this permanent, the fated pair needed to accept each other as their partner and consummate their bond. As soon as the colour vision faded, most children happily awaited the day they would meet their soulmate. Excitedly, they talked about the colours they could see, discussing who their pair might be. But Haruki wasn’t excited. Not even once he joined his friends’ conversation on this topic. Because his world had been sombre and empty since he was 12 years old. Not a single colour lighted the grey environment around him and it never would. Because Haruki’s soulmate was dead.

Haruki sighed, looking out of the window. It was a beautiful day in late summer, the summer that started his senior year. Just a few more months and he would be done with school. Haruki couldn’t wait to get out of there and finally start university. Most of his childhood friends had already started studying elsewhere while he was still caught up in his hometown as the oldest student in his class.

“Haven’t you heard? The new French teacher is supposed to be super hot.”

The giggling of the girls behind him, made Haruki sigh again. Hopefully, people in university would be a lot different than high schoolers.

“I already saw him when he was talking to the principle this morning,” Liliana boasted.

“And? Tell us!”

“He’s really young. I heard he is only an assistant teacher, but because French is his native language he was allowed to fill for Mrs. March.”

What a shame that exactly Haruki’s favourite teacher had become pregnant right before his final year. Haruki had planned to do his oral finals in French and since Mrs. March had always liked him, he had been really positive about it, but with a completely new teacher…

“And what else?”

“Oh he’s handsome.”

“Come on! Don’t let us worm every word out of you.”

“He’s the most beautiful person you’ve ever seen. He’s tall and good god, his shoulders are broad. I bet he’s training a lot. I wouldn’t mind at all being held in arms at all.”

“What else?”

Judging from all the voices that joined the conversation, half of the girls in Haruki’s class were hang on Liliana’s lips.

“He has beautiful features. A very masculine face. I can tell he takes good care of his appearance. His hair is PERFECT.”

“What about his eyes?” The other girls asked as if this was the only important question.

“God I wish I would know what colour his eyes are, because they are already stunning this way. I guess they are a light colour like blue or something.”

“Image such a perfect man was your soulmate,” Jenny sighed.

“Do you know if he’s single?”

Oh that topic again. Haruki wasn’t surprised that this topic had come up so fast. Most people in his age were desperate to find their soulmate. And a handsome young teacher would probably be a great catch for every girl.

Haruki leaned his arms onto the window board, his eyes following the few clouds outside. How nice it would be to see the colour of the sky again. It had already been so long since had last seen that bright colour that was able to light up the environment and his mood. Most of the time, Haruki had come to terms with the fact that he didn’t have a soulmate anymore. Although he couldn’t be completely sure about it, Haruki was certain that his soulmate had died before they had been able to meet. He knew from his mother that once a soulmate passed away, the other person would see colours in a more dull and faded way. Yet he who had never met his fated partner, quite apart from bonding with them, was forced to live in light and dark shades of grey.

“I don’t know. But I wouldn’t be surprised if such a hottie like him already…”

Suddenly all the giggles fell silent, making Haruki turn his face towards the front.

Their homeroom teacher Ms. Miller had stepped into their classroom and they got up to greet her.

“Hello and welcome everyone. I hope you are as excited about your last year as I am. This will be a very important year for all of you. Please do your best the following months as well.

As you already know, most of your teachers will stay the same, except for Mrs. March who is thanking you all for your cards and best wishes. Luckily, we were able to get a great replacement for you. He will definitely get those of you who intend to do your finals in French ready for the exam. Mr. Asahi might be a lot younger than most of us since he comes directly out of university. But I expect every one of you to treat him with respect and to welcome him at our school properly. I invited him over for the last minutes of this class to get to know all of you.

Until then, we will talk about some organisational issues. During the next few months you will all have to decide…”

Haruki’s glance returned to the world outside the window. He already knew all the things his teacher was about to tell them. They had held the same speech at the end of last year, and only repeated it for all his classmates who weren’t able to remember any of those important things that ranged from absence notes to choosing their final subjects.

There was a light wind blowing through the leaves of the old maple in front of the window. The tree was old and tall, it’s crown spending the student’s cooling shade in the summer. Some of its leaves weren’t able to hold on to the branches and were carried away, out of Haruki’s sight. How much he wished to be carried away with them to some different place. Just like the clouds that racked over the stunningly bright blue sky.

Wait blue?

Haruki squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. This had been imagination. It must have been! He opened his eyes again, yet the same light grey tinted the sky as usual. Haruki couldn’t deny the pinching pain in his heart. Just for a second he had believed that…

No. He mustn’t even think about that. There was no reason to get his hopes up.

Somewhere far away, Haruki listened to Ms. Miller’s voice while concentrating on his breath until the pain was gone. She was already talking about the summer festival, so class must be over soon. Turning his head to the other side, Haruki could see that a lot of the girls were already watching the door eagerly.

Even if he wanted to pay attention, Haruki’s eyes followed their natural bias to the left and out of the window once more. Although it was only mid-September the leaves of the maple had already shifted their colour to stunning shades of red and orange. A little, it looked like the tree was catching fire.

Fire?

Haruki nearly fell from his chair. This time he had been sure. He had seen colours. Real colours. Not his imagination, nor his memory had played a trick on him. This was real! How… How was this even possible?

“Haruki? Are you alright?”

Ms. Miller’s voice woke Haruki up from his shock.

He turned towards her, but she was only black and white. Her hair was the usual anthracite, her clothes nearly black.

“I’m… I’m fine, Ms. Miller. Thank you.”

The woman looked at him a little concerned, but a soft knock on the door took her attention away from Haruki and she returned to the front of the class.

“Please come in.”

The door opened and a young man walked into the room.

Haruki’s ears detected the giggle of the girls next to him. He could hear his teacher welcome her new colleague. But nothing of that reached his brain. His heart was beating painfully against his chest, his breathing was faster than ever before. He was even hyperventilating. His fingers trembled, his legs were shaking. Haruki was overwhelmed. He had no idea what was happening. His head ached from the overstimulation. Because all of a sudden, his world was painted in bright, uncountable colours. Shades of red, pink, green, blue – every colour that Haruki could think of crashed onto him. Yet the most prominent was a light grey. A light grey that resembled the sky on a rainy day. A grey that painted the ocean before a storm. A grey that was the last thing Haruki saw before everything turned black.


	2. Cherry-red

„Where’s my brother? Is he okay?”

Haruki heard the voice calling for him only from afar. Where was he? Why did his head hurt so much?

“He’s in here, Mr. Watanabe. He’s still unconscious, but I’m sure he’ll wake up soon.”

Steps came closer and someone stroke a strand of hair out of Haruki’s face.

“What happened to him?” Another voice asked.

“We don’t know. He fainted in class, so we brought him here.”

“Hey, Kiki. What are you doing again?” the soft voice of his brother whispered next to him as the fondled his hair.

“Takeshi?” Haruki moaned, opening his eyes a little.

The bright light hurt him so he closed them again. Blinking through his lashes, Haruki tried to make out where he was. He was lying in a proper bed. All around were curtains, sheltering him from the sight of curious eyes. So he was in the infirmary. But how did he get there?

“Kiki? Nurse! He’s waking up.”

The young school nurse pushed Takeshi away from Haruki and placed her hand onto his forehead while measuring his pulse.

“How you’re feeling, Haruki? Does anything hurt?”

“My head,” he croaked.

“I thought so. You fell from your chair and hit your head on the floor. I don’t think that you have a concussion, but if you continue to feel pain or nauseous you should consult a doctor.”

“Don’t you think we should drive him to the hospital to get a scan right away? You still have time to drive us, Cornel, don’t you?”

Haruki looked behind Takeshi where a young man in tailored high-quality suit was waiting. So it had been Cornelius to drive him here. Haruki was relieved that his brother’s boyfriend hadn’t allowed him to take the car in such a worried state.

“Sure. I postponed all meetings until this afternoon.”

“Guys, please,” Haruki begged, feeling uncomfortable with all the attention.

“I don’t think this is necessary, Mr. Watanabe. All your brother needs now is rest and a cold pad.”

“But…”

“Takeshi, I guess she knows what she’s doing. Let him get some rest first before we decide what is best to do,” Cornelius stepped in.

Takeshi sighed. “Alright. Thanks for taking care of him.”

The nurse nodded and left them alone.

Instantly, Takeshi turned towards Haruki again.

“What happened? What made you faint? Please don’t tell me you went to school sick again. I told you that…”

“No. That’s not it.”

Haruki lowered his face and tried to remember what had been happening. His head throbbed, but it was no use. He needed think about what had caused him to fall unconscious.

“I was in class. Ms. Miller gave her usual ‘first day of the year’-speech. There was nothing special. But then…”

Haruki lifted his head and examined his surroundings. The bedding was white, just like the curtains. There was nothing unusual about that. His gaze wandered towards the window and several small needles left painful pinches in his heart. The sky was once more coloured in its usual light grey, the trees painted in different shades of anthracite. For the first time after waking up, Haruki realised that his world had turned back to normal. There was not the slightest hint of colour anymore and more than on any other day in his life, Haruki felt like the fading of colour had taken his energy and happiness with it.

“Yeah? What happened then?” Takeshi’s voice couldn’t hide how worried he was.

Although Haruki wanted to talk to someone, he couldn’t tell Takeshi. He didn’t want him to worry, nor did he want him to gather too much hope that Haruki still had a soulmate. If he had just imagined seeing colour again, Haruki didn’t want to disappoint him.

“I… I don’t know. Maybe it was just my circulation. I didn’t eat much for breakfast.”

Takeshi rolled his eyes. “How often did I tell you to eat properly before you leave the house. Especially when mum isn’t there to make you something.”

“I know, Takeshi. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m just happy that it isn’t anything worse. Come on. We’ll drive you home and make sure you stay in bed for the rest of the day.”

“But what’s with school?”

“You’re such a nerd. School’s not as important as your health. And it’s only the first day anyways. You won’t miss anything.”

Takeshi helped Haruki to get up. His legs were still wobbly, so he had to hold on to his brother. While his mind was still numbed and unable to reflect properly on what had exactly happened, his body seemed to remember this overstimulation quite well. Cornelius took his bag that had been lying next to Haruki’s bed and they left the infirmary.

They were slow to leave the building, but the fresh air outside was a blessing to Haruki’s clouded mind. He looked around to make sure none of his fellow students would notice them. It was already embarrassing enough to faint in class. He didn’t need any of his classmates to see his brother and make a fuss about him again. Since Takeshi had been invited to hold dance classes in school, too many people had begged Haruki to arrange blind dates or give him his contact info to them. Too many students tended to believe in the ‘you can change your soulmate if you just try enough’ sayings. As if Takeshi would leave Cornelius after all they had been through.

Haruki turned around and his eyes wandered up to the teacher’s lounge on their own. It was like his body was looking for something in particular. For a second nothing happened, but when a broad back leaned against the window, another lightning struck Haruki. It wasn’t as overwhelming this time, but he could still feel his nerves burn as his world lighted up in bright colours once more. The beige façade of the school building, the bright yellow of the sun that seemed to warm up his skin for the first time in years. The whole world appeared to be a different place now that it was filled with life.

“Haruki? Are you okay? You’re trembling.” his brother asked, but Haruki wasn’t able to reply.

For the first time in seven years, he was able to see the colour in Takeshi’s eyes, the cherry-red of his hair. Haruki had completely forgotten that Takeshi looked at lot like…

“D-Dad?”

Haruki’s knees gave in and both Takeshi and Cornelius had to hold him upright.

“Kiki!”

With his chest feeling like it was about to burst, Haruki wasn’t able to sort himself. His body wouldn’t listen to him anymore as his mind was filled with colourful memories of the past.

“Cornel, I’m going to carry him for the rest of the way. Can you please get the car?”

“Sure.”

He heard their voiced, but the cramps of his heart were too much for him to handle. Only marginally, he noticed how Takeshi lifted him up and Cornelius hurried towards the parking area.

The car ride home had been completely quiet. Cornelius had been driving while Takeshi had taken the backseat next to Haruki. As soon as they had left the school grounds, the colours had vanished again and somehow, Haruki was happy about it, not matter how much it the lump in his throat made it harder to breathe. As the car rolled passed they grey city, Haruki slowly calmed down from his shock.

When they got home, Takeshi and his boyfriend had helped him upstairs and his brother him tugged into the sheets. Now that he had turned all black and white again, Takeshi looked like himself once more – much to Haruki’s relief. He had enough to think about today, he didn’t need things from the past to mingle with it.

“I’ll get you cream puffs, okay?” Takeshi said after placing a glass of water on the nightstand. “Cornel, can you please look after him for me until I get back?”

“I’m not a baby, Takeshi! I can take care of myself!”

“I’m not risking that you get up to get a stupid book and hurt yourself. You either stay in bed and let Cornelius keep you company or we drive to the hospital to get you that scan right away.”

Haruki bit down his lower lip.

“It’s okay, Takeshi. I’ll stay here until you get back,” Cornelius answered.

Haruki’s bother nodded and left the room.

“I’m 19. Why is he always so overprotective?” Haruki sighed after the door had been closed.

“Because he cares about you.”

Cornelius walked over to him and sat down on the mattress besides Haruki.

“Doesn’t it bother you?”

“Bother? Why should it?”

“You’re his boyfriend. You should be the most important person to him. But whenever there’s something up at home, he drops everything.”

“Ahh. Yeah. I know what you mean.” Cornelius smiled.

“So? Doesn’t it bother you?”

Cornelius was Takeshi’s fated pair. He was the son of the CEO of a really big company and therefore his successor. His daily life was determined by getting up early, filled with business meetings, making important decisions and staying late in the office. Compared to that, Takeshi took life easy. He owned his own dance studio where he taught all kinds of dancing. From standard dance and Latin to hip hop, he could to everything. But no matter how much of a pro he could be in front of his students and bank consultants, Haruki had never seen him get off before 11 am. And if he went to bed at 3am it wasn’t due to work, but because he had been out partying. That Cornelius and Takeshi had met even despite living in such different worlds had been highly unlikely – yet it had happened. And no matter how different he and Cornelius were, they were happy.

“You know, in the beginning, I didn’t understand him. My family isn’t as close with each other as yours. Maybe I was a little jealous. But honesty, his caring and protective side is something I really appreciate about him. And the longer we know each other, the more I come to experience the same protectionism he feels towards you. I’m his soulmate after all. With our bond, we share our feelings, too.”

Haruki nodded.

“He just can’t help caring about you. Ever since your father died, he made it his duty to make sure that you’re okay. I know that he can be annoying sometimes, but try to understand him, too.”

“I know…”

They fell silent for a while. At some point, however, Haruki couldn’t hold back the question that had been burning in his mind since he woke up in the infirmary.

“How was it when you met Takeshi for the first time?”

Cornelius lifted his brow, probably wondering where this question was coming from. But luckily, he didn’t ask.

“Well… You know why I was in his dance school, don’t you?”

Haruki nodded.

“I was late. Everyone else was already there. I ran up the stairs and when I stepped through the door, I saw him. It was overwhelming. For years, I’ve only seen this turquoise colour that painted the ocean we visited so often when I was a child. All of a sudden, my whole world was shining and shimmering in those vivid colours that I couldn’t really remember. It felt like my world had been in in the dark for my whole life and suddenly, someone had turned on the light. Yet not matter how fascinating all these colours had been, I had only eyes for Takeshi. I looked at your brother and it seemed like he was the source of all this light. He was the reason why my life suddenly seemed to be worth living. From that moment on I knew that I always wanted to be by his side, no matter how much it would take to be with him.”


	3. Beechwood-brown

On the next morning, Haruki was more nervous than ever to go to school again. Takeshi had begged him to stay at home another day, but after missing school for more than 9 months which had forced him to repeat the 5th grade, Haruki wouldn’t stay away one single day more. Yet no matter how determined he was, his knees were trembling like a leave just thinking about his French teacher and that he would see him again today. Unsure if he would make it there on his bike without any injury, he had accepted his brother’s offer to drive him to school.

“Are you sure you want to do this, Kiki?” Takeshi asked him after he had parked the car.

“You know I need to go,” Haruki mumbled, but his hands were shaking so much, he wasn’t sure if they could bring down the handle to open the door.

“Haruki, please, there’s no use in going in there if you don’t feel well.”

“I’m fine, I’m just… nervous.”

“Why would you be nervous? Did something happen?”

“No, Takeshi…”

“Did someone mock or bully you?”

“No.”

Haruki could feel Takeshi’s worried gaze on him while he stared down to his folded hands in his lap. He felt guilty for not telling Takeshi why he was so nervous. But before he wasn’t sure how he would handle this situation, it was better not to involve him.

Haruki had thought about it all night. Not closing his eyes for a minute, he had tried to figure everything out. Of course he was happy to still have a soulmate. Yet after years of believing that he would be alone for the rest of his life, he wasn’t sure how to feel about suddenly meeting his fated partner. On top of that, his soulmate had turned out to be his teacher. He was at least 6 years older than Haruki and supposed to take care of him, to educate him and not to get to know him and spend time with him. How were they supposed to act normally around each other knowing that they were supposed to be together? How should Mr. Asahi grade him properly if he knew that he and Haruki might…

Would he even like him? Wouldn’t he be disappointed to find out that Haruki was his soulmate? Haruki wasn’t special. He was small and thin. He wasn’t good at talking with people, rather hiding himself behind his books. He didn’t have many friends, he preferred to play video games when he needed some distraction rather than meeting outside in the sun. He wasn’t good at sports, nor did he have any other hobby that was interesting. The only thing he was good at was studying – which might be a nice quality as a student, but not very inspiring for a soulmate. Mr. Asahi was young and handsome judging from what Liliana had said before class and the text messages the girls had sent in their class group after meeting him for the first time yesterday. He deserved someone beautiful, someone who was interesting and fun to be with.

Furthermore, Haruki didn’t even know if Mr. Asahi was interested in men. There had been enough cases in which soulmates had turned out as best friends but not lovers since they weren’t drawn to their partner in a sexual way. Sometimes, soulmates had been abandoned, because their partner didn’t want to accept their gender. For him, Haruki didn’t mind Mr. Asahi being male since he had always felt more comfortable with men, but he wasn’t so sure if his teacher thought about it the same way.

Still, he couldn’t help but look forward to their next meeting. Being able to see colour again, to feel the rush of warmth and happiness that had been overshadowed by his surprise, but had been still sensible afterwards again was just too tempting. Just like Cornelius had told him, there was this force drawing him towards his teacher and the desire to be with him for as long as he could. Also, he wanted to get a better look at Mr. Asahi. Haruki wanted to hear his voice, his laugh. He wanted to know how he moved, how his touch might feel.

“Haruki?” Takeshi turned towards him again.

“Hm?”

“I can see something is bothering you. I just wish you would tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’m fine, Takeshi. I promise.”

Haruki’s brother sighed. “Alright. But if there’s anything I can do-“

“I’ll tell you.”

“Good.”

Takeshi ruffled through Haruki’s hair.

“And now you better get going or I’ll think twice and take you home with me.”

Haruki’s hands were covered in sweat when he sat down at his desk in the second row, right beside the window. First two periods were math, so he could use the time to calm down a little. Math has never been a problem for him, unlike it was for his classmates. Haruki liked how logical it was, though it missed the exceptions and little details that made languages so interesting and challenging. After a break, history and economy were following before he would be confronted with the inevitable.

Yet it was useless for Haruki to try following his teachers’ remarks. In the back of his mind, he was counting the seconds that passed. Just a few thousands more and the last lesson of the day would finally arrive.

Haruki had no idea how he should behave. Should he approach him? Should he wait for Mr.Asahi to do something? Not even looking outside the window calmed Haruki down. Now that he knew how beautiful the world could be, it was more depressing than ever to see everything in shades of black and white.

“Urgh, I’m sooo not motivated for French even though it’s just the first lesson of the year,” Haruki heard someone sigh behind him.

“But Mr. Asahi is going to be an excellent teacher,” one of the girls stepped in.

“Pff. Only because he’s hot doesn’t mean he’s good in what he’s doing.”

“Haven’t you heard that French is his native language? I bet I could listen to him talk all day.”

“Which wouldn’t be of any use since you’re just as bad in French as I am, Meggy. He could swear eternal love to you and you wouldn’t understand a word.”

It was stupid, but Haruki felt his chest cramp just imagining that Mr. Asahi might confess to someone who wasn’t him. He didn’t know anything about him, he didn’t even know if he liked his teacher. It was childish to feel jealous just because Mr. Asahi was soulmate. Just being chosen to be together by fate wasn’t enough to be in love. There was a lot more to a working relationship than just that. Still…

Before Haruki could continue to get all worked up on such a small thing, everything around him slowly took on colour - the light brown wood of his desk, the blue cover of his textbook. Haruki looked up. For the first time, he was able to see his classmates for real. He could see their different hair colours, the small colourful clips some of the girls wore. The shades of their bags that were as colourful as a rainbow and which accompanied the various patterns printed onto the fabric.

It was exciting to take in all those new impressions, but Haruki’s heavily beating heart reminded him that the cause of this sudden change must be close and only a few seconds later, the young teacher entered the class room. As he prepared his notes on the teacher’s desk, Haruki examined him closely. His hair was blond though his side cut revealed his darker roots. A light grey jacket covered his broad, masculine shoulders and complemented his slim waist. Haruki instantly knew why the girls were crazy about him. He was the perfect image of a male model.

When Mr. Asahi lifted his head and Haruki could finally see his face. Marginally, he noted that he had exceptionally beautiful features. He had just the right edges to be masculine, yet the soft smile on his lips made him extremely handsome. Everything about him seemed to be perfect. Yet it was once again those stunning grey eyes that Haruki knew from those rainy days in spring that caught him. So this was why the sky on such days had always appeared more lively to him. This was why he had always been drawn towards the sky above the ocean before a storm. He had always believed his soulmate to be dead, but it his fated partner’s eyes just happened to be so close to the grey and white spectrum that someone who had lost all colour-vision couldn’t properly discriminate it to be different.

Haruki followed Mr. Asahi’s eyes as they wandered over the class room. His brows were narrowed a little as if he was looking for something. He examined every single student closely before his eyes stopped at Haruki. Their gazes locked with each other and even if Haruki had wanted to look away, he couldn’t. He was too nervous to see the expression on Mr. Asahi’s face change, but nothing like that happened. Only his chest moved up and down in a deep sigh before he broke out of the spell that had surrounded them.

“Bonjour tout le monde.”


	4. Amethyst

For Haruki, it had felt special when their eyes had finally met. Although he could only attend to the light grey iris, he had noticed how the colours around him brightened up even more. It was like Mr. Asahi radiated a light that intensified their shades. It made everything more lively, more real and much more beautiful.

Yet this sensation didn’t last long. Because instead of surprise or happiness or any kind of reaction that Haruki had waited for, Mr. Asahi just closed his eyes and sighed. He simply broke out of the spell that had surrounded them. Even more than that, he averted his gaze. Not only his eyes were turned away, it was his whole body that shifted away from Haruki and with it, it took the light away. Despite still being able to see colours, Haruki felt like they had lost their saturation. Like they were more dull and insignificant. Like the fact that his soulmate acted so indifferent towards him had made them loose their meaning.

The following minutes, Haruki wasn’t able to follow Mr. Asahi’s class. What had just happened? Shouldn’t have Mr. Asahi realised that Haruki was his soulmate? Shouldn’t he be happy? Or surprised? Or mad? Anyways, shouldn’t he have shown at least the slightest change in his expression? Yet as their eyes had lost themselves in their counterpart, his face had remained unchanged. Neutral with a rather cold undertone. And then, he had just looked away. Not a smile, not a nod to signalise that he knew what was going on. It was more like… he had ignored Haruki.

This impression became even stronger throughout the lesson. While Mr. Asahi tended to every other student, smiled whenever someone gave the right answer and focused on every one of them when they were speaking, his eyes never travelled towards Haruki. Not that the boy tried to raise his arm and say something. He was way too confused to take part in class. He wouldn’t have gotten a straight sentence out anyway. In trance he managed to write down the notes his teacher scrabbled onto the black board.

Haruki couldn’t help but noticed that for a male teacher Mr. Asahi had a really neat handwriting – tidy and without any curlicues. Somehow, he had the feeling that it matched his personality – straightforward, open-hearted. Maybe that was why he didn’t want to look at Haruki. Maybe he was disappointed and didn’t care to fake sympathy with him. Still, there could be a lot of different reasons for his behaviour. Haruki just wished he knew which one of them was the true.

It hurt to be ignored by his soulmate, but Haruki needed to force himself to listen to his teacher no matter what. This was his last year. He couldn’t allow himself to not pay attention properly. Yet the longer he listen to Mr. Asahi’s soft voice, his beautiful way of pronouncing the words naturally, the lump in his stomach grew even more. Surely, he was biased, but Haruki could listen to him talking forever.

Mr. Asahi had a rather deep vocal range. It was warm and comfortable to follow. When he chuckled, his chest must certainly vibrate slightly. As he read a few lines of text they were discussing to the class, the prosody and intonation rather resembled a lullaby than a boring newspaper article. The single words flattered Haruki’s ear, they warmed his chest and made his heart relax and beat faster at the same time. They sent goose bumps over his skin and made him shiver.

Haruki shook his head vigorously. He noticed himself that his thoughts were jumping from trying to find an explanation for his teacher’s behaviour, to listening to his class and to admire him. Why couldn’t he just concentrate on what was important? Who cared if his teacher liked him or not? Who cared if he was his soulmate? Haruki was supposed to listen to his teacher and not think about unnecessary stuff he could ramble on when he was at home.

But then there was this cold sensation again. The feeling of being rejected before having the chance to really get to know each other that was so overflowing, so captivating that it froze Haruki’s body, making it impossible for him to concentrate. No matter how friendly and polite Mr. Asahi acted towards everyone, he didn’t look at Haruki not even once. Even if the student tried to act normally and participate, he surely would have continued to ignore him.

If Haruki was his brother, he would have put his hand up and get him to pay attention. Yet he wasn’t Takeshi. He wasn’t as bold or as brave. If his soulmate didn’t want to get to know him, to be with him or even look at him, there was nothing he could do about it. Mr. Asahi had probably made his choice and Haruki had to accept that.

Haruki felt sick, like someone had punched him into his stomach. Mr. Asahi – the person who had been chosen for him by fate – didn’t want him. Which was okay, Haruki told himself. This was not too uncommon. Millions of people had already been rejected by their soulmate. He had thought for years that he didn’t even have one anymore, so he should be happy to at least experience colour once again. This was fine. Even great. He had 9 months to brand them on his memory, to try and memorise as much shades as he could. This was more than he had ever hoped for. Maybe this was even more than he deserved.

The lesson went by incredibly slow and still the bell surprised Haruki. His classmates already packed their stuff to finally go home for the day while he was still staring onto his hardly-readable and not very sensible notes.

This was just the first lesson, but Haruki had to find a way to cope with this situation soon or he would not only loose his soulmate, but also his chance to finally leave this school and the town behind him.

Maybe it would be the best to put everything behind him right away. Tell Mr. Asahi that he knew what was going on, but that it was okay for him to not deepen their relationship. Just thinking about saying those words out loud made Haruki’s stomach cramp. He just hoped he would get them out without vomiting. But once it was done, he would hopefully be able to act like a normal student and Mr. Asahi could treat him like one, too.

Taking a deep breath, Haruki packed up his belongings and approached the teacher’s desk where Mr. Asahi was still busy taking notes on what they had done in class today.

His fingers clawed into the fabric of his backpack, Haruki gathered all his courage.

“Um… Excuse me, Mr. Asahi?”

The teacher jolted, but didn’t look up to him.

“My… my name is Haruki Watanabe. I’m…”

Haruki didn’t know how to end this sentence. ‘I’m your soulmate. But it’s fine if you don’t want me.’ Suddenly, this sounded incredibly stupid. Also, his teacher was still not looking up to him. Just a silent whisper slipped from his lips.

“Haruki…”

“Yeah?” the student replied, hoping that his teacher would finally talk to him.

But nothing like that happened. Instead, his teacher closed his notebook and got up from his chair in a hurry.

“I’m sorry, but I have an important appointment. May I ask you to leave so I can lock the classroom?”

Haruki felt like Mr. Asahi’s words shattered the glass ball that surrounded them – that had been there from the moment when their eyes had met for the first time. First there was the blow, something hard hitting the delicate glass. Then there was the shattering, the sound of the splinters falling to the ground. Some of them cut through his skin, just like Mr. Asahi’s harsh tone.

His feet covered in broken glass, Haruki blinked multiple times, trying so hard to hold back the tears. What had he done to make his teacher, his soulmate, so mad at him? Why did he hate him so much that he thought it was alright to treat him like that? If he wasn’t interested in him, if he already had a partner, he could have told Haruki. He would have understood. But to be so cold, so hateful even…

“S-Sure… I’m sorry to have bothered you,” Haruki whispered before he stormed outside.

He just hoped that Mr. Asahi hadn’t seen him crying.


	5. Turquoise

Right after Kaito had closed the door behind him, his knees gave in and he sank to the floor. How he had managed to gather is stuff from the teachers’ lounge, drive home safely and not freak out openly, he couldn’t tell anymore. His body was shaking all over, his fingers trembling like leaves. Kaito’s heart beat so fast, he felt like he was choking on it as it crashed his ribs. Resting his head on the door behind him, Kaito closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath.

This hadn’t quite been how he had imagined his first class to be. Of course, he had been nervous. To be offered a full-time job before fully finishing his degree was truly something special. But Kaito had taught before. He had tutored younger students and held classes for a language school during the holidays. He loved to bring his native language closer to other people. He enjoyed to help his students to get a better understanding of it, his home country and its traditions. So overall, he hadn’t been too concerned about holding his first class in a high school.

Yet his first day at the new school had changed everything. The moment he had stepped into the class room to be introduced to his students, Kaito had known that this school year would be a lot different than he had expected. When he had walked down the corridor to the class room, he had already noticed that something around him had changed. The usual grey shades had felt more vivid. The bright blue of the wristband he wore every day had been shining more brightly than before. At first, Kaito had believed that he was just imagining things. His nerves had been a little strained. He hadn’t slept too much the night before, so he hadn’t thought about it too much.

Then, however, his colleague, Ms. Miller, had opened the door and it had been like a wave of colours had crashed over his world. All those shades, those different pigments – Kaito hadn’t seen them for more than fifteen years. Completely overwhelmed, Kaito had looked around the class room to take in all the beauty he had missed for so long. Yet even before he had had the time to understand what was going on, one of the students had collapsed right before his eyes. The other students had freaked out immediately and Ms. Miller had sent Kaito to inform the school nurse. Of course, he had run to the infirmary and only when he arrived there, he had noticed that all the colours were gone once more.

When he had come home that day, Kaito had been more than confused. Everything had happened so fast that he wasn’t even sure if he had just dreamed or not. He had probably imagined things. For years he had waited to meet his soulmate. From the day on when he had lost his colour vision, Kaito had been excited to meet them. So often he had dreamed about them, imagined how they would be like. He had pictured them to be a soft and gentle person. They had to be if they had such a pure and bright blue eye colour. At first, Kaito had painted a small girl in his mind, blond hair that matched her blue iris, but over the years, he had noticed that he would prefer a male soulmate. Anyways, whoever they would turn out to be, he would do everything he could to make them happy for certain.

But as he had grown older his world had remained colourless despite him wishing it to be different. With every day more, Kaito had felt like there was something missing in his life. Something different than just colour. A piece to make him feel complete. Something that would end this ongoing search. That would finally make him feel less lonely.

Especially, during his years at university, he hadn’t been able to silence the excitement inside him every time he stepped into a new lecture. Because maybe that time, he might met the one who had been chosen for him by destiny. It had been a large university, so the stakes of finally meeting them had been pretty high.

Yet year after year had passed and Kaito’s world had kept the black and white and slowly, Kaito noticed that he had stopped looking for his soulmate. He had started to meet other people, so desperate to feel the touch of another person, so needy to not spend another night on his own. He was just a human being. He needed the warmth of another body. He needed the place next to him to be filled. Yet nobody had been able to fill the empty space inside him.

And Kaito had given up. Not completely. Just for the time being. It had hurt too much to be disappointed every single time. So he had put on a straight face and turned towards his career. He was still young, wasn’t he? There would be still enough time to think about things like soulmates later in life. And anyhow, he wouldn’t meet his fated partner in a high school, would he? Sure, it might be some of the fellow teachers, but it wouldn’t do any good keeping his hopes up. He should concentrate on doing a good job and finish his degree first.

Therefore, Kaito had been convinced that his subconsciousness had played a trick on him. The moment he had set his mind on something else, it tortured him by giving him what he had been waiting for for years. But he still was determined to stay with his resolutions. He wouldn’t falter because of a trick of mind. So the rest of the day, Kaito had spent by trying not to think about it too much. What could he have done anyway? Sitting down with his guitar, he had allowed his fingers to play all the melodies that had come to his mind while closing his eyes, trying to remember how the world had looked like in colours.

When Kaito had woken up the next morning, he had been a little nervous to return to his new job. His heart had beat a little faster than usual for the first hour, but after Kaito had accepted with slight relief that everything had been due to his imagination, he had been able to act like everything was normal – except maybe for the small lump in his heart. Yet then he had stepped into this certain class room again and there it was again.

His world brightened up like someone had removed a filter from his glasses. The desire to explore it was overwhelming. He wanted to examine them closely, to let his body take in every single shade. He wanted to bathe in this world that seemed so much more appealing than ever. But most of all, Kaito wanted to know who had been the cause. He looked around, let his eyes wonder over the group of young people in front of him and suddenly he realised something. His soulmate was one of his students. He or her was approximately about nine years younger than him – probably still underage. A lump built in his throat.

All the times he had imaged to be with them, to explore their body, being one with the while touching himself desperately, all the times he had been with other people, curious to know how different it would feel to be with his soulmate… All those times he hadn’t predicted that when he would finally find them, he wouldn’t be allowed to touch them. Neither had he expected it to be illegal. His chest tightened and Kaito wished for the ground to open up and swallow him – out of shame and out of frustration.

But this wasn’t the time to feel guilty. He had a class to teach. He had hidden himself behind his notes long enough. He had to face the inevitable, no matter how much it would kill him. Lifting up his head, Kaito let his gaze wander over the room.

He knew that he probably shouldn’t. It wouldn’t do any good to see them, knowing that he would have to stay away from them. But he wanted to know. He needed to know. Just this once, he wanted to see who held the other half of his soul. He wanted to see who those stunningly turquoise eyes belonged to.

Letting his gaze wander over the room, Kaito held his breath. It was hard to search for the only colour he had seen for years while being overcharged with tons of new impressions. But when he saw it, he couldn’t look away anymore and the boy in front of him seemed to feel the same way. Kaito’s mind was washed blank for a second when he looked into his eyes. Only a warm sensation, a feeling of finally coming home rushed through his veins and he needed quite a while to break out of it and look at his soulmate a bit closer. He had beautiful straight, night blue hair that shimmered in the sunlight. His skin was incredibly light like it had never been touched by the sun before. His features were extremely delicate and Kaito wished he could traced them all individually, let his fingers explore the soft skin, tail over his slightly chapped lips.

He tried so hard to hold this thoughts back, but he couldn’t help but realise that this boy was probably the most beautiful and most adorable person he had ever seen before. He already felt a smile creeping up his lips, the urge to walk towards him and talk to him. But he shouldn’t. No, he mustn’t. He had granted himself a single glance and now it was time to swallow everything down and be professional.

The physical pain of turning his gaze away and act like nothing had happened had been indescribable. But Kaito had been determined to not let anything show. Nobody was supposed see what was going on inside him. He didn’t even allow his mind to further think about that. He needed to function now. Work, teach a good first lesson and then there was enough time to think about everything else.

How he had actually been able to not break down and talk to his students normally, Kaito didn’t know. He found himself at the desk, writing down what they had done today, but he couldn’t remember teaching nor seeing off his students. Just a few minutes more and he could finally return home.

“Excuse me, Mr. Asahi?”

A soft voice made Kaito stop writing his notes. From the corner of his eyes, he saw a pair of shaking hands holding dearly onto a backpack. Kaito had only seen this porcelain skin for a few seconds, but the fact that it wasn’t just pure white but he could still make out the blue-purplish undertone strengthened his worry that it was his soulmate standing right in front of him. He had a really beautiful voice, Kaito noticed.

“My… my name is Haruki Watanabe. I’m…”

„Haruki…“

Kaito hated himself for whispering his name, but who would blame him? It was the name of his fated partner after all and…

Suddenly Kaito realised that he had heard his name before. Haruki… Wasn’t this the name of the boy who had fainted the other day? Could it have been, because of… Kaito?

A wave of guilt rushed over him. This boy must have been even more overwhelmed than him to find out who his soulmate was. He was probably shocked that his soulmate was supposed to be a guy! And even more, they turned out to be teacher and student although they were supposed to be so much more for each other.

Suddenly, Kaito felt the his blood heating up and if the stars would have been different, he would have gotten up, pull Haruki close to him, kiss him and do even more to him than just that. His fingers already tingled, desperate to reach out for Haruki who was just a few inches away. But this boy was just so young. He was so innocent. Kaito couldn’t ruin his student’s, nor his own life by doing something stupid. He needed to get out before he could do something he would regret later.

“I’m sorry, but I have an important appointment. May I ask you to leave so I can lock the classroom?”

The silence that followed his request cut harshly through Kaito’s skin. Yet Haruki’s answer, the tone in his voice was even worse.

“S-Sure… I’m sorry to have bothered you,” the student whispered. Kaito’s heart broke immediately, hearing the tremble and pain of being rejected.

Yet before he could say anything else, Haruki had stormed out of the room. But Kaito had seen his tears nonetheless. Tears, that were only his fault. He had made his soulmate cry on their first meeting. He had never intended to do this.

But what was he supposed to do? He mustn’t get close to his student or he would get them both into huge trouble. He mustn’t hurt this boy anymore by rejecting him, despite wanting to hold him in his arms. He mustn’t allow his feelings to take over, although everything inside him screamed for Haruki. Just what was he supposed to do?


	6. Shamrock-green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the French. It's been about 4 years since my last lesson. >.<

Haruki really had to pull everything inside him together to force himself to go to school the next morning. He felt a little wobbly on his knees, but he couldn’t miss a day that was filled with important classes. He hadn’t slept at all last night. The whole time he had been lying awake, not closing his eyes for a second, because every time his lids had fallen shut, he had remembered the empty expression on Mr. Asahi’s face when he had looked at him. His distant and even repulsed voice echoed in his ears, sending Haruki away before the boy had been able to tell him what he had wanted to. Haruki had been rejected – no, rejection wasn’t quite the right word. To be rejected one had to confess first. Or at least express any kind of interest. But Mr. Asahi hadn’t allowed him to even introduce himself. He had ignored him. He hadn’t accepted him. He had refused to acknowledge Haruki as his soulmate.

For a second, Haruki had laughed at the irony that all those years he had believed his fated partner to be dead, yet now he was dead to his soulmate. A second after, however, his lips had jittered and the tears he had thought to have dried out after crying the whole afternoon had returned, colouring his anthracite pillow in a darker grey. Haruki hadn’t cried in years. He had nearly forgotten how the salt was burning in his eyes, how the wet trails felt sticky on his cheeks. And he had forgotten how much his head would hurt the following day and how empty he would feel.

At least, Haruki knew that he wouldn’t meet Mr. Asahi today. His next French class was on Friday, so he had two more days to gather himself and learn to act like nothing had happened. Yet to make sure he didn’t risk meeting the young teacher, he stayed in his class room during the breaks. Not that he had wanted to join his classmates to enjoy their breaks outside anyways. Luckily, most people knew that Haruki had always preferred to stay inside, so although they had asked him to join out of politeness, they hadn’t been too persistent.

Slowly skimming through the pages of the French book Mr. Asahi had ordered for them to read and which had been distributed by the school librarian today, Haruki wondered if there was any way for him to go through with his classes and take the final exam in French with the situation as it was now. He doubted that he would be able to practise enough if his teacher treated him like he didn’t exist.

A deep sigh emerged from his chest as he started to read the first few lines. ‘Le Tour du monde en quatre-vingts jours’ was definitely a classic, but Haruki had never read it before. They had been given different types of literature in class before, but they had been a lot easier. – those versions that had been simplified for students. Of course, Haruki had read books outside his classes as well. ‘Le petit prince’ and a beautifully illustrated version of ‘La Belle et la Bête’ were amongst his collection. There were a lot of other books he wanted to read someday, but they were written older French so it was harder for him to understand. Mr. Asahi’s pick, however, was nice to read yet still challenging enough as far as Haruki could tell from the first few pages. He remembered that he had seen ‘Around the world in 80 days’ as a play in theatre in middle school, so the memory of the general setting helped him a lot as well.

Haruki closed the cover. He wondered why Mr. Asahi had chosen this book. Was it one of his favourites? Was there a nice childhood memory connected to it? Or did he just think that it was appropriate for their skill level? Once again, Haruki caught himself wishing to know more about his teacher. Maybe if he asked him during class, Mr. Asahi would answer him. Yet this required him to be called by his teacher which meant that Mr. Asahi had to react to Haruki. Which he wouldn’t. And Haruki wouldn’t be able to stand the be rejected again.

As he gaze wandered out of the window again, Haruki noticed that the world around him slowly started imbibing colour again. Although he was a little surprised, Haruki had prepared himself for the possibility to be reminded of his fated partner and their bond before Friday. He tried his best not to think about the fact that Mr. Asahi must be standing right outside the classroom too much, but rather enjoy the sight. It really was a shame that he only was able to see his school in colours where he neither had his books nor his video games. How much fun would be to play all of them through once again, exploring their worlds in a completely new – colourful – light.

Just for a second, Haruki’s eyes hushed through the room and stopped at the door that separated the classroom and the hallway. Yet when he realised that he was staring at it, probably hoping subconsciously that Mr. Asahi would enter, he forced his eyes away. Shaking his head, Haruki rested it on his hands, his elbows supported on his desk. Breathing in and out deeply, Haruki opened his eyes again – and halted.

The book was still lying in front of him. The title was written in simple black letters in a nice hand-writing like font. Yet it wasn’t the script that made Haruki’s heart beat faster, it was the colour of the cover. A colour that he knew so well despite not being able to see it for years. A colour he would remember everywhere. It was the colour that lighted up when he thought about his childhood. It was the colour that meant everything to him and that made him remember grievously what he had lost. The cover of the book was painted in turquoise – the colour of Haruki’s eyes.

\------

“Bonjour tout le monde,” Mr. Asahi greeted the class.

Haruki had no idea when he had been this nervous the last time. After finding out that the book that Mr. Asahi had chosen to read and discuss in class was coloured in the only shade that the teacher had been able to see for years, Haruki had been completely overwhelmed. What was he supposed to think now? That it was kind of cute? That he should be sorry for Mr. Asahi that he would be reminded of Haruki every single time he looked at this book, keeping the disappointment of his soulmate fresh in his mind?

These thoughts and many more had kept Haruki awake most hours of the last nights. Accordingly, he was incredibly exhausted this morning. But he didn’t need to follow the class too alertly, since Mr. Asahi would ignore him just like last time.

This was at least what Haruki had predicted, but his teacher seemed to have changed his strategy of showing Haruki how much he disliked him. For the first half of the lesson, nothing had happened. But when Haruki’s eyes had focused on the Marple outside only for a second, Mr. Asahi had called him out of nowhere.

“Haruki. Est-ce que tu peux dire à la classe ce qui ne va pas dans cette phrase?”  
/Would you please tell the rest of the class what is wrong about this sentence?/

Caught off guard, Haruki tried to calm down and focus on the sentence that Mr. Asahi had written on the blackboard.

Il est impossible que Monsieur Fogg faire le tour du monde en quatre-vingts jours.  
/It’s impossible that Mr. Fogg circumnaviguates the world in 80 days./

“Le verbe ‘faire’ doit être en subjonctive?“ he answered after a while.   
/The verb ‘do’ has to be in subjunctive./

“Et pourquoi?”  
/And why? /

“Parce ’que ‘Il est impossible’ indique que la phrase est une supposition que emploie le subjonctif. Fasse est la conjugaison correcte.“  
/Because ‘it’s impossible’ indicates that the sentence is a supposition that requires the use of the subjunctive. ‘Fasse’ is the correct form. /

“Très bien.“  
/Very good. /

Haruki felt like heavy weight was lifted off his chest. He had not only to answer Mr. Asahi properly, but he had also done something right. In his relief, his mind dared to play a trick on him, making him imagine that Mr. Asahi had smiled at him for a second. But that couldn’t be true after all. Because when Haruki blinked and looked at his teacher again, there was only the cold and distant expression to be seen whenever he looked over to Haruki.

“Wow, you’re so good in French, Haruki! How did you manage that?” Tobi, the boy who was sitting behind to Haruki asked him, resting his head on his table after the class had ended. Most students had already left the classroom to buy something to eat. Only a few, including Haruki, and Mr. Asahi who finished to write his notes were left.

“I don’t know,” Haruki mumbled, feeling a little flustered, “I just like to read a lot.”

“I’m really envious. I just don’t get it. There are more exceptions to the rules than there are rules.”

Haruki smiled softly. He completely understood his classmate. But these challenges had made him fall in love with the language in the first place.

“Hey, don’t you think you could tutor me from time to time?”

“I don’t know… I…”

All of a sudden, Haruki felt a little uncomfortable. He knew he wasn’t the worst student, but was he good enough to tutor someone? He wasn’t good in handling his peers after all. Tobi was a nice boy, part of the soccer team, but not as pretentious as the rest of the team. It was easier to talk to him than to most of his classmates, so there shouldn’t be a problem, should it?

Yet more than his inner thoughts, there was something else that made Haruki feel strange. It was like someone was holding a heated dagger against his neck. Like someone was watching his every move with critical eyes, making goose bumps form on Haruki’s skin.

The student turned his head a little and noticed from the corner of his eye that Mr. Asahi was watching him and Tobi over the frame of his glasses. His expression was hardly readable as his head was turned towards his notebook. There was heat inside his eyes, yet it was also cold as ice. Like it wanted Haruki’s heart to freeze.

“So? What do you think?” Tobi asked, forcing Haruki’s attention to focus on him again.

Before turning towards him again, however, Haruki managed to catch one last glance from Mr. Asahi before the teacher stormed out of the room. This gaze had been more intense than the one he had given Haruki during their first lesson. It had been colder, more disgusted. Angry and repulsed. Seemed like he really hated Haruki.


	7. Raven black

Weeks went by and the maple outside of Haruki’s classroom had shed most its leaves. While they had been stunningly red, orange and yellow a few days ago, the rest of them that hadn’t been swept away was merely a brown memory of their past colour. It also had become a lot colder. Even the last students who had insisted on wearing their summer uniform for as long as possible had changed into the longer and warmer clothes of winter. 14 days were left until their two-week winter vacation and Haruki couldn’t tell how much he was looking forward to spending the holidays at home, in his warm bed with his books, celebrating Christmas and New Year’s Eve with his mother, Takeshi and Cornelius. Two weeks of not having to go to school, of not being forced to listen to the exhausting utterances of his classmates, two weeks of not having to meet Mr. Asahi at least twice a week seemed like a blessing to him.

The past weeks had fully convinced Haruki that his French teacher hated him. He didn’t express his hatred openly. No, none of the other students seemed to notice. Or at least, they didn’t seem to mind it. But Haruki had noticed. It had started with Mr. Asahi asking Haruki the hardest questions, having him read the most difficult parts of a text out loud, correcting every single mistake and have him repeat it all over again. Then he assigned him the most work-intensive parts of a class-project and every time he collected his students’ homework to check their grammar and spelling, Haruki had noted that his pages came back with a lot more red marks on it than anybody else’s. Most of them were minor details, mistakes or funny expressions that Mr. Asahi won’t even mind with the other students. But he did when Haruki made them. And as their first big exams of the year approached, Haruki had no idea how he was even supposed to pass the test.

He had a lot of subject to prepare, too, but Haruki spent the most time improving his French skills. Every day, he studied his vocabulary. He read a lot more than usual. He listened to French music only. In the meantime, he managed to somehow get all the other subjects done as well. Math had never been a problem anyways, also history and geography didn’t concern him too much. So while everyone around him was busy with shopping Christmas presents, decorating their rooms with all kinds fairy lights and glitter balls, Haruki spent most of the time in his room covered in his books. Wistfully listening to the rambling of his brother in the kitchen as he and prepared another batch of cookies, he just couldn’t wait for this school year to end so he would finally be able to enjoy those holidays just like any other person.

Being busy all the time, however, had at least one good side. He didn’t have much time to bother himself with the question why Mr. Asahi hated him so much, although every now and then, a thought or two slipped into his mind. But Haruki had become a master of suppression over the years, so he had managed way too fast how to act and answer under the intense gaze of beautiful grey eyes. Only during the night, his mind had lost its strength to repel them, allowing them to creep up from the depths of his heart and torture him with all the images that popped into his imagination whenever Mr. Asahi looked at him.

Sometimes, it was just Mr. Asahi telling him that he was just not interested in him. That he was sorry for not being gay, but that it wasn’t Haruki’s fault. Sometimes, he told him that he was disgusting. That he should be to blame himself for lusting after his teacher. And then there were other times, when he saw Mr. Asahi with a beautiful woman who looked down to him in disgust. Mr. Asahi spitting out with all the contempt he could express that he was a disappointment. That he was boring, nothing special. That nobody would want him as his soulmate – someone as useless as him. There were even worse things that Mr. Asahi did or said in his dreams, but Haruki didn’t want to bring them back to his mind or he would never get those voices out of his head again.

There was only one effective way to keep them silent, to escape all the nightmares and keep himself from drowning in the pain they evoked. The only way Haruki saw to keep himself sane was to simply stay awake. He knew that it wasn’t the best way and that it probably was very stupid, but only falling asleep from exhausting held the nightmares at bay.

At first, everything worked out fine. He was a little more tired than usual yet he was able to concentrate on school a lot better since he didn’t have to use valuable capacities to shut the nightmares from the previous night out of his mind. But the more the days of his exams approached, the worse his condition got. He was hardly able to get out of bed in the morning and more than once, he fell asleep over his notes and books. Furthermore, Mr. Asahi treated him even worse with every day that passed. Nothing that Haruki did or said seemed good enough for him. With every other teacher, Haruki might have been able to keep his head up and just try to get better, but the fact that Mr. Asahi was his soulmate kept nagging at him more and more. Why would someone who had been supposed to make him happy do something like this?

Haruki did his best to not let it show, but after a while, people started to notice. Takeshi had been the first one, but Haruki had brushed him off by telling him that he was just exhausted from studying.

‘Everything’s going to be better after next week. I promise.’

For now it worked, but Haruki didn’t know how long his brother would be satisfied with that answer. Also his mother was concerned about him, but Haruki gave her the same answer as Takeshi.

Next his classmates started darting gazes at him, whispering behind his back. But Haruki didn’t care. He had never cared, so why should he do so now? Of course he had noticed himself that his slightly large uniform had grown even larger on him, too. He didn’t need his fellow students to tell him on the quiet. But what was he supposed to do if his stomach just wasn’t willing to take food in. Just thinking about all the cookies that Takeshi had baked for him made him feel like vomiting.

Yet Haruki couldn’t avoid ignoring everyone around him when his homeroom teacher addressed him the day of the French exam.

“Haruki,” she stopped him after everyone had left the classroom for their break in order to panic about the upcoming test, “May I have a word with you?”

Haruki sighed. Being asked by a teacher to stay behind was never a good sign.

“Yes. Ms. Miller?” Haruki asked politely as he sat down opposite of her desk.

“I just wondered if there was something you would like to talk about.”

“Um.. No? Should there be something?”

He really didn’t want to talk to her. Haruki just wanted to get a bit of fresh air to make him wake up a little more and take one last look at his notes. He just had to get this last exam done. He had to!

“See, I worry about you. I started to notice that you seem really exhausting during class. Like you don’t sleep well. Like you don’t eat enough. It doesn’t show in your grades at all, so you don’t need to worry. But I can’t help but wonder if there was something bothering you? Do you have troubles at home?”

“No. Everything’s fine. Really.”

“Are you sure? Is it one of your classmates? A teacher?”

“No, it’s nothing. I’m just tried from studying all the time.”

Ms. Miller sighed, but she seemed to understand that there was nothing that she could do.

“Alright. But please, if there’s anything...” She didn’t end their sentence, maybe hoping that Haruki would finally open up to her.

But he didn’t.

“Yes. Thank you.” Haruki forced a smile.

The teacher nodded despite the slight frustration on her face and guided him outside. On their way out, Haruki could see that Mr. Asahi was already close as the hallway changed from grey to beige. He wished he could avoid meeting his teacher for longer than he had to, but only a moment later, Mr. Asahi walked around the corner a pile of papers in his arms. At first, he greeted Ms. Miller, but then his eyes fell on Haruki and his expression changed. For the slightest moment, his eyebrows narrowed and his lips twitched. Yet he passed by them without any word. Something about him had been strange, but Haruki had no nerves left to deal with that question now. There was an exam he was supposed to concentrate on.

When he turned to the classroom after the break, Mr. Asahi had already prepared everything. On every desk, there were several sheets of paper waiting for them. Sitting down on his chair, Haruki got out a pencil and closed his eyes. He was just so damn tired and his head hurt like hell. How he was supposed to stay awake and get through with this exam, Haruki didn’t know. But he knew he had to. The time that passed until all the students had come back and got their stuff ready, he used to get the hammering of his head under control and he only opened his eyes again when Mr. Asahi welcomed them.

It was really hard to focus while all the letters started dancing in front of Haruki’s eyes as soon as he tried to focus on them. Also writing wasn’t easy with trembling hands. But Haruki had been in worse conditions. He would have managed to get everything done in no time, hand in his papers early and leave. No his headache, not the twisting sensation in his stomach, all of this wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t for Mr. Asahi’s constant gaze on him. From the beginning, Haruki had felt his teacher’s eyes on him. Of course it was normal for a teacher to observe his students and make sure they didn’t cheat. Yet the way Haruki’s skin started burning after a while told him that Mr. Asahi was granting him a lot more attention than his classmates. He never really seemed to take his eyes off him.

Haruki’s throat felt dry. He didn’t like to be looked at in the first place. But to be examined so closely made him feel even more uncomfortable. How was he supposed to work in peace? How was he supposed not to freak out this way? Could it be that… Was this Mr. Asahi’s goal? Did he want him to get a bad grade? Did he want him to fail? Haruki’s breath stared to speed up. Why did Mr. Asahi hate him so much that he wanted to ruin his life? What had Haruki done wrong? Why? Just why?

“Please stop writing now. Time’s over.”

Haruki looked at the pages in front of him, close to crying. Although he felt like he had blacked out, they were all filled with his handwriting. Yet he had no idea what he had written. He couldn’t remember one single question.

“Haruki?” Mr. Asahi asked all of a sudden.

The boy looked up without thinking and saw his teacher right in front of him, his hand reached out to collect his exam.

If he wasn’t so tired, Haruki would have believed that there was concern in his teacher’s eyes and voice. But that was just his mind tricking him once again. Mr. Asahi didn’t care about him or his well-being at all. He probably was happy to see Haruki this way.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, handing the papers over without looking at his teacher a second longer.

He couldn’t stand those grey eyes anymore. The pieced through his skin like needles and he was done fighting against the pain. It was too exhausting. He already was at his limit. Maybe it was time to do what he had never intended to do.

As fast as he could, Haruki left the classroom after Mr. Asahi had dismissed them he walked straight to the teachers’ longue.

“Excuse me, Ms. Miller? Can we… talk?”

His teacher seemed surprised, but asked him to enter right away. She guided him to the sofas in the back and sat down next to him.

“What can I do for you Haruki?”

“I…,” Haruki started, his voice dry and trembling, “I want to drop out of my French class.”


	8. Winter day-grey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might not have stated it before, but if anyone is wondering: The school system in this story is a mixture between the German, American and Japanese. If you have any questions about it, feel free to ask, but I'll try to explain everything if it is of importance to the story.

“I…,” Haruki started, his voice dry and trembling, “I want to drop out of my French class.”

For a while everything was silent. Haruki couldn’t see his teacher’s face, because his head was turned down towards the clenched fists in his lap.

“I’m…,” Ms. Miller couldn’t hide her surprise at all, “Are you sure about this? Didn’t you plan to…”

“I know. But I changed my mind.”

“Well. You know it won’t be easy to change your whole final examination plan. Are you sure you have considered this thoroughly?”

Haruki knew she had to ask, although she knew him better than that. Ms. Miller had been his teacher for more than four years and his homeroom teacher since last year. She knew he wasn’t the type to do anything on a whim.

“Yes, I did.”

“Okay,” the teacher said after breathing out deeply. “Well, we could try to get you a place in Mrs. Langton’s class, but…”

“No. I don’t want to take French classes anymore. I’m enrolled in enough classes to pass anyways, ain’t I?”

“Sure, but… Didn’t you really like French? If I remember correctly you even thought about studying it later on?”

“I also thought of becoming a veterinarian, but learned that I wouldn’t be suited for this.”

Haruki hadn’t intended to sound so harsh when Ms. Miller only wanted to help. Yet he didn’t want to be reminded that dropping out of his course would actually mean that the future he had imagined for himself wouldn’t become true. But neither had he imaged to have a soulmate who hated him enough to ruin his whole life. Hopefully, Mr. Asahi would be happy after Haruki had left.

“You don’t want to tell me the reason, do you?” Ms. Miller asked him.

Swallowing, Haruki wondered if he wanted to tell his teacher. He could easily tell her that Mr. Asahi was his soulmate and that he treated him like trash. Maybe if he was able to provide enough proof, they might remove Mr. Asahi from the school and assign a new French teacher to the class. Haruki would be able to continue like nothing had happened. Only the memory of the colourful classroom, the bright sun on the dark green blackboard would be left. If he was selfish, this would be the best option.

But Haruki wasn’t selfish. No matter who badly Mr. Asahi had treated him, he didn’t want ruin his career. He couldn’t. Because he still felt the connection between them, despite Mr. Asahi’s attempt to erase the red string that connected them. There might only be a single thread left, holding them together, but Haruki didn’t have the heart to make the final cut.

“I’d prefer not to.”

Another sigh of his teacher made him look up. Ms. Miller smiled at him although her brows were furrowed in concern.

“I understand. See Haruki, I’ll try whatever I can, but I can’t promise you anything. I will have to talk to the principal and Mr. Asahi of course.”

Haruki couldn’t help but slightly flinch at the mention of his soulmate. Of course he would be questioned. Why didn’t he think about it? Maybe Haruki would be even asked to talk to him directly. His hands began trembling just thinking about having to admit to his teacher that he had won and that he would rather hide from him than being continuously tortured by his hatred.

For a second, Ms. Miller narrowed her eyes while examining Haruki closely.

‘She knows it has to do with Mr. Asahi,” Haruki thought and instantly hated himself for his stupidity to show his feelings so openly.

“Thank you,” he answered quickly as an attempt to evade further questions, “I’m sorry to be a bother to you.”

“You’re not a bother, Haruki.”

Haruki smiled thankfully, but deep inside he knew it was different. As it seemed he was only a bother for everybody.

The rest of the week passed by without any further incidences. Ms. Miller had just called him out once after class to tell him that she had talked to the principal and that he would be willing to accept Haruki’s dropout under some conditions. She had ensured him that he would be able to fulfil them all but also begged him to think about his decision over during the weekend and talk to his family about it. She wasn’t forced to inform them since he was already of legal age, but she wanted him to get further opinions.

Haruki had promised her to do so, although he was not sure how he should address this topic at home. His mom would be overly concerned that something was up at school and Takeshi would surely drive there right away and talk to Mr. Asahi which was obviously something Haruki wanted to avoid at all costs. Mr. Asahi hated him enough already without his super-protective brother giving him hell. Maybe he could ask his best friend Connor for advice if they managed to play video games together this weekend. But considering that his friend had postponed their meetings for a while now since he was busy with university, he might not have the nerves to be bothered with Haruki’s stupid issues even if he had some spare time to talk on the phone. Well, maybe talking to his plush dragon Pancakes would count as getting another opinion since his teacher’s request had neither involved another human nor the opinion to be different from his own.

‘How pathetic can I even get,’ Haruki wondered as he stared outside the window.

It was Friday and finally the last lesson of the day had arrived. Afterwards, his bed was waiting for him and since the last week before Christmas was free of exams, Haruki wouldn’t leave it for a second.

A sigh left his lips when the bare branches of the maple turned brown and the grass two floors below him into a brownish green. He had been more than inclined to skip his French class – it would be his last one anyways. Yet even though he allowed Mr. Asahi to throw his whole school life over, he didn’t want to mess with his attendance score.

Like the other students, he got up to greet the teacher, but he didn’t bother to look at him. Also when he sat down, his gaze jumped right outside the window again. He didn’t care if that earned him a bad impression – not that Mr. Asahi didn’t already have a really bad one of him. He also didn’t bother to listen to what the teacher was saying. It wouldn’t change anything and since he was still overtired, he was thankful for giving his mind a break.

With Mr. Asahi’s soft voice in the background, Haruki could easily close his eyes and fall asleep if it wasn’t for an uncomfortable feeling. A feeling he knew from earlier this week. The feeling that only Mr. Asahi’s eyes left on him. Compared to the last time, however, the intensity of his gaze had increased a lot. It burned holes into Haruki’s uniform and left marks on his skin. Haruki was sure that he would be able to feel this heat for hours.

But what had he expected? Ms. Miller had surely talked to Mr. Asahi already. Haruki only wondered if Mr. Asahi was happy about his decision or if he was mad at him for running away from being his punching ball. Maybe he would be able to read his teacher’s expression, learning what he thought about him. But no matter how curious Haruki might be, he didn’t want to risk looking into his teacher’s eyes one more time.

Although his glance rested on Haruki for most of the lesson, Mr. Asahi left him alone for whatever reason. Not even once he called him, not once he asked him to read something out loud. On one hand, Haruki was surprised by that, but on the other, he was glad. Not that he cared. It was his last lesson anyways.

A huge weight lifted off his chest when the bell rang and finally ended the lesson.

“Guys, I know that it’s Friday and you all want to go home, but I already graded your exams and I would like to hand them out before you go home. So if everybody would sit down. It won’t take long,” Mr. Asahi stopped the students from packing their bags.

“It’s been only three days!” Haruki heard someone mumble behind him.

“He’s really a genius if he’s done so fast,” a girl to his right giggled.

Haruki had to admit that it really was something to get an exam back after such a short period of time. Not that it made Mr. Asahi a genius, yet he must have spent most of his free time to go through all those pages. Why would he do that? Didn’t he have anything better to do?

Mr. Asahi started walking through the rows and handed the exams back to every student individually. Every now and then, he stopped a little longer and whispered a few comments to them. Haruki caught only a few words of praise and encouragement. Things they had done great or what they had to look out for in the future.

Although Haruki had held back the whole time, his eyes wandered from his back to his teacher’s broad back. What would his hot breath next to his ear feel like? How would his hair scent as he bowed down to Haruki?

The boy shook his head. How could he still think about such things? If Mr. Asahi even talked to him, he would rather say something like ‘I’m glad that you decided to leave. Seemed like you’ve been able to make at least one meaningful decision in your life.’

Tears started to develop in Haruki’s eyes again, but he brushed them away with his sleeve. No, he didn’t want to hear what Mr. Asahi was going to tell him. He didn’t want to know how disappointed he was in him. He didn’t want to hear him laugh about how he had failed the test. What did he need his grade for anyways? He wouldn’t need it anymore.

Within a second, Haruki’s body moved on its own. He packed his things together and stood up. He felt his classmates eyes on him, how they whispered to each other.

“Why is he getting up?”

“What’s wrong with him again?”

He even imagined to hear Mr. Asahi calling out to him. But he didn’t care. He left the classroom without a word.

The air outside was cold this Sunday. Well, at least it looked like it. Not that Haruki knew. Since he had come home Friday afternoon, he had only left his bed to go to the bathroom and have dinner with his mother. His stomach still refused to be filled, but he didn’t want to worry his mother any more. So he tried to eat as much as he could, though that wasn’t more than half a toast.

A few weeks ago, he had been looking forward to this time so much. He had planned to decorate his room for Christmas, to continue reading the book he had been immersed in before the exam period and to stroll over the Christmas markets with is brother. But he just wasn’t able to find the motivation for all those things. The only thing he was able to do was staring at the ceiling and think about how his life would be from now on. Mostly grey, just like the sky outside. Well, it had been like that for the last seven years. These few months wouldn’t change much about it. At least, Haruki had had the opportunity to see colour once more. And since he would still be in the same school as Mr. Asahi, he might be able to see them a few more times before his world would stay like this for the rest of his life.

Mr. Asahi… Well, it would take a lot longer to get over him. Of course, Haruki had tried not to think about him, but he couldn’t stop his teacher from appearing in his dreams and thoughts. He still switched between sweet dreams and nightmares, but mostly Haruki couldn’t help but wondering what expression his teacher had had on his face during their last lesson. He wished to know what he was thinking about him quitting.

There was the slightest hope in him, that one stupid brain cell that didn’t want to stop wishing that Mr. Asahi was sad, genuinely sad that they wouldn’t meet anymore. That there was a completely different explanation for his behaviour. But Haruki knew that this wasn’t possible. He knew that it was his own naiveté talking to him.

Haruki closed his eyes and sighed.

‘Just a few more months,’ he thought, ‘and you’ll get out of here and forget about everything. Just a few more months.’

The door bell rang, forcing Haruki to pull a pillow over his head. He hated loud sounds, especially when he tried to forget that there was a world outside his warm blankets. He only hoped that his mother was awake so she could open the door. Because there was no way he would go downstairs and talk to someone.

Thinking about it, who would bother them on a Sunday afternoon? Takeshi still owned a key, his mother’s friends new that she usually took a nap on her days off and there was no one who would want to talk to Haruki.

Although he was tired, his curiosity forced Haruki to get up and tip-toe to the hallway. From the stairs he could only see his mother’s back as she reach out for the doorknob. Yet she didn’t need to pull it down. Haruki already knew who was waiting on the other side and his heart sank into his stomach and even deeper. Running into his room, Haruki buried himself under his blanket. He couldn’t even appreciate its dark blue. Nor did he open his eyes to examine how all of his pictures, the posters or the with merchandise and books filled shelves looked like. He just squeezed his lids shut and hoped that he was just imagining things. The was no way that his teacher would come to his house on the weekend. What did he want from him?

Well, he was about to find out rather sooner than later, because there was a knock at his door following by a well-known deep, beautiful voice.

“Haruki? May I come in?”


	9. Dragon scale-green

„Haruki? May I come in?”

It was hard for Kaito trying to make out any sound through the door while his own heartbeat was deafening. He couldn’t believe he was actually here, in his soulmate’s home, knocking at his door while waiting for him to allow Kaito to enter.

For days, Kaito had debated with himself if this was a good idea. Although he had spent every waking hour on thinking about Haruki and what Ms. Miller had told him about his student’s plans, he hadn’t come to a conclusion. Still, he was there, unsure of what to say to his soulmate. He only knew that he had to talk to him. Because if he didn’t… Kaito’s heart clenched just thinking about the possibility that he would only be able to see Haruki in the school hallway from now on.

“Haruki?” he knocked a second time after the whole house was silent except from his stupid heart.

Still, there was no sound.

Kaito furrowed his brows. Haruki’s mother had assured him that he was at home and Haruki didn’t seem like the person to secretly climb out of the window. Maybe he was taking a small afternoon nap, although Kaito would have sworn that he had heard a door falling shut when he had introduced himself at the front door. If Haruki really was awake…. Kaito couldn’t blame him for not wanting to talk to him. He had fucked up big time. This was probably his last chance to convince Haruki that he wasn’t a total dick even if that meant for him to put his profession in danger. If his soulmate allowed him to explain his past behaviour, he would have to say things that might cost him his job.

A hardly audible rustling caught his attention. So Haruki was awake. Kaito sighed. What should he do? His soulmate obviously didn’t want to see him. But Kaito had to. Even if it was for the last time.

“Please, Haruki. I know you can hear me. I understand that you don’t want to see me after…” he stopped.

He couldn’t say what he had done to Haruki while his mother could still be listening, could he?

“Just let me talk to you. You don’t have to say anything. Just listen and then I’ll leave you alone, okay?”

Everything was silent for a while, but then a reluctant grumble reached through the door.

“Alright. I’m coming in.”

To step into his soulmates room for the first time was as exciting as it made Kaito nervous. Besides his school record, he knew nothing about him and know he would finally learn more things about him. Like what he did in his free time. How he looked like out of his uniform. What books he liked or what music he listened to. What it would scent like…

Closing the door behind him, Kaito took a look at Haruki’s room. The walls were painted in simple white, although he could hardly see any of the colour. Nearly every centimetre was covered by pictures and posters. Photos of his family, merchandise of all kinds of video games and animes made the room shine in the brightest colours. Instantly, Kaito noticed the dragon pictures, figures and plushies that were only outnumbered by the huge amount of books that filled the shelves. How adorable was that?

But Kaito knew he had to force his attention away from all those things and focus on the pile of pillows and blankets that nearly hid Haruki underneath them. Jus this head stood out a little, facing away from the door, yet Kaito didn’t need to see his face to know that he was listening. The ice cold tension in the room told him enough. Although everything inside him scream to run to Haruki, pull him into his arms and tell him how sorry he was, how much he regretted how he had treated him, he couldn’t. Haruki had shown him enough that he didn’t want Kaito to get close to him, so he would never risk putting even more distress on the poor boy only because he couldn’t hold himself back.

“Um… I came to give you your exam,” he pressed out after a while to end the awkward silence between them, “you left so fast on Friday, I didn’t have the chance to hand it back to you.”

Haruki said nothing.

“Are you… not interested in how you did?”

Still nothing but quiet.

“Well… you did really…”

“I don’t want to know,” Haruki suddenly interrupted him. His voice was silent, just a whisper. He probably tried to hide his feelings this way, but Kaito could hear how much he was shaking. If from anger or anything else, he couldn’t tell.

“But…”

“If that’s the only thing you came here for, you can leave. Since I’m not going to continue your course, I don’t care how bad I failed.”

“Failed?” Kaito was taken by surprise. “Why would you think you failed?”

Kaito really had no idea who Haruki had come to that conclusion. Of course, there were always people to fear to have failed while being on top of the class, but Kaito knew Haruki wasn’t like them. So what had upset him so much?

Haruki hesitated, probably debating with himself if he should engage into this conversation of if he was better off staying silent.

“How should I not fail a test when even my homework is never good enough for you.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t understand.”

“Don’t mock me even more. I’m not stupid. I noticed that you were always stricter on me than on anybody else. You always corrected me more even though the others made more and worse mistakes. If not even a simple note, an essay was able to satisfy you, how should I pass an exam?”

“But I…”

“It’s okay. I’m not going to tell anyone. You don’t need to worry about your job.”

“That’s not…” Kaito tried to step in, but Haruki didn’t want him to.

“Please, just leave me alone, okay? I ensure you, I’ll never blame you for me leaving the course, so please just go.”

Haruki’s sobs were muffled by the blanket around him, but Kaito could still hear them and his heart was shattered into pieces. He hardly knew Haruki, but to hear him sounding like this, to know that he was the cause of the boy feeling so bad… Kaito would never be able to forgive himself. This was at least the second time that he had made Haruki cry. If anyone had fail his task, it was him. Why did he only hurt Haruki? He wanted to make him happy. He wanted to be the cause for Haruki to be happy.

“You reached a perfect score, Haruki.”

The sobs stopped for a second and Kaito felt that this was his chance.

“I’m still an assistant teacher so my superior insisted on me adding some trick question to the test. Some of them were really hard, but you managed to answer them correctly without a single mistake.”

Making a pause, Kaito waited for Haruki to say something. Yet since the boy did neither stop him nor did he encourage him to move on, Kaito just kept on talking, trying to get as much weight off his chest as he could while Haruki let him.

“Of course, I noticed how bad our condition was that day. I was really worried for you . I couldn’t stop thinking what was wrong with you. If he were sick or if you had troubles sleeping. I was worried about your well-being, but also about how you would do on the exam. I know how important school is for you. Yet I was confident that you would be fine. You were an exceptional student to begin with. You have so much more insight and feeling for my language than most non-native speaking teachers I know. I instantly saw you potential and I knew that if I just pushed you a little, you would be able to reach a nearly perfect level.”

Taking a deep breath, Kaito braced himself for what was coming.

“I know that I was especially hard on you. It is true that I was stricter, that I was more picky when it came to you. I know this wasn’t fair and I understand that I hurt you, but I tried to hide how much I was affected by your presence. I never expected my soulmate to be my student. I was excited, curious, yet at the same time, I didn’t want to get you in trouble. I wanted to spare you questions from teachers and students, especially since you’re still underage. And also I didn’t want to be taken off your class, not in your final year and not when I finally met you. And… I also was extra hard on you, because I knew it would help you to get better. Because I knew you were the only person in the classroom to take my corrections and comments to heart and try to get better. And you did. More than I imaged.

I was so nervous for how you did on the exam that I marked it as soon as I came home that day. And… I can’t tell you how amazed I was. I even had to search for the slightest mistakes, because I wasn’t sure if I could explain to my superiors that you managed to get that score without cheating. To see how much you’ve improved in just a few months… I was just so proud.”

Again, Kaito waited for Haruki to say something, but his student remained silent. Closing his eyes and sighing deeply, Kaito tried to make himself understand that he should finally accept that his soulmate wasn’t interested in what he had to say. That he wasn’t interested in Kaito.

“You’d have a great future in front of you if you decided to dedicate your further education to French. Ms. Miller told me that you thought about studying it at university. I can only encourage you to do so. But if decide that you don’t want to continue that path… Well, I guess I have to accept that. Your homeroom teacher asked me to talk to you, to convince you not to drop out of my class, but I have no idea of what to say to you that would make you stay. Nothing except from how much I wish you wouldn’t. Honestly, it would break my heart to loose such a great student like you. But this is not about me. It’s about you. You have your reasons and I’m not in the position to talk you out of that no matter how I feel about it.”

Slowly, Kaito walked towards the bed, placing Haruki’s exam on the sheets before he turned around, ready to leave.

There were a lot of things on his tongue, things he wanted to tell Haruki, things he wanted to explain. But he wasn’t the type to force his feelings on someone. If Haruki didn’t want to know than he wouldn’t make him listen at all costs. There might be even things that better not be said out loud, so at least none of them would get into trouble.

Already pressing down the handle, Kaito turned towards Haruki one last time.

“I’m sorry we had to meet under these circumstances. I wish it would have been different. But I’m happy that I finally got to meet my soulmate and I’m happy that it’s you. I’m sorry that you don’t feel the same way. But that’s okay. I wish you all the best for your future.”

During his last words, Kaito imagined the colours around him to brighten up even more. They were radiating in an ethereal light as if what he had seen before was just a dull impression of what they really looked like. But that was just his mind. He knew that. It was just his head, forcing him to concentrate on what he was about to loose as soon as he left the room. It was his body, trying to convince him to fight against this loss. Yet Kaito knew that it was no use to fight if there was nothing to win. So he opened the door and left.


	10. Cookie golden-brown

The next Tuesday had come by faster than Haruki would have liked it to. He had thought about Mr. Asahi’s visit and what he had said for the rest of Sunday, but he still wasn’t sure what to think of it. It didn’t seem like Mr. Asahi hated him. He even said that he had been excited to meet Haruki and that he was happy about it. Of course, thinking about it in detail, Haruki understood why Mr. Asahi had reacted so cold towards him. He was thankful that his teacher had considered the consequences of their bond more than Haruki had. Yet he was still disappointed by the way he had treated him. He could have at least talked to Haruki before ignoring him. But then he had come to his home to talk him out of dropping out of his class and although Haruki had been convinced not to change his mind, Mr. Asahi’s words had moved him. So much that he was now sitting in the classroom waiting for his French teacher to arrive.

Haruki blushed every time when he remembered how much his teacher had praised him for his skills. It was nice to hear from a native speaker that he was able to write and talk very well. Mr. Asahi was proud of him, proud of his soulmate’s abilities. The student’s heart skipped a few beats thinking about the warmth in his teacher’s voice when he had talked about him. Yet his mood was dampened right away when a silent voice reminded him of a small detail. A detail that confused him and turned the sweet and bubbly sensation in his chest into a bitter taste on his tongue.

‘It would break my heart to loose such a great student like you.’

That was what he was to Mr. Asahi. A student. Nothing more. He hadn’t praised him because he was his soulmate, but because he – as a teacher – was proud of his student’s achievements. Haruki couldn’t help but feel disappointed, though he didn’t really know what he had expected. They didn’t know anything about each other apart from the fact that fate had chosen them for each other. For Haruki to be already so attached to his teacher was probably due to his inexperience with love and the naivety of his youth. Of course Mr. Asahi didn’t feel the same way. He was older. More experienced. He was able to distance himself from what fate had chosen for him.

From what Haruki had understood, Mr. Asahi wasn’t repelled by him. He was happy since he could have done a lot worse. He wasn’t disgusted by Haruki. But he didn’t saw him as anything else than a student. Which wasn’t exactly what Haruki had hoped for, but it was at least better then to be hated. Maybe he was also holding back, because he believed Haruki to be underaged, though a look into Haruki’s record would have told him otherwise. So maybe he had just used it as an excuse. Haruki didn’t know and he rather not think about it too much, because it would only make him more distressed than he already was.

Even now his body was completely tense as he waited for his teacher to arrive. He hadn’t told him about his decision yet. Only Ms. Miller had been informed that he would stay in his French class – much to her delight. She had been overjoyed when Haruki had talked to her first thing Monday morning and even though he had apologized multiple times for causing her so much trouble, but she had reassured him that he shouldn’t bother about it.

Maybe it was just his nerves, but waiting for Mr. Asahi felt like hours. His teacher had never been late so far, so it must be Haruki’s excitement that made the minutes not go by. How would Mr. Asahi react once he saw him? Would he be relieved? Happy? Or had Ms. Miller already told him? Haruki also wondered if his teacher would act differently towards him. He seemed to have noticed how much he had hurt Haruki with his cold and strict behaviour. So hopefully, he would be a little nicer to Haruki from now on. Because if he was not…

The ever so annoying mumbling of his classmates made Haruki look up from his desk. He didn’t seem to be the only person to wonder what caused Mr. Asahi to be late. Every now and then, his fellow students turned around to look at the clock at the back of the classroom. So he actually seemed to be late. From what Haruki caught from the conversations around him, people were either concerned or hoping that Mr. Asahi had left for an early Christmas vacation which would allow them to spend the next one and a half hours as they liked.

Haruki felt a little uneasy. There was surely a reason for Mr. Asahi to be late, but something in his stomach kept rumbling. As the over-anxious person that he was, Haruki’s mind went wild by itself, imagining all the things that might have happened to his teacher. It was completely stupid and Haruki knew that, but he couldn’t help it. This was what happened every time he liked someone. Whenever it was his mother, his brother or his best friend… He was just too anxious to lose another person in his life. Yet before his head could make up any car accidents or worse, the classroom was colouring up, followed by Mr. Asahi soon after.

In a haste, he but down his bag on the teacher’s desk, unpacking all his notes and books with his eyes closed as if he had to sort his thoughts. Haruki noticed that he looked a little different from usual. Most people without colour vision would probably not see it, but there were bags under his eyes and he appeared not to have slept at least the last two nights. Although he was still young, the lack of his usual energy made him look at least 5 to 10 years older. Despite being relieved that he was fine physically, Haruki wondered what had been on his teacher’s mind to such an extent. It got even worse when Mr. Asahi looked up, his long fingers massaging his temples.

“Je suis désolé de vous avoir faire attendre…” he started only to stop in order to look at his hand like it had turned into a paw or something.   
/I’m sorry I made you wait../

Then, he lifted his head, his gaze hitting Haruki’s direction right way. Their eyes met and all of a sudden his face lightened up. All the wrinkles and the fatigue disappeared. The most beautiful and sincere smile Haruki had ever seen appeared on his lips and made Haruki’s heart beat incredibly fast out of nowhere while a comfortable but also strangely bubbly warmth heated up his face. Totally embarrassed of reacting so much to his teacher smiling, Haruki turned away, the bare maple tree outside suddenly seeming a lot more interesting than before.

Mr. Asahi seemed to have caught himself as well, since he addressed the rest of the class right away.

“Enfin… Comme cette semaine est la dernière avant Noël, je pensais qu’aujourd’hui nous ferons quelque chose plus… festive.”  
/Anyways, since this week is the last before Christmas, I thought we’d do something more… festive today./

Mr. Asahi started talking about Christmas in France and his favourite customs. He also asked the students what they liked about the holidays and what food they would like to try just judging from the pictures of French delicacies he had brought.

For the first time in a while, Haruki had really fun during a French lesson. He enjoyed to listen to his teacher’s perfect pronunciation and to learn more about what he liked in general, even if it was just superficial things. Mr. Asahi, too, seemed to have a lot of fun, talking to his students a lot more leisurely than usual.

“Et toi, Haruki? Qu’est-ce que tu aimes faire le jour de Noël?”  
/And you, Haruki? What do you like to do on Christmas?/

“Um…” A little surprised by his teacher calling out to him, Haruki was stumbling. He really hadn’t been expected to be called out and had rather focus on his teacher’s voice than what had been discussed with his fellow classmates. But then there was this reassuring smile on Mr. Asahi’s lips that managed to calm him down in an instant.

“Um… Normalement, mon frère et moi décorons le sapin le martin. Après nous visitons mon pè… nous nous allons promener tant que ma mère prépares le salon. Mon frère fait cuire le dîner. C’est un bon cuisiner. Après nous regardons notre film préféré et mangeons de biscuit. ”  
/Normally, my brother and I decorate the Christmas tree. Afterwards we visit my fath… we go for a walk while my mother prepares the living room. By brother also cooks dinner. He’s a pretty good cook. Afterwards we watch or favourite movie and eat Christmas cookies./

For a second, Mr. Asahi looked at him like he wanted to ask Haruki why he had suddenly changed the direction of his sentence. Most teacher’s knew that Haruki’s father was dead and would have simply assumed that he and his brother visited his grave on a regular basis. Yet since his father’s death had happened so long ago, most people had forgotten about it and Haruki didn’t want to remind everyone of it. So he was glad when Mr. Asahi let it slide.

“Très bien,” he said, smiling at Haruki once more, “Qu’est-ce que c’est ton film préféré?”  
/Great!/ /What is your favourite movie?”

“Um… Je ne sais pas comment _ç_ a s’appelle en français… ” Haruki mumbled, too embarrassed to admit that they tended to watch children’s cartoons and movies all night until they fell asleep on the couch.  
/I don’t know what’s it called in French./

“Bien.” Luckily, Mr. Asahi had understood that Haruki didn’t want to go into detail on that, too, so he didn’t pressure him.

Turning towards another student, Haruki wondered what Mr. Asahi did on Christmas. He hadn’t told the class any of his private life so far and Haruki felt the urge to get to know these things. Though he would never dare to ask. If he only had the opportunity to talk to his teacher in a more private setting.

“Alors,” Mr. Asahi said when the bell rang, pour la prochaine leçon, je vous prie de préparer de biscuit ou de gâteux qui vous mangez traditionnellement pendant Noël. J’aimerais que vous nous disiez la historie derrière de cette tradition. C’est tout. Bonne journée.”  
/So for the next lesson, I would like you to bring some cookies or cakes that you traditionally eat on Christmas. I would also like you to explain the history behind that tradition. That’s all. Have a nice day./

Everyone started packing up their things when Mr. Asahi suddenly addressed them again.

“Before I forget, would all of you who intend to have their final exam in French please come to me for a second?”

Haruki was a bit surprised, but walked up to the teacher’s desk followed by two girls and another boy.

“Thanks for staying,” Mr. Asahi started, “I know that all of you are all busy during the holidays and you surely want to relax a few days, but I thought about how much time you guys have left until graduation. After Christmas there will be only a few months left and I thought it would be a good idea to work a little more on your speaking skills. This is just an offer from my side, but if you’d like to, we could meet during the holidays like once or twice just to talk a little more. It’ll be super casual. I’ll bring tea and food and we just practise for one or two hours, so you don’t forget all your vocab. I know it’s on short notice, so I want you to think over it until Friday. Okay?”

“Oh I’d love to,” Jenny immediately answered. Apart from Liliana, she was probably Mr. Asahi’s biggest fan.

“Great.”

“I guess my mom would actually enjoy to have me out of the house for a few hours,” the Akane laughed. “So I guess I’m in, too.”

“We are visiting my grandparents until the 27th. But afterwards, I’m free,” Lisa answered after thinking for a second.

“Sounds good to me. So how about you, Haruki?” Mr. Asahi looked up to him with an expression that made Haruki believe for a second that his answer was the only one that actually mattered to him.

Of course it would be great to spent more time with his teacher even when other people were around. This way they could get to know more about each other. Maybe he would get to see another side of Mr. Asahi. And he could show him that he was more than just a student. So what did he have to lose?

“Yes. I’m in, too.”


	11. Gingerbread brown

Christmas had come and gone by more quickly than Haruki would have liked it to. Spending the holidays with his mother and brother had been just what he had needed. The warmth of their living room, the taste of Takeshi’s cooking, the three of them cuddled up under blankets in front of the TV watching cartoons had helped Haruki to recover from the stress he had gone through in school. He slept a lot better and his appetite had increased as well. Even Takeshi had noted that he looked a lot better now. Haruki felt a lot better, too. Yet as those calm days passed by, he became more and more nervous.

Right before the Christmas break, Mr. Asahi had offered to meet up for some extra practise session. While he was excited to meet his teacher in a less formal setting, he was also afraid of what would happen. What if he was so nervous that he would embarrass himself in front of his classmates? What if he said something stupid that would reveal his relationship to Mr. Asahi? If one could even call that a relationship…

But eventually the day of the meet-up arrived and just when Haruki was getting himself reading after lunch, Takeshi offered him to drive him there.

“There’s no need to, Takeshi. I can take the bus or walk there,” he answered quickly.

“It’s freezing cold outside.”

“I own a thick coat and gloves.”

Takeshi sighed. “Just let me drive you. Or is there someone you don’t want me to meet?” A smirk appeared on his lips. “Is there someone my cute Kiki likes?”

Of course, Haruki instantly blushed in what he imagined to be a deep beet red.

“Naw. That’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“It’s not. And there’s no one I like. I just don’t want to bother you. You don’t always have to drive me.”

“Of course not,” Takeshi said, but his grin was as wide as ever. “And it’s not bothering me. Otherwise I wouldn’t have offered it.”

Haruki pouted. He didn’t want Takeshi to meet Mr. Asahi. His brother wasn’t stupid. He would notice how Haruki behaved when he saw his teacher. And maybe he would even infer from the colour of Mr. Asahi’s eyes that there might be something more to it than a simple crush. And if there was something Haruki wanted to avoid was his big brother finding out that his soulmate was his – much older – teacher. But he didn’t have much of a choice. He didn’t have a good reason to decline his offer. They probably wouldn’t meet Mr. Asahi at the parking lot anyways.

“Alright,” he agreed-

Why did the heavens hate Haruki so much? What had he done wrong in his life to deserve this? Of course, his teacher would arrive at the same time as Takeshi and Haruki did. It had taken everything for Haruki not to moan in desperation when he had noticed the environment colouring up.

“You can let me out here, he said when Takeshi drove down the street to the school. “I’ll walk the rest.”

“I don’t mind driving you all the… Ohhh.” Lifting up his brows, Takeshi smirked at Haruki. “Sure. You don’t want me to meet that non-existing person that you don’t like.”

Haruki clenched his fists and looked down.

“It’s okay, Kiki. Let me just drive around the next corner and I’ll let you go – this time.”

As soon as the wheels of Takeshi’s car had stopped, Haruki jumped out a short “thanks” mumbled through his scarf before he closed the door and hurried towards the entrance – just a bit too fast.

The floor underneath him was frozen from the intense cold of the last days and since no one was at school it hadn’t been gritted. Yet before Haruki had realised, he already felt his feet slip on the icy ground. He braced himself for his head hitting the concrete when two strong arms caught him just in time. The distant sound of something heavy falling to the ground didn’t even make it into Haruki’s mind when his saviour addressed him.

“That was clos… Oh, Haruki!” Mr. Asahi dallied, but his voice changed when he recognised his student.

Slowly he helped Haruki to stand securely, but even then, his hands wouldn’t leave their place on the student’s waist. Although they were only touching him through his thick coat, Haruki felt their heat. It was like they were burning through the fabric, desperate to touch his skin and he had to admit that he wouldn’t mind that at all.

His face must be flushed deeply red by now, yet Haruki didn’t care. Slowly, he turned around so that his teacher could still hold him firmly. He really wanted to see Mr. Asahi’s face, wanted to know what expression he would make. Still, he was so embarrassed that he rather stared at their shoes as he whispered,

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Mr. Asahi answered his lovely deep voice that sent shivers over Haruki’s body.

Being so close to his teacher, Haruki noticed for the first time how good he smelled. On the surface there was the scent of men’s deodorant. Not overwhelming, but the herb notes were still there, amplified by the uncanny hint of coffee. Yet underneath there was a sweetness, something that reminded Haruki of how his home smelled like whenever Takeshi was baking. Haruki simply closed his eyes as he just stood in front of his teacher, taking in his scent that made him feel so much like home that he completely forgot where they were. Mr. Asahi, too, dwelled in his moment, his chest slowly rising and falling as he did nothing to burst their own little bubble. It was just the two of them. No one else, no stupid misunderstanding between them. The urge to rest his head on Mr. Asahi’s chest, to try listening to the teacher’s heartbeat was rushing through Haruki’s body. He would have loved to touch him a little more, to be touch a little more, but…

“Haruki?” Mr Asahi woke him from his trance like state after a while, his voice a little hoarse, “I guess we should…”

There was hesitance in his tone. Like he didn’t want to leave their small bubble either. But he was right. This was neither the time nor the place to lose themselves in exploring their strong bond.

“Yeah, sure. I’m sorry,” Haruki mumbled.

Mr. Asahi didn’t answer anything, but when his hands hesitantly let go of Haruki’s waist, they followed down the student’s arms. Just for a second, Mr. Asahi took Haruki’s hands in his, squeezing them as if he wanted to tell Haruki that he was sorry for having to let go, too. And then, he and his warmth were gone and even if he hadn’t been freezing before, Haruki felt like the air had cooled down by at least 10 degrees.

“Shall we… go upstairs?” Mr. Asahi asked him as he lifted up two handbags that must have fallen down when he caught Haruki.

“Should I help you carrying?” Haruki asked, feeling a little uncomfortable walking next to his teacher after that moment they were having.

“Thanks, but I’m fine. If you would just open the doors for me?”

Haruki did as he was asked and as soon as they stepped into the school and walked upstairs to the meeting point, his classmates already approached them.

“Hey everyone,” Mr. Asahi greeted them, “we won’t be in your classroom today. I talked to the philosophy club and they allowed us to use their room today since it’s a lot more comfortable.”

“So, Mr. Asahi? Did you have nice holidays?” Jenny asked as she walked right next to their teacher.

Akane rolled his eyes and sighed.

“I have no idea why all the girls are so crazy about him. I mean, I can see that he’s handsome, but is that all they want?”

Haruki looked over to him with his eyebrows raised.

“Argh, forget what I said,” the boy suddenly retreated, the tips of his ears a little flushed.

Before Haruki could have even thought about saying something, the group stopped and Mr. Asahi unlocked a door.

“Come inside and make yourselves comfortable,” he smiled.

Taking off their heavy coats and jackets, everyone sat down on the comfortable sofas that surrounded a small table. Mr. Asahi unpacked two cookie jars from his bags as well as huge Thermos jug. Then he helped himself out of his coat, revealing a knitted sweater with gingerbread men on it.

“My grandmother made it for me,” he said after noticing his student’s looks at the unusual outfit. “But that’s not what were here for. Alors,… J’ai vous apporté des pain d’épice et des petite place à manger et une variation de cidre chaud sans alcool selon d’une recette de ma mère. Servez-vous franchement. Allez, dites-moi qu‘est-ce que vous avez fait pendant Noel.“  
/So, I brought you gingerbread and cookies and a version of hot apple wine without alcohol made form my mom’s recipe. Please help yourself. So tell me, what did you do on Christmas?/

They talked for quite a while. About what they had done the past few days. About school and what subjects they liked. About what they wanted to do afterwards and so on. It was really easy talking to Mr. Asahi and the others as it didn’t feel like there was someone judging them for their mistakes. Also the others, too, loosed up the longer they talked and helped themselves to punch and incredible gingerbread that tasted a lot like it had been self-made in the best way. The warmth in the room and inside Haruki alongside Mr. Asahi’s calming voice and the smiles he darted at Haruki every now and then made him feel a little dizzy and very tired. He hadn’t slept a lot last night due to his nerves, so as he was finally able to relax, his body obviously wanted to catch up on what it had missed.

Akane had left already a while ago, since his mother wanted him to help prepare dinner and just when Haruki thought he was really going to fall asleep, Lisa’s phone rang.

“Uh, it’s my mother,” she said, “she says she’s at the parking lot waiting for me and Jenny.”

“Oh, is it already that late?” Mr. Asahi asked, taking a look at his watch. “I’m so sorry, I totally forgot about time. I’ll guide you downstairs to apologise to your mother. Would that be alright for you Haruki? I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Um.. Sure… I’ll get my things ready in the meantime,” he said a little disappointed that he wasn’t able to spent more time with Mr. Asahi on his own. Maybe he should text Takeshi to pick him up.

As Mr. Asahi accompanied the two girls downstairs, Haruki packed up his things. His teacher really took his time with his classmates, but Haruki was determined to wait for him. Even if it was just to say goodbye. Luckily, he had decided not to message his brother but rather return home on his own. Sitting down on one of the couches again, he felt how his body pulled him downwards. It was just so heavy and so exhausted, maybe he could rest his eyes for a moment. Making himself a little more comfortable, Haruki put his head down on the armrest that felt a little different from the fabric of the couch. It was a little rougher and blinking through his closing lids, it didn’t even have the same colour, but it smelled so good that he was fine with using it as a pillow. It would be only for a second anyways.

He hardly heard the steps that returned to the classroom and the sigh that broke the silence around him. And just before he fell into a deeper sleep, Haruki imagined that someone was fondling his hair, but that was just a dream, right?


	12. Snowflake white

“Haruki?”

A soft warm voice and a hand caressing his hair woke Haruki up slowly. Opening his eyes, Haruki noted through his lashes that he wasn’t lying in his own bed, nor was he somewhere else in his home. The room was rather dark, just a small lamp in the back lighting the group of couches around him. It took him a seconds to realise that all of the furniture was not black and white but in colour. So this had to mean that…

“Good evening,” the voice said softly, making Haruki turn his head up a little only to blush instantly.

“I’m sorry I had to wake you, but your mother called a while ago, wondering if you would be back for dinner,” Mr. Asahi said apologetically.

“My…My mother called?”

Although Haruki’s heart had been beating quite fast before, the increase of speed from embarrassment to panic was a thing on its own.

“I’m sorry I picked up your phone, but you were sleeping so soundly and I didn’t want to disturb you. I told her that you were in the bathroom, so you weren’t able to pick up. I said that we had forgot about time and were still in school, but I would drive you home after we finished. Again, I’m really sorry, but I didn’t want to worry her.”

“No… It’s alright. Thank you.”

Haruki sat up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes when something heavy fell from his shoulders. He looked down and noticed a long coat covering his body. He didn’t recognise it to be his own. In general, it was way too large for him to wear.

“I thought you might be cold, so I… I mean you already used my scarf as a pillow so I hope you didn’t mind that I…”

Haruki looked up to Mr. Asahi who surprisingly bit on his lip as a slightly rosy shimmer coloured his cheeks. Was he… nervous? If somebody had to be nervous it was Haruki. Not only had he fallen asleep, making his teacher stay longer to take care of him, but he had used his clothes as bedding.

“I’m so sorry… I…”

“No, no. You don’t need to. I’m glad that you were able to catch up on sleep a little. You looked a bit exhausted earlier. I’m glad you were able to catch up on sleep. I didn’t mind watching over you at all.”

A short smile hushed over Haruki’s lips, before he remembered how annoying it must have been for his teacher to wait for him the whole time.

“I’m sorry I kept you here. You should have just woke me up when you returned. I bet there are more enjoyable things to do than waiting for me to take a nap.”

Haruki had expected a lot of reactions from his teacher, but not for him to approach Haruki, stroking a strand of hair behind his ear.

“Why should I want to be somewhere else, when you are here?”

The student’s face burned up, though the heat in his face could also stem from Mr. Asahi’s warm hand that rested on his cheek. Swallowing hard, Haruki felt reminded of the moment they had earlier that day. Only that his time, no one would be there to disturb them. Therefore, he tried to relax a little more, closed his eyes and leaned into the caress like a cat. Mr. Asahi’s hands were soft, only his fingertips feeling a bit rougher as they played with Haruki’s hair. The student sighed and began to follow the movements of his teacher’s hand, trying to get as much out of this touch as possible.

Mr. Asahi took a deep breath and made another step forward. This allowed him to fully wrap his arms around Haruki, pressing him to his chest. Although surprised, Haruki’s hands moved right up to his teacher’s sides, but they were shaking so much, he clawed his fingers into his teacher’s sweater in order to keep them calm. His heart, too, was totally going crazy, hamming so hard against his ribs, Mr. Asahi must hear it. Yet compared to the time before, he could also hear Mr. Asahi’s heartbeat and even though it wasn’t as out of control as Haruki’s was, it was still answering his in a similar rhythm. Despite being so nervous, knowing that he wasn’t alone with his feelings Haruki relaxed more and more in his teacher’s arms. It was warm, the places where Mr. Asahi touched him small goose bumps made him shiver, although the same spots burned at the same time. His nose burying in the soft wool, Haruki took in his scent again. It was the same as before, just a little stronger. The notes of spices and coffee and something homey that Haruki couldn’t quite name made his bubbling stomach calm down and instead, a warm honey like sensation travelled down his throat and spread over his whole body. Just like him, Mr. Asahi took in Haruki’s scent. The student felt his lips and nose in his hair, the warm breeze of his breath leaving a tingling sensation on his head. As he became more and more comfortable with their position, Haruki relaxed his hands and rather tried to reach more of Mr. Asahi, leading them to hug even tighter than before.

“Haruki,” Mr. Asahi whispered after a while.

His voice was hoarse and Haruki wasn’t sure if he had ever heard a sound before that shook his core to such an extent.

They drew back a little, now able to look into each other’s eyes. It was still dark around them, but Haruki was able to make out the light grey of Mr. Asahi’s iris. Now that it was filled with so much life, he wondered how he had ever been able to hate it when the sky was about to break out it rain. Because right now, it was the most beautiful thing in this whole world.

As if the world was moving in slow motion, Haruki imagined Mr. Asahi to come closer. The reflection of the single lamp in the teacher’s glasses became larger, so it couldn’t be an imagination, could it? A lump built in Haruki’s throat and he swallowed hard. Would he…? Not that Haruki wouldn’t want to, but… Was he ready for it? Would it be okay for them to? As a reflex, the student closed his eyes when Mr. Asahi was only a few inches away from him. Yet without him wanting to, Haruki’s body tensed a little.

With his eyelids pressed close firmly, he waited for something to happen. But nothing did. He opened his eyes again only to notice that Mr. Asahi had completely drawn back. His expression unreadable, the teacher let go off Haruki and scratched his neck.

“Um… Shall I drive you home?”

Haruki was confused. And disappointed though he didn’t quite know what he had expected. The sudden change in atmosphere messed with his heart, that was now beating alone on its own again.

“You don’t need to,” he mumbled, “I can take the bus…”

“There’s no way this is happening. I promised your mother to take you home and what kind of teacher would I be, to let you walk around alone in the dark.”

Haruki smiled, but it was a little forced. Sure, Mr. Asahi was his teacher. For a moment, he had totally forgotten about that, but as it seemed Mr. Asahi hadn’t. That was probably why he hadn’t wanted to kiss him. Just like he had said a few days ago, Haruki was his precious student and although he had obviously tried to see him as something different, he couldn’t.

Haruki felt like he became sick instantly. He would be really grateful to have some time on his own, to hate himself for always getting his hopes up, but he knew that it was no use to argue.

“Okay.”

Mr. Asahi smiled at him, walking to the couch to get his coat and scarf.

“You shouldn’t wear that one,” Haruki suddenly exclaimed, surprised himself of his interjection.

A pair of confused eyes looked at him.

“I used it as a pillow, I’m sure it dirty now. Please, let me wash it first.”

“That’s nice, but I don’t think that this is necess…”

“Please. You can have mine for the time being,” Haruki offered.

He didn’t know himself where this strong desire to keep Mr. Asahi’s scarf for a little longer came from. But something inside him told him that this was important, so he simply obliged.

“Alright,” Mr. Asahi said after a while, reaching out his hand with a smile.

Haruki hurried to the couch where he had thrown his clothes on to get his scarf and coat, but he stopped, when he saw a book lying on it. On the cover there was a beautiful deeply red rose.

“Charles Baudelaires: Les Fleurs du Mal.” Haruki read out loud.

“Um? Oh yeah, I was reading it while you were sleeping. I’ve been carrying it around with me for quite a while now, but I never had the time to read it.”

“What is it about?”

“Well, it’s a volume of poems in general, though there are all connected in some way. Not the lightest read, though.”

“Love poems?”

“Not really. They are about all kinds of themes. There are some about love, but they are mostly about life and death, paradise and the world.”

“And do you like them?”

“It’s interesting, to say the least. I’m not quite sure about them yet, though I think I have found one I can relate to quite well.”

Haruki really wanted to know which one, but after Mr. Asahi had distanced himself from Haruki, he felt like it was too indecent and personal to ask, so he simply nodded. He put on his coat and handed Mr. Asahi his scarf.

They walked to the parking lot in silence after Mr. Asahi had looked the door to the club room. Despite having felt so close to him a few minutes ago, Haruki felt weird around him now. The atmosphere between them had changed so much and he wondered if it had been like that all the time and he had just misread it. How stupid could he be?

He was so caught in his thoughts, he nearly missed his teacher stopping as unlocked his car from afar and opened the door of the passenger seat for Haruki to sit down.

“I’m sorry it’s so cold, I’ll turn on the heater seats right away.”

Haruki nodded and stared outside the window as Mr. Asahi started the car. The quiet between them was a bit uncomfortable, but Haruki didn’t mind it too much. Instead he focused on the beautiful lights in which tiny snowflakes sank to the streets. He had loved winter before, but seeing it in colour for the first time in years was something completely different. The snow seem so much lighter and purer under the yellow light of the street lamps and compared to the dark grey tar in front of them, it really looked like a soft blanket that protected nature during its sleep.

“I totally forgot how beautiful winter can be,” he mumbled into his scarf without thinking. “I’m so glad I met you. It would have been a shame if I never got to see this again.”

He realised way too late what he had said, but since Mr. Asahi didn’t answer anything, Haruki just continued to follow the scenery outside while hiding his embarrassed face in his scarf.

He nearly lost himself in this stunning sight, when his stomach suddenly started to growl.

“Are you hungry?” Mr. Asahi asked.

“Um… Maybe a little, but it’s fine. I’ll find something at home.”

“I could get us something if you want to. Though I understand if you want to go home. I’ve kept you at school long enough.”

“No,” Haruki answered immediately, “I mean… You don’t need to, but… If you want… I can stay outside a little longer.”

“Great.”

Mr. Asahi turned right and left the street that would have lead them to Haruki’s house.

“I hope you like burgers. I haven’t had some in a while, but I guess I can venture one today.”

“Venture?”

“Yeah,” Mr. Asahi laughed, “my friend Aurora always mocks me whenever I eat something unhealthy. ‘I hope this was worth having to train twice as long to get that off again,’ she tends to say as she takes a huge bite of MY burger.”

“She sounds like a close friend,” Haruki said, feeling a heavy lump in his stomach.

“We’ve known each other for a while now, but we’re not close enough to let her eat my food.”

Haruki smiled politely, but he didn’t feel like it. He didn’t know why the mention of Mr. Asahi’s friend made him feel so weird, but he definitely knew that he didn’t like it.

“So? What do you want?” Mr. Asahi asked as he drove into the drive-in.

They ordered two burgers and fries each and although Haruki insisted on paying his teacher back, Mr. Asahi just smiled at him, saying that this was his treat. Haruki had expected them to eat in the parking lot, but instead Mr. Asahi didn’t stop the car, but drove a little outside of the city down to a viewing area. Around them, there was nothing but nature. The view was absolutely stunning. So stunning that Haruki first forgot to eat. The snowy streets lay right below them and the Christmas lights from the stores and the huge tree in the centre of downtown spend just enough light for them to see their own hands. But it was perfect this way. The city looked completely different from above, so quiet and harmless. Like all the things that had happened to Haruki its streets had never happened. As if the world above everything was a different one – a better one.

“I actually wanted to bring you here,” Mr. Asahi said after they had eaten. “I pass by this place whenever I go running and I wondered how beautiful this might look in colours.”

Haruki swallowed hard. Mr. Asahi really had a talent for crushing his feelings. His heart already sunk into his stomach again, but before he could even think something, wrong Mr. Asahi turned towards him.

“No, I didn’t bring you here just because I wanted to enjoy the view. I wanted to show you this place, too. I didn’t know if you would like it, but…”

“It’s beautiful”, Haruki whispered, suddenly feeling all warm and excited again.

Mr. Asahi had wanted to bring him here. Wanted to show him this beautiful place. All those mixed feelings of today were confusing and Haruki really wished to know what Mr. Asahi really thought about him. But this wasn’t a question to ask right now. No matter what the answer would be, Haruki wanted dwell this view and this quiet moment with his teacher a little longer. A moment in which their bubble inside this car seemed just as perfect as the world outside.

“Yes, it is”, Mr. Asahi whispered as well, and suddenly, Haruki felt something warm next to his hand that rested on the central console.

He turned his head and noticed that Mr. Asahi had rested his hand right beside his. Their little fingers were touching slightly, just as soft as a snowflake felt like when it melted in his hand. Biting on his lip, Haruki had to hide a happy smile. He took a deep breath and turned his gaze outside the window again, saving the image of the snow and the lights as well as that warmth that radiated from Mr. Asahi in his heart.


	13. Mauve

The door to Haruki’s room fell shut just a second before he through himself into his bed. His heart was completely out of control, hammering against his ribs like it wanted to break out of its cage, hop down the stairs and right outside to where Mr. Asahi might just go back to his car.

As the considerate teacher that Mr. Asahi was, he had offered to accompany him to the doorstep so he could apologize to Haruki’s mother once more. Yet Haruki had declined. He didn’t want his mom to find out about them, which he would probably do if she saw how Haruki behaved around his teacher. Also he didn’t want to be reminded that Mr. Asahi was still his teacher. He didn’t want to thank him for the opportunity to practise his speaking skills and to formerly say goodbye to him. He wanted to spent the last moments they would have together in intimate togetherness. He didn’t want to share the last look at Mr. Asahi that he would get for a few days with someone else.

Therefore he had stopped his teacher who had just gotten out of the car and told him that he was fine for the last few meters. Mr. Asahi had smiled at him and nodded. For a while none of them had said a word, but then, Mr. Asahi had reached out for him. The place where his hand had brushed Haruki’s when he had said goodbye still burned. It had just been the shortest moment, the teacher’s fingers caressing the back of his hand, holding onto him for a second before letting him go.

This gesture had been just too sweet and delicate and perfect, it had caught Haruki off guard. In this moment, it had been hard to hold back any reaction – a huge smile, a surprised gasp, a nervous tremble. Haruki had kept all those expression bottled up, but he couldn’t keep them in forever. So after he had mumbled some weird alternation of “goodbye”, he had run to his house, opened the door in a rush, threw off his coat and kicked off his shoes while shouting a short “I’m back” to his mother, before he finally was on his own and able to let out the built-up feelings.

Haruki hid his face in one of his pillows and let out a silent scream that eased all the tension and excitement out of his body. It was childish and somehow cringingly stereotypical ,but it helped him to think a little more clearly about what had happened. Mr. Asahi had caught him before he fell, he had stayed with him during his unplanned nap. He had hugged him, he had bought them food and he had brought Haruki to the most romantic place to eat. Just thinking about how gentle and caring his teacher had been made another squeal crawl up Haruki’s throat.

Letting it out, Haruki rolled to his side and placed a hand on his chest. It was still beating like he had run all the way home. And it was just Mr. Asahi’s fault. At first, Haruki had believed that his teacher hated him, but now, he couldn’t deny for much longer that he was actually falling for him. No, that was an understatement. Haruki knew that he was already hopelessly in love with his teacher and this afternoon had only made it worse. To experience how he reacted to Mr. Asahi’s touch, how he could hardly hold back a smile when he looked at him… Haruki had never been in love before, but he knew that he was a goner already, craving for more of what he had gotten today.

His fingers wandered up from his chest to his neck. Haruki had taken off all his street clothes except for Mr. Asahi’s scarf which was still wrapped around him, emitting his teacher’s scent. Haruki buried his nose in the soft fabric. Maybe his proposition to wash Mr. Asahi’s scarf after using it as a pillow hadn’t been completely selfless. Maybe Haruki had wanted to keep this scent with him a little longer. The warmth that filled his body, the memory of that strong embrace calmed his mind.

Gosh, how these arms had felt around him… Haruki could still remember clearly how Mr. Asahi had held him, how his hands had pressed Haruki closer to his body. He knew exactly how his fingers had felt on his back, how his heartbeat had sounded. If he concentrated enough, he was even able to recall the way Mr. Asahi had addressed him, his voice all low and hoarse. His eyes had captured Haruki’s with such an intensity, the memory of it was already enough to make the boy tremble all over again. And then he had bend down, his pink lips approaching Haruki in an attempt to…

Wait! Pink?

Haruki opened his eyes in shock. This was the first time one of his memories had been in colour! Not even his first meeting with Mr. Asahi, nor their usual lessons had kept their shades. In surprise, Haruki thought back to the afternoon when his teacher had come by to apologize, just trying to verificate if had just overlooked something or if he was slowly going crazy. But even this moment remained colourless, just as the one in the else empty philosophy club room.

Rolling onto his back, Haruki let out a deep sigh. Mr. Asahi really made him loose his mind. They didn’t know each other for more than a few months and still he had managed to put Haruki’s whole life upside down. It was nerve-wracking, exhausting and obviously not good for his sanity, but at the same time it was exciting and new and so amazing, Haruki still couldn’t believe what was happening to him. This was the first time he had ever experienced falling in love and, ignoring the pain that Mr. Asahi had caused him so far, Haruki couldn’t be happier with how his soulmate had turned out. Mr. Asahi was gentle and thoughtful and Haruki had just felt so relaxed in his arms. Like he was supposed to be there.

Without thinking about it, Haruki reached out for the scarf next to his head and brought it up to his nose again. The scent was a lot more faint than the one Haruki had been able to take in when Mr. Asahi had embraced him, but it still got his chest as warm and his stomach as bubbly as back then. Maybe even a bit more. The longer he kept the scarf close, the more the heat inside Haruki grew. He whished he could get his sweater off, but that would require him to take the scarf out of his hand for a second and for some reason that didn’t seem to be an option right now. Therefore, Haruki opened his pants and wiggled them down enough to kick them off. It helped a little, but as soon as his thoughts drifted away from how hot he felt and back to how Mr. Asahi had looked at him the whole day, especially when he had bend down to kiss him, Haruki’s face lit up.

God, Mr. Asahi must really have thought about kissing him, hasn’t he? Of course, there was a part in Haruki that instantly wanted to question why he hadn’t, yet the increasing warmth inside him pushed those thoughts away for that moment. Instead, it got to his brain, making him feel light-headed, giving rise to the imagination of what could have been. What would have happened if Mr. Asahi hadn’t pulled back? What if he had carried out his intentions and… kissed him?

His hands would probably rest on Haruki’s waist, maybe one of them would have cupped his cheek, guiding him into the joining of their lips. Haruki imagined his lips to be soft and warm, gently moving against his. He had never been kissed before so he could only imagine how it must feel like, but somehow he had a pretty strong idea of how Mr. Asahi’s kisses felt like. Just like he knew how his hand would be tensing, unsure of whether it should enjoy the contact or pull Haruki closer.

Haruki wouldn’t mind that though, he wasn’t opposed to be closer, to be touched more by his teacher. Actually, he wanted to feel his hands somewhere completely different. Sensing the heat of his palm through his sweater wouldn’t be enough for him.

A flicker of colour hushed over the scene in Haruki’s imagination, but this time, he didn’t stop his train of thoughts. He rather embraced how this made everything appear so much more real. He could feel Mr. Asahi’s hands wandering up and down his sides until his fingers slipped below Haruki’s sweater. He could sense the heat of his fingertips as he drew small circles on the soft skin right below his waist.

His own hands reached out to the places where Mr. Asahi touched him in his mind since they felt so empty without any kind of real touch. Gentle at first, Mr. Asahi became more and more bold, exploring Haruki’s body. He wandered from his hips up to his chest, caressing every single inch.

Taking in another breath of the scarf, Haruki shuddered as the colours became even more vivid. He wouldn’t have noticed if it wasn’t for the intense gaze that Mr. Asahi let wander over his body in his mind. It was just his imagination, but an imagination wasn’t supposed to feel so intense, was it?

The stronger the colours became, the more Haruki lost himself in his head. He had never taken drugs before, but this was what is must feel like. His thoughts were empty except for his teacher who explored his body while leaning down to capture his lips in a kiss that was far different from the first, more gentle one. Mr. Asahi let his tongue lick over Haruki’s lips who hesitated for a second, but involuntarily let his teacher enter him as he let out a small squeal when Mr. Asahi’s finger’s flew over the v-line and played with the seam of his boxer shorts.

A tremble pervaded Haruki’s body. Mr. Asahi’s hands stopped immediately and he returned to kissing Haruki senseless until he relaxed a little more. His tongue was nudging at Haruki’s inviting it to play with him, guiding him in a slow and gentle way. He was careful not to overwhelm Haruki and the boy appreciated it so much, he didn’t tense the next time when Mr. Asahi let his fingers slip below his shorts.

Of course, it wasn’t the first time Haruki touched himself, but it was the first time he imagined it to be someone else. Never before had he felt the desire to be so close to someone. Never before had he yearned for someone to open up to in this very intimate way. In general, it was the first time he felt so excited, so desperate to be touched. When his – no, Mr. Asahi’s hands – travelled further downwards, Haruki sharply soaked in his breath. He hadn’t expected to be hard by now, but the heat of his own pulsing cock told another story. Mr. Asahi gently caressed it, his fingers running up and down its length, chuckling into their kiss.

A whimper left Haruki’s lips. This felt so different from usual. This really wasn’t his own hand. Technically it was, but it felt larger than his own, warmer than his own and it moved so skilfully, so teasingly that it was impossible that Haruki guided its movements. A silent thought formed in his mind and a wave of heat burned down Haruki’s last functioning brain cells. Maybe Mr. Asahi was thinking about him, too. Maybe he was touching himself just like Haruki did. Maybe he could feel Haruki’s hands just like the boy did sense his teacher’s weight pressing down on him, his lips kissing his own sore.

Long fingers were wrapped around his cock and Haruki arched his back when colours exploded in front of his inner eye. Mr. Asahi started to slowly move his hand up and down, leading Haruki’s stomach to tighten. Never had his own hands felt as good as Mr. Asahi’s did. He didn’t even do much, just circling his thumb over the leaking tip of Haruki’s dick. His grip alternated between tightening and relaxing, moving faster and slower. Pressing his heels into the mattress, Haruki tried to withstand the cramping and relaxing of his thighs. He didn’t want to cum already, but at the same time he wanted just this.

Moan after moan left his lips and was caught by Mr. Asahi’s lips before he let his lips move on to Haruki’s cheek, his neck, his earlobe where he placed soft kisses or let his tongue glide over the heated skin. This only added to the lump in Haruki’s stomach up to the point where he was hardly able to hold himself back. He would only need a few more strokes another nibbling at his ear and he would be done.

But none of these things was what sent him over the edge. It wasn’t Mr. Asahi’s lips or the increasing speed of his hand that made the ball in Haruki explode, making colours and scents washing over him. It was a whisper, a growl. Right next to his ear. So vivid and real that it couldn’t be his imagination. The sound itself was so lewd, so hoarse, full of need and so uncommon for the normally controlled voice that Haruki just couldn’t have made it up on his own. It was the hottest, most desperate groan he had ever heard and it was its content that made his mind go blank and release himself into his hands.

“Haruki!”


	14. Cream

Haruki was excited to be in school again. The two week break had been nice, but he was ready to get his brain working again. Spending time in his room on his own, only playing video games or reading manga wasn’t occupying him enough. Maybe he shouldn’t have already finished his homework for the holidays on the last day of school. But that was how he was. Normally, he wouldn’t complain too much about playing all night if it wasn’t for a small detail that crept into his mind at any appropriate and inappropriate time of the day: he had touched himself thinking about Mr. Asahi.

Every time he remembered that night when he hadn’t been able to control himself, his thoughts and his whole body still burning in the memory of his teacher’s touch and his hoarse voice, Haruki wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. It was just too embarrassing. He had been so deep into it, his imagination had played more tricks on him than it usually did. Even thinking about it now, Haruki was convinced to have felt his teacher’s hands on him, his voice moaning his name. God! A blush as hot as possible burned up his face when he remembered how he had released himself just because he had imagined Mr. Asahi groaning.

When they had met the next time for the second extra-curricular practise, Haruki hadn’t been able to look his teacher properly in the eye. He had tried, but every time he had started to blush and even though the other students probably weren’t able to see colour they would at least have noticed a change in his usual light complexion. Haruki had engaged in the conversation like he would have done normally, because he didn’t want Mr. Asahi to notice anything. He probably had anyways, because Haruki knew that he wasn’t a good actor, but at least his teacher hadn’t called him out.

In general, Mr. Asahi had seemed a little less relaxed than usual. He also hadn’t sought Haruki out or tried to talk to him in private, as well, yet Haruki didn’t put too much weight onto it. There had neither been the atmosphere nor the opportunity to repeat anything that had happened the week before and Haruki wasn’t sure if his heart would have been able to take that. It was already hard enough to cope with what had happened between them. He needed his brain to process that completely before going on with something more… Well, he didn’t know in which kind of direction their relationship might proceed, but he surely wasn’t ready for that at this moment.

Still, Haruki was happy to see his teacher again. Just seeing him once a week during the holidays had felt weird. As if something in his life was missing. Yet this was just his head getting used to the colours and everything and surely not him enjoying to be around his teacher so much that one meeting less in a week would elicit such an effect on him. This was at least what Haruki tried to convince himself of, though his heart told another story. It was the break before his first French lesson of the new year and it was already bobbing excitedly in his chest, waiting for Mr. Asahi to enter the room and smile at him – the students. He smiled at all the students and not just Haruki.

Clawing his fingers into his hair, Haruki let out a sigh. If things would become even worse than now he would have to talk to someone or his mind would simply explode. Maybe he should just open up to Takeshi. Not about everything but the most important things. Also he shouldn’t go like a bull at the gate right away. Going at slow steps, preparing him for what was truly the issue would be the best strategy. Takeshi had already assumed that there was someone Haruki liked, so he might start from that point.

Getting out his phone, Haruki hesitated if he should actually text his brother if they could meet up. Wouldn’t that be too obvious? Takeshi came home to visit and cook for Haruki and his mom every few days, so he probably should just wait for him. By custom, he unlocked the screen anyways. Much to his surprise he had received a message.

Who would text him at that time of the day? Usually he only got texts from Takeshi or his mom, but they knew that he didn’t check his phone in school a lot. Phones were not completely prohibited, but students were only supposed to use them to call their family in an emergency, though no-one really cared if they checked their texts during recess.

Haruki opened the app and a huge smile appeared on his face.

_Hey Haruki,  
I’m sorry for not texting you back for quite a while >.<. University is insane (though you would surely love the sheer amount of exams and essays to hand in). Anyways, I’m on a little break now and I returned home to visit my parents last night. If you want, I can pick you up after school and we can hang out and catch up. (If you’re mad at me, I’ll buy you hot cocoa and cream puffs, okay?)_

_Connor_

It was great to hear from his best friend even though they hadn’t talked a lot lately. Of course there had been the usual ‘Merry Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year’ texts, but Haruki didn’t count that as ‘talking’ – at least not for him and Connor.

Before his friend had moved to study at a University a few hours away from their hometown, they had texted or called each other every day and every weekend they had met up in person. Connor was the only person, Haruki had really been able to open up to since they shared their love for video games, TV series and a lot of more nerdy stuff. It had broken Haruki’s heart when Connor had moved away since he was a few years older than him and Haruki taking a full year break had only increased the gap in educational years. Still, they had been able to keep contact most of the time. Just Connor’s exam periods were when he hardly heard from him. So to be able to meet him already later that day, made him happily reply right away. He just couldn’t wait to tell him about the new level he had been able to master and about the new manga series he had started to read during the holidays.

His fingers flew over the keyboard when he suddenly heard someone cough right in front of him. Haruki looked up and turned beet red in an instant.

Mr. Asahi was standing right in front of his table, looking down on him with a judging expression.

“If you would be ready, I’d like to start the class now,” he said. There was a smile on his face, probably trying to make the statement less harsh, yet his eyes were observant and cold.

“I… I’m… sorry Mr. Asahi.”

God, how had he not noticed that his teacher had come in? Why hadn’t he heard the bell? As fast as he could, Haruki put his phone away and got his French book out.

“Maintenant que tout le monde est prêt…. “  
/ Now that everyone is ready…/

Usually, Haruki wasn’t one of those students on tenterhooks, just waiting for the lesson to end and storm out, but knowing that his best friend was waiting for him outside made him jump up the moment the bell rang. It was a great coincident that today his last two lessons were cancelled since his history teacher had been calling in sick. That way he was able to have lunch with Connor in their favourite restaurant (getting his cream puffs for dessert) before they could return to Haruki’s and spent the rest of the day in front of the TV.

Haruki didn’t mind his classmates’ gazes when he left the room as one of the first people. He tried his best not to run down the stairs, but he nearly fell down when he changed his shoes. In a hurry, he left the building, not thinking about the cold outside and the slightly icy path. Just like last time, he began to loose his balance and nearly crash onto the floor face front, when two arms around his body stopped him.

“Clumsy as always,” his saviour chuckled, “I’m glad that nothing’s changed since we met last time.”

Slightly embarrassed, Haruki looked up and met the smiling face of his best friend.

“Connor!”

He through himself into the other’s arms again, making Connor groan in surprise of his weight. But of course, he returned the hug.

“I’m glad to see you, too,” he whispered. “And I’m happy that you’re not mad at me.”

Haruki let go off his friend to look at him. “I could never be mad at you for giving your best at University,” he smiled. But then his expression turned earnest. “But I’m still getting those cream puffs, ain’t I?”

“Sure, sure” Connor laughed and they made their way to the parking lot where Connor had parked his parent’s car.

Maybe it was just Haruki’s imagination, but all the way until they left the school grounds, he felt like someone was staring at him. Like daggers piercing through his back, eyes were directed at him and when Connor insisted to carry his bag, they suddenly were taken away. He turned around to look around, but no one seemed to care about them.

“Is everything alright?”

“Sure…,” Haruki mumbled.

“So how’s school this year? Anything interesting happening?” Connor asked when the waiter brought them their dessert. Cream puffs for Haruki and salted caramel ice cream and lava cake for Connor.

Up until then, they had talked about so many different things that Haruki hadn’t even noticed that he hadn’t told Connor anything about his new, very attractive French teacher. He had been too busy mocking his friend about his roommate who definitely seemed to have taken a liking to Connor, although the latter heavily denied it. But now it seemed like time was up and Haruki suddenly became very nervous.

“It’s alright,” he tried to evade the topic, “I’m just happy it’s my last year.”

“You still got Ms. Miller as you homeroom teacher, don’t you?”

“Yep.”

“Ah I envy you. I had Mrs. March. I know you love her, but I think she never really liked me. Do you still have her in French?”

“No,” Haruki gulped, “she is on maternity leave.”

“So you have Mrs. Langton now?”

“Nope. We… have a new teacher.”

“Really?”

“Hmm. He’s pretty young. Still enrolled in University. But he’s great, actually. Native speaker.”

Haruki tried not to talk too much about Mr. Asahi, because he feared he could expose himself by praising him too much.

“Sounds great. Especially since you want to study French, don’t you?”

“Hmmm.”

Cocking his head, Connor looked at him with narrowed eyes.

“There’s something else, isn’t it?”

“W-What do you mean?”

“There’s something you not telling me. About school. Is someone bullying you again?”

“No! It’s just…”

“Hey…” Connor put down his fork and reached out for Haruki’s hand. “You know you can tell me everything, right.”

Haruki swallowed hard. Maybe now was the time to come clean to someone.

“I… I might… I… I met my soulmate,” he whispered.

“What?”

“I.. met my soulmate,” Haruki said a little louder.

“But… I thought…you…”

“I know… I did, too. Seems like his eyes are grey.”

“That’s…” Connor got up and surrounded the table, pulling Haruki into a hug, “that’s great. I’m so happy for you.”

A huge weight fell of Haruki’s chest when he returned the hug, clawing his fingers into his friend’s hoodie. He closed his eyes, relieved that he had finally told someone. Only too bad that he didn’t notice that way that the world might have coloured up in an intense shade of red for a second.


	15. Red

The drops that padded so calmingly onto Kaito’s back were only hardly able to cool his mind down despite the water being as cold as possible. It might take the sweat off his skin, but his thoughts kept rumbling in his head, louder and stronger than before. Not even once, Kaito had seen Haruki smile so bright as earlier that day. Never had he looked so happy, being held by somebody’s arms. Well, at least not until this guy had showed up and lit this fire inside of Kaito that hadn’t burned down at all.

To say he had been curious about what on his student’s phone had made the latter beam up within seconds was an understatement. When Haruki had hardly listened to him and run out of the classroom the second the bell had rang, he had been uneasy. Of course, it hadn’t been the nicest way to hurry to the teacher’s lounge with the best possible view of the school’s entrance to be able to follow Haruki with his eyes, but he had to know what the boy had been so excited about. He hadn’t really assumed to get to know more since Haruki’s goal could be anywhere in the whole city. That fact, however, hadn’t stopped him from observing his student for as long as he could.

It had almost been adorable how agitated Haruki had been. The constant smile on his face, the brightening of his face had just looked beautiful on him. It was possibly the first time Kaito had seen Haruki without that shadow of melancholy around him. The only bad thing about it was that somebody who was not him was the cause for it.

Faster than Kaito had believed he was able to, Haruki had hurried down the path that connected the school building and the front gate. Too fast for the cold temperatures and the sick janitor who hadn’t salted the path that morning. Kaito had seen Haruki loose his balance way before the boy had realised himself and a low and very stupid voice had shouted inside his head that Kaito should better jump out of the window in order to catch him – just like he had done a few weeks ago. The memory of that moment had filled Kaito’s chest with butterflies. Yet their small wings that had made him feel so light and bubbly had been cut off by a boy with caramel skin and dark hair. He was a little taller than Haruki so it had been no problem for him to keep Haruki upright. The catch, however, wasn’t what had made Kaito’s fists clench until white half-moon shaped marks were left on the heel of his hand. It was Haruki happily hugging the guy, pressing him close as if he didn’t need any air to breathe.

Kaito had never seen Haruki enjoy body contact. Whenever he was with Kaito, he trembled so much Kaito couldn’t really tell if he liked it. When the girls from his course had hugged him at their extracurricular meetings to say goodbye, he had tightened instantly, answering to their movement in a rather awkward way. He had never initiated any kind of touch with another person himself. In that moment, however, he had been all over that other guy who had even returned the hug. It had taken ages for them to draw back and smile at each other. Well, at least that guy had been smiling as bright as a stupid Cheshire cat.

By that time, Kaito had been burning, wishing to tear something into pieces. He wasn’t in favour of violence at all, yet when it came to Haruki, his usual principles didn’t seem to work. Just like that night when he had spent the whole evening with his student.

The teacher turned the water a little bit colder as his mind and body caught fire remembering what he had done that night. It was unforgivable. And wrong. And morally reprehensible. Gosh, if someone would ever find out about it, he would lose his job forever. But if they knew, how could they blame him?

It had hurt to let Haruki go. If he had been able to, Kaito would have stayed at the viewing platform with him forever. So when he had returned to his own apartment after making sure, Haruki was home, he had thrown himself onto his sofa, staring at the ceiling. If he should have been proud of himself for being so bold and ask his student so spent more time with him or hate himself for being so stupid and let his student sleep with his coat as a blanket instead of waking him up, Kaito wasn’t sure about even now. He would call himself a rather strong-minded person, yet when confronted with the sweetest, intelligent person that had turned out to be his soulmate, not even Kaito could keep his good intentions up. From their first meeting on, he had planned to stay away, stay neutral at least until his student was of age and had graduated. The more he had gotten to know Haruki, however, the less he had been able to stay away. If it had only stopped at having dinner with his student.

Kaito clenched his fist and slammed it against the tiles. The cracking of his bones was as uncomfortable as the pain that spread in his fingers, but it fulfilled its quest of distracting him. It might be a little overexaggerated, but he actually feared of repeating what he had done if he thought too much about that night – the night when he had touched himself to the imagination of his student.

Of course, his heart had beat faster when he had thought about Haruki’s unusual calm face when he had slept, his hitching breath against his chest when they had hugged. Shame had coloured his cheeks red when he had remembered that he had even tried to kiss him. What on earth had driven him to try that? If Haruki hadn’t tensed, obviously uncomfortable and just too shy and polite to turn his teacher down, he might have done something unforgivable.

But all of a sudden, this memory had changed… and it had been in colour. In all those years, Kaito had never experienced his memories – not even from his childhood – in colour. He had had no idea what had caused it, but even more than the colour, the content of his thoughts had caught him. When he had closed his eyes, it was like he had been able to feel Haruki’s lips on his. Soft and slightly trembling. Inexperienced and shy, but willing to be guided.

Thank god, that his shower could be set even colder. Kaito wouldn’t want to repeat what he had done from that point on – no matter how good and real it had felt. He was still so ashamed that he hadn’t been able to control himself. So ashamed that he hadn’t been able to look Haruki in the eye when they had met the next time. It had seemed the most appropriate behaviour, yet now Kaito regretted using that chance to spent more time with Haruki.

At first he had believed that Haruki was just shy by nature and his hesitancy stemming from his inexperience and the ridiculousness of their relationship. But maybe Kaito had been wrong all the time. Haruki couldn’t escape the attraction of their bond just as Kaito couldn’t. They both couldn’t help but feel drawn to each other. Yet maybe Haruki had refused to kiss Kaito, because there was another person that he already liked. Maybe he didn’t care about fate and rather wanted to be with someone who had been there even before Haruki had even known that Kaito existed. Maybe he rather chose to be happy with that guy than even trying to get to know Kaito. Which he couldn’t blame Haruki for. Not after he had hurt him so much. Of course, he had hoped to atone for his wrongdoing, but obviously he had no chance against someone Haruki was already so attached to.

After seeing them together, Kaito had been so agitated, he had hardly been able to hold his last two lessons. As soon as he had returned home, he had thrown on his sports gear and started running. It would have been easier if he had music to distract his thoughts, but by running a lot faster than he usually did, his lunges had started hurting soon enough. The burn had been ointment for his turning mind at least as long as his path had lead him through the city.

His feet had moved on their own, his head too occupied to shut out the growing fire in his stomach that he hadn’t noticed where he had been. No matter if it had been fate to lead him to pass by the small restaurant or just a stupid coincidence, in his rush, he hadn’t even noticed that the houses along the streets had turned green, orange and red. But that turquoise eyes, he would recognise everywhere.

Although everything inside him had screamed to just keep on running, his feet had stopped, forcing him to witness the scene in front of him. The guy who had been hugging Haruki in school had been sitting in front of his soulmate, reaching over the able for his hand. Kaito hadn’t heard their voices, but watching him getting up, hugging Haruki again had been enough for his heart to shatter. Especially when Haruki’s light hands had wrapped around that guy, pulling him closer while burying his fingers in the other’s sweater, the lump in his stomach had exploded. The combination of jealousy, anger and desperation that had been set free had coloured his whole world in a deep red for a moment.

When he had opened his eyes the next time, he had been home again, standing under the cold stream of his shower. Kaito had no idea who much time had passed, but judging from the darkness outside, it had been at least a few hours. This was so unlike him. He always had himself under control. He never let his emotions take over. But not even his own failure to keep his composure hurt as much as the thought of Haruki being taken away from him. While he was here sulking, Haruki was in the arms of another guy and although Kaito shouldn’t feel that way after only meeting Haruki a few months ago, knowing virtually nothing about him, he was torn apart. 

Haruki had sneaked into his heart faster than anybody else, he had grown his own place there. It was stupid. It was childish. Kaito was an adult. He shouldn’t fall for someone so fast, so unconditionally. But it was no use denying those feelings, now that they were more present than ever. How was he supposed to teach Haruki when every time he would he would see him, he would be reminded of what he had lost?

This was all too much for him. Kaito wasn’t used to feel so… helpless. Getting out of the shower, he dried himself with a towel. Never in his life had his body felt so empty, as if all energy had been sucked out of him. What should he do now? If he could only make his head shut up for a while. Just for him to fall asleep. But how…?

No, alcohol had never been a good advisor. It was irresponsible and it bared to many opportunities for things he would regret later. Yet the thought of shutting up his thoughts, of feeling light was too tempting right now. Getting dressed, Kaito got his keys and left his apartment. It was a 20 minute walk to his destination, but the cold breeze that destroyed his hair was very welcome.

“Hey, Kai,” a well-known voice greeted him from behind the counter after Kaito closed the heavy wooden door of the bar behind him.

“Hey, Aurora,” Kaito tried to return her smile.

Maybe it was a good thing that his friend was on her shift tonight. Maybe it wasn’t.

“What makes you come here on a weekday?”

“I… Can’t I visit you at work?”

Aurora raised her eyebrow. “No? What’s up with you?”

“What? No, there’s nothing. I just thought we didn’t meet in a while.”

“Sure…” she said, placing his favourite beer in front of him after he sat down right in front of her.

Kaito was glad that she didn’t ask any further, but he knew her well enough to know that this wouldn’t last long.

“Hey…Kai…?”

“Hm…”

Kaito turned to his side, right to look into Aurora’s concerned eyes. When had she left her place behind the counter and sat down next to him?

“What’s wrong with you. You know you can tell me.”

“There’s nothing, I told you.”

“Mhm… You’ve been sitting here for about 45 minutes, staring at the void while emptying your third beer without saying a word.”

“It’s nothing. I promise.”

Aurora examined him with her head cocked to the side.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. But I can see there’s something on your mind.” She leaned a little closer and whispered into Kaito’s ear. “I know a better way to distract you anyway. I know how you get when you’re drunk. What do you say? My shift ends in an hour. It’s been a while but I bet we’ll harmonise just like always.”

With a light head, Kaito tried to process Aurora’s offer. They had established their friends with benefits relationship a few years ago. They hadn’t done it on a regular basis, just every now and then when they had needed it. Aurora was uncomplicated and their bodies had a great chemistry. Maybe it would be bad to feel another person’s skin on his own, their heat burning underneath him. Maybe it would still the desire inside him to be close to someone.

Kaito lifted his hand and cupped Aurora’s cheek with it. She leaned into his touch, closing her eyes, just like…

Pictures of Haruki erupted from Kaito’s mind, memories of their evening together. The way he had slightly rubbed his face in Kaito’s hand, how his small hands had rested against his chest.

Kaito gulped. With a heavy heart, he got up and got dressed again.

“I’m sorry, Aurora, but I can’t.”

Without any other word, he placed a few notes on the counter and left the bar. Maybe Aurora might have distracted him, but just touching her in such an intimate way had felt wrong. Haruki might not want him the way Kaito did, he still couldn’t do this. If felt too much like cheating. Because Kaito was already too deep into this to get out, even if it meant for him to get hurt.


	16. Marguerite white

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of French in this chapter. I'm sorry for any mistakes, please bear with them.

“Aujourd'hui, j'aimerais faire quelque chose d'un peu différent avec vous. Ce n'est peut-être pas le plus facile, mais je suis sûr que vous êtes prêt à essayer de lire de la littérature plus sophistiquée, ” Mr. Asahi said, walking through the rows of tabes while handing out a sheet of paper.   
/Today, I would like to do something a little different with you. It might not be the easiest, but I’m sure you’re ready to try to read more sophisticated literature./

It was already Friday. The last few days had passed so fast. Haruki had met up every afternoon with Connor and the weekend, too, was filled with their plans to immerse themselves into the world of video games once more. Haruki hadn’t felt so happy in a long time. He never thought he could miss a person so much, but obviously, he had missed his best friend a lot more than he had assumed. But now he was there, they had to get most of those few days together.

But having Connor back had further good sides than finally finishing that game they had started 8 months ago. Haruki finally had someone he could talk to when it came to Mr. Asahi. Well, not Mr. Asahi directly, because he hadn’t had the heart to reveal that his soulmate was his teacher yet. But he could finally consult with someone about the whole soulmate thing.

Not that Connor had any experience himself. His soulmate had turned out to be more than 60 years older than him. He had met the lovely lady when he had been 12 years old. They had taken a liking to each other instantly and Mrs. Mason had kind of adopted him as her own grandson since she and her husband had never been blessed with children themselves. They had remained friends until the day she died. But Connor had come to term with his situation.

‘I’m just so glad I got to meet her,’ he usually said, ‘and this doesn’t mean I have to be alone for the rest of my life. There are other people out there who are just as I am.’

And there were. Just like his roommate who had turned out to be a relative to Mrs. Mason and who apparently had lost his soulmate, too, when he had been younger. Haruki had always admired his best friend for this point of view and his optimism. Before he had met Mr. Asahi, he had wished he would be able to think the same way, to simply try to be happy with another person even if it wasn’t his ‘destined’ person. But something inside him had always held onto the stupid romantic idea that there was only one person out there that would truly make him happy and when Mr. Asahi walked by him to hand him a sheet of paper as well, Haruki was glad that he had kept onto this ideal.

Taking out a pencil to scribble the date on the upper corner of the paper, Haruki read the heading. ‘Sonnet d’automne’ (de ‘Les Fleur du Mal’ – Charles Baudelaire) it said. Weirdly, some little bell in Haruki’s head rang. He had heard that title before, just as the author. He just couldn’t tell when that had been. 

“Urgh, poetry?” Tobi chocked behind Haruki.

He was right. Haruki scanned the paragraphs and instantly noticed their typical arrangement and the rhyming scheme.

“Quelqu'un peut-il lire à haute voix, s'il vous plaît? ” Mr. Asahi asked the class.  
/Can anyone read out loud, please?/

Like usual, no one raised their hand.

“Personne?”  
/No one?/

“Alors…”  
/Okay,…/

The teacher cleared his throat and began to read.

«Ils me disent, tes yeux, clairs comme le cristal:  
«Pour toi, bizarre amant, quel est donc mon mérite?»  
— Sois charmante et tais-toi! Mon coeur, que tout irrite,  
Excepté la candeur de l'antique animal,

Ne veut pas te montrer son secret infernal,  
Berceuse dont la main aux longs sommeils m'invite,  
Ni sa noire légende avec la flamme écrite.  
Je hais la passion et l'esprit me fait mal! ”

Closing his eyes as he listened, Haruki noted once more how beautiful Mr. Asahi’s voice was. It was all the time, but even more so when he spoke in his mother tongue. It was so much softer, a little more husky, more vibrating. The spoken words were brought to Haruki’s ears like they were sitting on top of a wave, being gently washed to the shore and back to the sea in a continuous back and forth of spray.

Haruki could have closed his eyes, let himself be swept away by the steady rhythm of the poem if it wasn’t for some tremor, an unnoticeable unevenness that made Haruki step away from the warm beach and the scent of salty water in the wind and open his eyes instead.

Mr. Asahi didn’t look any different than usual. He was just as composed as ever. It had probably been some breathing issue or some suppressed hiccup that Haruki had misinterpreted, because of how odd Mr. Asahi’s aura seemed today. Then again, his fingers held the paper a little too tight, his lips pressed together during a pause just a bit too firmly.

For the shortest moment, Mr. Asahi lifted his head, his eyes wandering through the room. When they caught Haruki they lingered the beat of a butterfly’s wing too long, the expression of his eyes too empty before returning to the save haven of the printed text. In this moment, when his heart clenched and his stomach felt like it would turn around, Haruki realised where he had heard that book title before.

“Aimons-nous doucement. L'Amour dans sa guérite,  
Ténébreux, embusqué, bande son arc fatal.  
Je connais les engins de son vieil arsenal:

Crime, horreur et folie! — Ô pâle marguerite!  
Comme moi n'es-tu pas un soleil automnal,  
Ô ma si blanche, ô ma si froide marguerite?”

The classroom was completely quiet after Mr. Asahi had ended his recitation. One could have heard a pin drop, although the aquiver tension that still hovered over their heads would silence the intruding sound. Haruki could hear his own heartbeat pulsing in his ears and he surely wasn’t the only one. Students were used to listen to poems – some read mediocrely by a teacher, some learned by heart and a shame to the author. But Mr. Asahi had mastered the art of reciting. His expression, his voice. Everything had been true to the melody of the foreign language that foreshadowed the meaning of the words. It was just like… those sensations hidden behind written words were similar to his own. His presentation had been so real, because he could identify with the author.

Breaking away from Mr. Asahi, Haruki scanned the paper in front of him. He had been too captured by his teacher’s voice to think about the meaning of the poem. Quickly, he tried to translate the poem in his head.

“They ask me, your eyes, clear like a crystal: ‘What do I mean to you, strange lover?’  
\- Be charming and be silent! My heart, which is irritated by everything except for the candour of an ancient animal.

It doesn’t want to reveal its darkest secret to you, whose hands invite me to long sleep in a lullaby, nor its dark legend, written with flames. I hate passion and wit causes me pain.

Let us love gently. Love, dark and hidden in its shelter, draws it fatal bow. I know the weapons of its old arsenal: Crime, horror and madness!

Oh pale marguerite! Aren’t you an autumn sun like me, oh my white, oh my cold marguerite!”

This… This couldn’t be the poem Mr. Asahi had talked to Haruki about, could it? The only poem he could identify with in a huge collection of other ballads. Well, technically, this could be any of them. But why should he choose one to bring to class that he didn’t like? Sure, it had to be easy enough for them to understand and work with, but in that case, he could have chosen any other poem in the world. Why select on out of a book that he had showed Haruki and that he knew his student was aware that he just recently read.

Haruki’s eyes wandered over the printed letters once more. Mr. Asahi’s voice echoed in his mind as he read them again and again. Every word was just so full of pain and regret. He didn’t completely grasp the intention, but he understood the gist. With poetry, one could never be sure if the perceived theme was the one intended by the author. Yet if Haruki was right…

“Que pensez-vous de quoi parle ce poème ? ” Mr. Asahi asked into the silence.   
/What do you think is this poem about ?/

For a while no one said anything, like the impact of the teacher’s reading was only slowly wearing off. A few hands raised here and there, as the students woke up from that dream like state.

« Peut-être une fleur. Qui se fane puisque l'hiver arrive bientôt ? ” Akira said.  
/Maybe a flower ? That wilts since it'll be winter soon?/

« Oui, pas mal. D'autres idées ? ”  
/Yes, not bad. Any other ideas?/

Out of nowhere, Haruki raised his hand, too. He still had no idea if his interpretation was right, but there were so many things going on in his head, he needed to get them out in order to sort them.

“Oui, Haruki?”  
/Yes, Haruki?/

“L'auteur a un secret qu'il aimerait pouvoir dire à l'autre personne, mais il préfère garder le silence. Bien que son cœur déteste la malhonnêteté. Il est sur le point de tomber amoureux, mais il décide qu'il vaut mieux ne pas le faire. Pour s'épargner les douleurs qui accompagnent l'amour. Et aussi, il pense que le temps pour lui et son amant est terminé. Ils n'ont aucune chance. ”  
/ The author has a secret that he wishes he could tell the other person, but he rather stays silent. Although his heart hates the dishonesty. He's about to fall in love, but he decides it's better not to. To spare himself the pains that come with love. And also, he thinks that the time for him and his beloved are over. They don’t stand a chance./

After he had ended, Haruki looked up to Mr. Asahi. The teacher stared at him with wide eyes as if he was shook by his interpretation. His chest didn’t move anymore. Did he hold his breath? For a moment, he just mustered Haruki like he couldn’t understand how his student had come to that conclusion. Then, he swallowed hard and he closed his eyes for a second. When he opened them again, there was a flicker of… Haruki couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but if he was to make a suggestion it would be pain. Yet why should Mr. Asahi be hurt be Haruki’s words if it wasn’t for…

“How does he get such a romantic bullshit from that?” Haruki heard someone whisper behind him.

“I’ll never get this kind of literature. But no wonder why the girls love it.”

“Très bien, Haruki. Mais je dois corriger un point. Ce poème s’agit de l'amour - l'amour non partagé. L'auteur a des sentiments profonds pour une personne, mais il ne peut pas le lui dire. Parce qu'il sait que l'autre personne ne ressent pas la même chose. Il est cependant prêt à garder une relation amicale avec lui, même si cela le conduit à la folie.”  
/Great, Haruki. But I have to correct a one point. This poem is about love - unrequited love. The author holds deep feelings for a person, but he can't tell him. Because he knows the other person doesn't feel the same way. He is, however, willing to keep a friendly relationship with him, although it will drive him into madness./

“That’s so heart-breaking,” Liana whispered.

“Why would someone do that? So stupid,” Tobi mumbled.

“Because he loves that person so much that staying close to them is enough. Well, not enough, but they need to see them, have them in their life. He loves them so much that he just wants them to be happy, even if it isn’t with him,” Jenny hissed towards him.

Mr. Asahi cleared his throat and everyone turned towards the front of the classroom again. They continued to discuss the poem, but Haruki couldn’t really listen. His mind was somewhere completely different.

If he was to understand that this poem was the one Mr. Asahi had referred to after their first supplementary lesson, he had to assume that his teacher identified with the author. This would mean, in return, that he held feelings for someone that weren’t requited. Of course, for a moment the thought of Mr. Asahi being in love with someone else flickered up in Haruki’s mind. Maybe he had decided to bring this very poem to class to tell Haruki in a subtle way that he already liked someone else and that he wasn’t interested in his student.

Yet this total didn’t match his actions. Haruki was still confused by all the different signals his teacher sent him, but after discussing their interactions with Connor a little more, he at least reckoned that Mr. Asahi wasn’t completely opposed to being his soulmate. So if this poem wasn’t supposed to tell Haruki that there was someone else, then it would mean that Mr. Asahi believed that Haruki wasn’t interested in him. Which was just as ridiculous. Because Haruki was interested – more than interested. And even though he was always shy and hesitant when his teacher was around, he had never signalled him that he didn’t like him. He even tried to open up to him, like when he had hugged him or let their fingers touch in the car.

Maybe he was just thinking too much again. Maybe there wasn’t any further meaning to all of this. Maybe Mr. Asahi had just chosen this poem, because he liked it – nothing more, nothing less. Haruki knew he tended to read too much into simple situations, he had always been like this. He probably had to learn that not everyone was overthinking things like he did. But then, there was Mr. Asahi’s expression when Haruki had stated his interpretation. Gosh, he definitely had to call Connor as soon as he came home.

“Aujourd'hui, j'aimerais faire quelque chose d'un peu différent avec vous. Ce n'est peut-être pas le plus facile, mais je suis sûr que vous êtes prêt à essayer de lire de la littérature plus sophistiquée, ” Mr. Asahi said, walking through the rows of tabes while handing out a sheet of paper.   
/Today, I would like to do something a little different with you. It might not be the easiest, but I’m sure you’re ready to try to read more sophisticated literature./

It was already Friday. The last few days had passed so fast. Haruki had met up every afternoon with Connor and the weekend, too, was filled with their plans to immerse themselves into the world of video games once more. Haruki hadn’t felt so happy in a long time. He never thought he could miss a person so much, but obviously, he had missed his best friend a lot more than he had assumed. But now he was there, they had to get most of those few days together.

But having Connor back had further good sides than finally finishing that game they had started 8 months ago. Haruki finally had someone he could talk to when it came to Mr. Asahi. Well, not Mr. Asahi directly, because he hadn’t had the heart to reveal that his soulmate was his teacher yet. But he could finally consult with someone about the whole soulmate thing.

Not that Connor had any experience himself. His soulmate had turned out to be more than 60 years older than him. He had met the lovely lady when he had been 12 years old. They had taken a liking to each other instantly and Mrs. Mason had kind of adopted him as her own grandson since she and her husband had never been blessed with children themselves. They had remained friends until the day she died. But Connor had come to term with his situation.

‘I’m just so glad I got to meet her,’ he usually said, ‘and this doesn’t mean I have to be alone for the rest of my life. There are other people out there who are just as I am.’

And there were. Just like his roommate who had turned out to be a relative to Mrs. Mason and who apparently had lost his soulmate, too, when he had been younger. Haruki had always admired his best friend for this point of view and his optimism. Before he had met Mr. Asahi, he had wished he would be able to think the same way, to simply try to be happy with another person even if it wasn’t his ‘destined’ person. But something inside him had always held onto the stupid romantic idea that there was only one person out there that would truly make him happy and when Mr. Asahi walked by him to hand him a sheet of paper as well, Haruki was glad that he had kept onto this ideal.

Taking out a pencil to scribble the date on the upper corner of the paper, Haruki read the heading. ‘Sonnet d’automne’ (de ‘Les Fleur du Mal’ – Charles Baudelaire) it said. Weirdly, some little bell in Haruki’s head rang. He had heard that title before, just as the author. He just couldn’t tell when that had been. 

“Urgh, poetry?” Tobi chocked behind Haruki.

He was right. Haruki scanned the paragraphs and instantly noticed their typical arrangement and the rhyming scheme.

“Quelqu'un peut-il lire à haute voix, s'il vous plaît? ” Mr. Asahi asked the class.  
/Can anyone read out loud, please?/

Like usual, no one raised their hand.

“Personne?”  
/No one?/

“Alors…”  
/Okay,…/

The teacher cleared his throat and began to read.

«Ils me disent, tes yeux, clairs comme le cristal:  
«Pour toi, bizarre amant, quel est donc mon mérite?»  
— Sois charmante et tais-toi! Mon coeur, que tout irrite,  
Excepté la candeur de l'antique animal,

Ne veut pas te montrer son secret infernal,  
Berceuse dont la main aux longs sommeils m'invite,  
Ni sa noire légende avec la flamme écrite.  
Je hais la passion et l'esprit me fait mal! ”

Closing his eyes as he listened, Haruki noted once more how beautiful Mr. Asahi’s voice was. It was all the time, but even more so when he spoke in his mother tongue. It was so much softer, a little more husky, more vibrating. The spoken words were brought to Haruki’s ears like they were sitting on top of a wave, being gently washed to the shore and back to the sea in a continuous back and forth of spray.

Haruki could have closed his eyes, let himself be swept away by the steady rhythm of the poem if it wasn’t for some tremor, an unnoticeable unevenness that made Haruki step away from the warm beach and the scent of salty water in the wind and open his eyes instead.

Mr. Asahi didn’t look any different than usual. He was just as composed as ever. It had probably been some breathing issue or some suppressed hiccup that Haruki had misinterpreted, because of how odd Mr. Asahi’s aura seemed today. Then again, his fingers held the paper a little too tight, his lips pressed together during a pause just a bit too firmly.

For the shortest moment, Mr. Asahi lifted his head, his eyes wandering through the room. When they caught Haruki they lingered the beat of a butterfly’s wing too long, the expression of his eyes too empty before returning to the save haven of the printed text. In this moment, when his heart clenched and his stomach felt like it would turn around, Haruki realised where he had heard that book title before.

“Aimons-nous doucement. L'Amour dans sa guérite,  
Ténébreux, embusqué, bande son arc fatal.  
Je connais les engins de son vieil arsenal:

Crime, horreur et folie! — Ô pâle marguerite!  
Comme moi n'es-tu pas un soleil automnal,  
Ô ma si blanche, ô ma si froide marguerite?”

The classroom was completely quiet after Mr. Asahi had ended his recitation. One could have heard a pin drop, although the aquiver tension that still hovered over their heads would silence the intruding sound. Haruki could hear his own heartbeat pulsing in his ears and he surely wasn’t the only one. Students were used to listen to poems – some read mediocrely by a teacher, some learned by heart and a shame to the author. But Mr. Asahi had mastered the art of reciting. His expression, his voice. Everything had been true to the melody of the foreign language that foreshadowed the meaning of the words. It was just like… those sensations hidden behind written words were similar to his own. His presentation had been so real, because he could identify with the author.

Breaking away from Mr. Asahi, Haruki scanned the paper in front of him. He had been too captured by his teacher’s voice to think about the meaning of the poem. Quickly, he tried to translate the poem in his head.

“They ask me, your eyes, clear like a crystal: ‘What do I mean to you, strange lover?’  
\- Be charming and be silent! My heart, which is irritated by everything except for the candour of an ancient animal.

It doesn’t want to reveal its darkest secret to you, whose hands invite me to long sleep in a lullaby, nor its dark legend, written with flames. I hate passion and wit causes me pain.

Let us love gently. Love, dark and hidden in its shelter, draws it fatal bow. I know the weapons of its old arsenal: Crime, horror and madness!

Oh pale marguerite! Aren’t you an autumn sun like me, oh my white, oh my cold marguerite!”

This… This couldn’t be the poem Mr. Asahi had talked to Haruki about, could it? The only poem he could identify with in a huge collection of other ballads. Well, technically, this could be any of them. But why should he choose one to bring to class that he didn’t like? Sure, it had to be easy enough for them to understand and work with, but in that case, he could have chosen any other poem in the world. Why select on out of a book that he had showed Haruki and that he knew his student was aware that he just recently read.

Haruki’s eyes wandered over the printed letters once more. Mr. Asahi’s voice echoed in his mind as he read them again and again. Every word was just so full of pain and regret. He didn’t completely grasp the intention, but he understood the gist. With poetry, one could never be sure if the perceived theme was the one intended by the author. Yet if Haruki was right…

“Que pensez-vous de quoi parle ce poème ? ” Mr. Asahi asked into the silence.   
/What do you think is this poem about ?/

For a while no one said anything, like the impact of the teacher’s reading was only slowly wearing off. A few hands raised here and there, as the students woke up from that dream like state.

« Peut-être une fleur. Qui se fane puisque l'hiver arrive bientôt ? ” Akira said.  
/Maybe a flower ? That wilts since it'll be winter soon?/

« Oui, pas mal. D'autres idées ? ”  
/Yes, not bad. Any other ideas?/

Out of nowhere, Haruki raised his hand, too. He still had no idea if his interpretation was right, but there were so many things going on in his head, he needed to get them out in order to sort them.

“Oui, Haruki?”  
/Yes, Haruki?/

“L'auteur a un secret qu'il aimerait pouvoir dire à l'autre personne, mais il préfère garder le silence. Bien que son cœur déteste la malhonnêteté. Il est sur le point de tomber amoureux, mais il décide qu'il vaut mieux ne pas le faire. Pour s'épargner les douleurs qui accompagnent l'amour. Et aussi, il pense que le temps pour lui et son amant est terminé. Ils n'ont aucune chance. ”  
/ The author has a secret that he wishes he could tell the other person, but he rather stays silent. Although his heart hates the dishonesty. He's about to fall in love, but he decides it's better not to. To spare himself the pains that come with love. And also, he thinks that the time for him and his beloved are over. They don’t stand a chance./

After he had ended, Haruki looked up to Mr. Asahi. The teacher stared at him with wide eyes as if he was shook by his interpretation. His chest didn’t move anymore. Did he hold his breath? For a moment, he just mustered Haruki like he couldn’t understand how his student had come to that conclusion. Then, he swallowed hard and he closed his eyes for a second. When he opened them again, there was a flicker of… Haruki couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but if he was to make a suggestion it would be pain. Yet why should Mr. Asahi be hurt be Haruki’s words if it wasn’t for…

“How does he get such a romantic bullshit from that?” Haruki heard someone whisper behind him.

“I’ll never get this kind of literature. But no wonder why the girls love it.”

“Très bien, Haruki. Mais je dois corriger un point. Ce poème s’agit de l'amour - l'amour non partagé. L'auteur a des sentiments profonds pour une personne, mais il ne peut pas le lui dire. Parce qu'il sait que l'autre personne ne ressent pas la même chose. Il est cependant prêt à garder une relation amicale avec lui, même si cela le conduit à la folie.”  
/Great, Haruki. But I have to correct a one point. This poem is about love - unrequited love. The author holds deep feelings for a person, but he can't tell him. Because he knows the other person doesn't feel the same way. He is, however, willing to keep a friendly relationship with him, although it will drive him into madness./

“That’s so heart-breaking,” Liana whispered.

“Why would someone do that? So stupid,” Tobi mumbled.

“Because he loves that person so much that staying close to them is enough. Well, not enough, but they need to see them, have them in their life. He loves them so much that he just wants them to be happy, even if it isn’t with him,” Jenny hissed towards him.

Mr. Asahi cleared his throat and everyone turned towards the front of the classroom again. They continued to discuss the poem, but Haruki couldn’t really listen. His mind was somewhere completely different.

If he was to understand that this poem was the one Mr. Asahi had referred to after their first supplementary lesson, he had to assume that his teacher identified with the author. This would mean, in return, that he held feelings for someone that weren’t requited. Of course, for a moment the thought of Mr. Asahi being in love with someone else flickered up in Haruki’s mind. Maybe he had decided to bring this very poem to class to tell Haruki in a subtle way that he already liked someone else and that he wasn’t interested in his student.

Yet this total didn’t match his actions. Haruki was still confused by all the different signals his teacher sent him, but after discussing their interactions with Connor a little more, he at least reckoned that Mr. Asahi wasn’t completely opposed to being his soulmate. So if this poem wasn’t supposed to tell Haruki that there was someone else, then it would mean that Mr. Asahi believed that Haruki wasn’t interested in him. Which was just as ridiculous. Because Haruki was interested – more than interested. And even though he was always shy and hesitant when his teacher was around, he had never signalled him that he didn’t like him. He even tried to open up to him, like when he had hugged him or let their fingers touch in the car.

Maybe he was just thinking too much again. Maybe there wasn’t any further meaning to all of this. Maybe Mr. Asahi had just chosen this poem, because he liked it – nothing more, nothing less. Haruki knew he tended to read too much into simple situations, he had always been like this. He probably had to learn that not everyone was overthinking things like he did. But then, there was Mr. Asahi’s expression when Haruki had stated his interpretation. Gosh, he definitely had to call Connor as soon as he came home.


	17. Orange

„So he showed you that poem and now you’re confused, because you have no idea what he wants to tell you with that?” Connor said, laying on Haruki’s bed, his head hanging upside down over the mattress. He let his phone on which he had read a translation of the poem drop to the floor.

“Yeah, kind of,” Haruki answered. He sat on the floor, leaning against the bed.

“I wonder why he gives you a poem. Not that this isn’t like super romantic and stuff, but which guy does that?”

“Well… He’s different.”

“But how old is he? 17, 18? Like, no guy under 45 would do something like that.”

Haruki noticed that Connor’s questions became more and more detailed. He would never ask directly, but Haruki could sense that his best friend was curious about his soulmate.

“He’s… older than me.”

“If he’s older than you and knows that you’re into French, you probably met him in school. But you’re already one of the oldest students which would only leave…”

Connor rolled around and fixated Haruki with his eyes.

“Haruki?” he whispered, “There’s something important about him you haven’t told me yet, have you?”

Pressing his eye lids together tightly, Haruki wished that he could evade this topic. Yet he also knew that it was no use. Sooner or later he had to face admitting that his soulmate had quite a special relationship to him.

“Kiki… Please, don’t tell me he’s…”

“Yes.” Haruki’s voice was hardly audible as he mumbled into the collar of his hoodie. “He’s my new French teacher.”

It was silent for a while. Connor probably tried to process what Haruki had just revealed to him, although the quiet made him feel uncomfortable. But what did he expect? That his friend would tell him that it was fine? That it didn’t matter?

“That’s quite something, isn’t it?”

“Mhm.”

“And how to you feel about him? I mean, aside from the fact that you adore his teaching skills.”

The question confused Haruki. He turned his head around to look at Connor with raised eyebrows.

“What?” His best friend asked him.

“Aren’t you…” Haruki paused to think about what to say.

“You mean why I didn’t immediately call the police to tell them about this super inappropriate situation?”

This wasn’t how Haruki would have framed it, but it wasn’t totally off either so he shrugged his shoulders.

“Oh, Kiki. First, you’re already 19 and it’s not like he’s a hundred years old. Sure, this isn’t perfect, but I don’t see any problems that won’t solve themselves in just a few months. I see how it’s hard for the both of you right now, but if you manage to get over the next five months, you’ll have the freedom to do whatever you want. Second, I’m not the one to blame anyone for having a strange soulmate relationship. As long as he behaves himself, I don’t see any obligation to step in. He treats you right, doesn’t he?”

Haruki hesitated. A bit too long for Connor, though.

“What did he do?” he growled.

“Nothing! It was just… a misunderstanding. But we talked about it and now everything’s fine.”

Connor raised an eyebrow.

“Really. I promise,” Haruki added.

His best friend didn’t seem fully convinced, but for now he let that topic slide.

“So tell me. How do you feel about him?”

Fumbling with his fingers, Haruki tried to concentrate and sort his thoughts about Mr. Asahi.

“You know, he’s really nice. Charming, polite to everyone. It was hard at first, but after I got to know him a little more, I really started to feel good around him. Like it’s okay to be only me when I’m with him. I don’t need to hide anything or pretend like I’m someone else. I know it’s all so stupid, because in the end, I don’t know anything about him. The only time we really were alone was great, but… I’m afraid I’m already feeling more than I should and I’m sure I’ll only get hurt in the end.”

“Hmmm.”

“The worst thing is, that I tend to question if all those feelings are just there because he’s my soulmate. I’ve never been in love before. I have no idea how those things really work. I just guess that my feelings are rushed, because he’s practically a stranger to me and still… I hate it when he’s not around. I hate to think about him even if I don’t want to, because I just become more aware of how much I like him. It puts me at ease when I’m with him, but I also get incredibly nervous. I don’t know what to say or do. Mostly, it’s fine, because we’re in class, but when we’re not… I don’t want him to think that I’m an inexperienced child. I want him to get to know me and at the same time, I’m afraid. What if he doesn’t like me?”

“Do you think he likes you?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes, he just so sweet. He manages to make me feel like I’m really the only person in the world he wants to be with. But then a few days later, he acts so differently. More distant and cold. I can’t read him at all and it frustrates me. You see, just before the holidays, he asked everyone who chose French for their final exam to go on supplementary lessons…”

Haruki told Connor everything. From the moment where Mr. Asahi had saved him from hurting himself on the icy path to the second their fingers had touched. He even wet back in time to tell him about their first misunderstanding which Connor was obviously enraged about. Yet he managed to keep most of his opinion about Mr. Asahi’s behaviour to himself. Haruki only left his very vivid imagination of himself and Mr. Asahi in his bed out, because it didn’t really do anything to make the timeline of their relationship more clear.

“And what happened in class after he made you read the poem?” Connor asked when Haruki had finally reached the present day in his roundup.

“I raised my hand and described the meaning that I got from it. I had no idea if I was right, but I wanted him to know what I thought about it. After I ended, he just looked so devastated. If I had perfectly hit his own perception of the lines. But then he corrected me and said that it was about unrequited love.”

“So know you think he wanted to convey something to you with this poem.”

“Yeah.” Haruki hesitated. “Do you think I’m overthinking again?”

“Well,” Connor sighed after a moment, “I’d usually say yes. But then I come think about it in detail. He’s your teacher and he’s probably more aware of this fact than you. For him, this connection is a lot more difficult. I guess he’s as drawn to you as you are to him, because that is how soulmates feel. Even if he doesn’t see you as a potential lover, he can’t resist wanting to get to know you even more, I can tell from my own experience. He wants to explore why you were choosing for him, he can’t help it. It’s hard for him to see you every day in the hallway, not being able to talk to you or touch you in the way he really wants to. What happened between you two after that extra lessons was probably what he really desired to do. At least that’s what I assume. There’s no reason for him to fake anything about that. But I guess he questioned his behaviour and maybe he came to the conclusion that he has to be more careful around you. To protect the both of you. So for him, this poem might be the only way to communicate something to you that he really wants to convey, but that would be inappropriate for him to say out loud. I have no idea if my assumptions are true, that’s just what I think about it.”

“But… Why would he want me to know that the feelings he experiences are unrequited?”

“Yeah, that doesn’t make any sense to me either. Did you say anything to him or reject him in any kind of way?”

“No.”

“That’s weird.”

They both fell silent for a while.

“Maybe you guys should talk more.”

“Hm?”

“I know it’s probably strange for you both, but it’s the easiest and most obvious thing to do. See, you manage to jump from one misunderstanding to the next. No wonder, you guys don’t know each other well enough to understand the other’s intentions. Which is completely normal! But that’s why you need to talk more. Be honest, get to know him and try to find a way how to handle your situation until you graduate.”

“But what if he doesn’t want to talk to me? How should I get to know him, if he can’t talk openly in school.”

“You’re the smart one here. I’m sure you’ll find a way.”

For the rest of the afternoon, they returned to playing video games like they usually did before Connor left him to do his homework.

“Though I can’t wait until you’re finally at Uni as well, I’m sure you’ll make me feel bad all the time, because you study way more than I do,” he had said while hugging Haruki goodbye.

Maybe it had been Connor’s mention of university that reminded Haruki of a certain e-mail he had received during the holidays. He had completely forgotten about it, because of all the celebration and the emotional stress of the supplementary French lesson. Yet as soon as Connor had left, Haruki turned on his laptop and read it again.

‘Dear Mr. Watanabe

Thank you for your application for the major “French literature and culture” with a minor in “literary studies”. Please find attached the information on the screening test of your French abilities which will take place on May, 25 as well as study material. If you can provide a DELF B2 diploma….’

Haruki gulped. He had completely forgotten about the entrance examination for his major. This whole soulmate thing had occupied his mind so much that he hadn’t thought a second about the application.

Reading the e-mail again and again, Haruki noticed a lump building in his throat. He knew enough about language certification levels to know that he would only reach a B1 in French with his high-school diploma. He had no further certificates so he had to take that screening test. Yet to reach B2 in just a few months… He downloaded the attachments and skipped to the learning material and the example questions.

He understood the majority but they weren’t easy at all. To pass this test with a result that he would be satisfied with would require him to study a lot in addition to his final exams which would take place only a month later. Until then, there were only 4 months left. How should he manage that extra load without any help?

‘You’re the smart one. I’m sure you’ll find a way.’

Haruki had no idea why Connor’s words echoed in his mind right in this moment, but they made him think. Maybe he didn’t need to learn all this extra stuff on his own. Maybe he could get himself a tutor.


	18. Lavender

Haruki was shaking as he walked through the snow covered streets at an early Saturday afternoon. But not because he was cold. No. He was nervous, excited, anticipating. Yet mostly nervous. A bit like he had been a few days earlier when he had somehow gathered the courage to talk to Mr. Asahi.

He had waited until the last student had left the classroom after their French lesson on Tuesday. He had practised what to say the whole weekend, but when the time came, he hadn’t gotten out any word. Standing in front of Mr. Asahi’s desk he had searched for the planned speech in his dry mouth. Only when he coughed to clear his clenching throat, the teacher had looked up to him.

“Haruki?” he had said, clearly surprised. “How can I help you?”

“Um… I… wondered…”

“If it’s about the essay you handed in, I haven’t…”

“No, that’s not it.”

Haruki swallowed hard and recollected his thoughts.

“I applied for the French literature and culture major at M university.”

“Oh.” Mr. Asahi’s face had lightened up. “That’s fantastic.”

“Yeah, but I have to take an entrance exam in French. They already sent me the information and material and…”

“It’s quite a test, isn’t it? I was able to take a glance at their exam a few years ago. Even as a native speaker, I had to read some questions twice. Well, it suits their curriculum. I heard they have one of the best language departments, so I see why you’re a little intimidated.”

“I don’t think I can manage to pass just with what I know from school.”

“No, I guess not,” Mr. Asahi admitted.

“That was why I was wondering if… if you could tutor me.”

His last words were merely a whisper, but Mr. Asahi’s face had told him that he had understood him quite well nonetheless.

“I’d pay you of course if that’s the issue,” Haruki had added quickly, not quite knowing how to deal with the silence coming from his teacher.

“I don’t think this is possible, Haruki.”

“If it’s because we’re soul…”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Mr. Asahi sighed and got up. “I’m your teacher. I might only be an assistant teacher, but I still have a liability towards my superiors and my other students. To meet one of my students privately would surely not be well taken by the school administration. I’m sorry.”

Haruki remembered quite well how he had felt his throat tighten, his lips tremble, but he hadn’t been willing to give in so easily.

“But it wouldn’t be private tutoring to increase my grades. It would solely be for the entrance examination. I know from other schools that teachers give supplementary lessons to students who want to take certification exams. Our school doesn’t offer to take such tests that’s why I need to take the entrance exam in the first place.”

For a second, Mr. Asahi hadn’t said anything, but then he had massaged his forehead with a smile.

“Alright. I’ll see what I can do. But I can’t promise anything.”

It had been hard to hold back in order not to hug his teacher, so Haruki had settled for a bright smile.

“Thank you.”

He hadn’t heard from Mr. Asahi until their next lesson on Friday despite seeing him in hallway nearly every day. It had been nerve-wracking to wait the whole time and although Haruki had been the first to enter the classroom after the break, Mr. Asahi hadn’t said anything to him. As usual, he had started the lesson and Haruki had nearly lost hope when Mr. Asahi had returned their homework to them a few minutes before the end of the day.

"Je vous pris à prendre connaissance de mes commentaires. Si vous avez des questions, vous pouvez les poser maintenant".  
/Please take a look at my comments. If there are any questions you can ask them now./

His words had been directed at the whole class, yet his eyes had been particularly lying on Haruki. The student had opened his notebook and skimmed through the markings. There hadn’t been anything unusual. A few remarks, praises for good expression. Then, however, he had turned the page around and noticed a sticky note just below his last sentence.

‘School said yes. Saturday, 2 pm at my place.’

An address had been scribbled underneath. With wide eyes he had looked up to his teacher who had smiled at him before turning away to attend to a student’s question.

Of course, Haruki had immediately texted Connor after he had left the school and his best friend had been overjoyed, yet he had also warned Haruki.

‘Don’t expect too much of this. Use your chance, but you need to be aware that he’ll probably be cautious around you. Maybe it’s best to get a comfortable atmosphere in which both of you can work together without it being awkward first.’ He had answered.

Which hadn’t exactly helped. Surely, Haruki had burned into his mind that he shouldn’t expect something to develop that came close to what had happened after the supplementary lesson, but just imagining to be at Mr. Asahi’s home, to see how he lived, which photos decorated his walls, what he would wear. All those things made him so excited and incredibly nervous at the same time.

Holding on dearly to the printed study material as well as a few preparation notebooks for different language certificates that he had bought in a small panic attack, Haruki turned right and walked up to a small building with about 6 apartments inside. He looked out for Mr. Asahi’s name and pressed the bell on the highest floor. Immediately, the buzzer rang and Haruki was so surprised, he nearly forgot to push the door open.

With trembling legs, he climbed the stairs to the third floor. The door on the right stood already ajar. Assuming that it was Mr. Ashai’s, Haruki walked closer when he heard his teacher’s voice from inside.

“And I want you to be nice to him, okay? No subtle growling like with Aurora! You don’t need to like him although I’d really appreciate it. Just… don’t scare him away.”

Who was his teacher talking to? Did he have a roommate? But there wasn’t another name on the sign at the door. Strange.

“Um… excuse me?” Haruki knocked at the door.

Mr. Asahi opened the door, a caught expression on his face. “Hello Haruki, please come in.”

He allowed Haruki to enter and showed him where he could take off jacket. Haruki bend down to unlace his shoes when a wet nose nudged his hand. Haruki looked up and met the deep brown eyes of a dog.

“Oh, hi.” He said, letting the dog sniffle at his hand.

“So much about staying in the bedroom,” Mr. Asahi sighed. “Haruki, may I introduce? This is Archer. Archer, this is my student Haruki. I’m sorry, he’s sometimes a little hesitant towards strang…”

In that moment, Archer hopped onto Haruki who bumped onto the ground, the dog sitting in his lap while happily licking over his face.

“Never mind,” Mr. Asahi said with a soft smile on his face. “Archer leave him alone for now, he’s not here to pet you.”

Immediately, the dog obliged his owner and let go off Haruki although he stayed right beside him.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind him staying with us.”

Mr. Asahi helped him up and guided him deeper into the apartment, Archer right by Haruki’s side. The small entrance area lead into a large room. On the right side the living room opened up into the kitchen area which bordered right on a nice small balcony. On the left side, a working area was divided from the main room with a half-height shelf. Behind it was probably the bedroom or the bathroom. There were so many things to see, but Haruki wasn’t able to get a good glimpse of everything since his teacher led him straight to the working space where he had prepared a second chair as well as a cup and a pot.

“Please take a seat,” Mr. Asahi said offering him the second chair. “Would you like some cidre chaud? I thought you liked it the last time so I made it again. But you can have water, too, if you prefer that.”

If Haruki wasn’t so convinced that Mr. Asahi was a lot more composed than he was, he would have wondered if his teacher was a little nervous as well.

“Cidre chaud is perfect. Thank you very much.”

Mr. Asahi poured some of the hot juice into the cup and took a seat next to Haruki. Archer laid down in his bed right behind them and watched them which didn’t really help Haruki to relax.

“So… where should we start?” he asked when the silence was just too heavy.

“Well, I looked through past entrance exams as well as the past DELF B2 exams. I know how good your writing and speaking skills are, so I wouldn’t really worry about them too much. We’ll practise these parts, too, of course, but at first, I guess it would be best to go through a mock exam of the listening and comprehension part to see where you stand. Would that be alright?”

“Sure.”

“Great. I have a copy here, so if you want, you can start right away. I’ll also stop the time so we can see if that will be a problem for you.”

They started off with the listening part. The recordings were pretty fast and spoken by native speakers with a heavy accent so it was a little difficult to understand them. Mr. Asahi played them twice to give Haruki another possibility to go over his notes one more time to make sure he did understand them correctly. After a short break, they went right to the reading comprehension which also were really advanced. One was a newspaper article about the royal fashion of the 17th century while the second one was a personal opinion arguing in favour of taxing rich companies more.

Haruki felt a little uncomfortable being watched so closely by his teacher, sitting right next to him which was the closest they had been in a long time. Maybe Mr. Asahi wasn’t watching him writing, but reading the articles himself. Anyway, Haruki imagined the places where his teacher’s eyes met his skin to burn up. Yet after a while, this sensation changed. The burning heat changed into a comfortable warmth. Just like the cidre chaud, it made Haruki feel homey and at ease. He even became so relaxed that he managed to go through all the questions in no time.

“I’m done,” he sighed when he put the pen down.

“Great. You even would have had 10 more minutes.”

Haruki got up and stretched himself.

“You want me to go through your answers right away? Or you can go home and I’ll tell you the results next week.”

“Um..” Haruki hesitated. He wanted to stay, but he was afraid that it would be impolite to stay longer than necessary.

Someone else, however, decided to make this decision for him as Archer got up from his bed and stood up, his paws resting on Haruki’s thighs, his tail wagging happily.

“If it’s okay, I’ll stay and play with Archer.”

Mr. Asahi nodded and turned towards Haruki’s mock exam while the student sat down next to Archer’s bed and began to ruffle him all over.

“He really seems to like you,” Mr. Asahi said all of a sudden and Haruki turned around. His teacher had stopped reading through his answers to watch him play with Archer. “It’s a little new to me since he has never taken a liking in someone so fast.”

“Then I feel honoured,” Haruki answered with a smile as he fondled Archer under his chin.

He continued to cuddle with the dog until Mr. Asahi had gone through his exams.

“Okay,” the teacher said when Haruki sat down next to him again, “the reading comprehension doesn’t seem to have bothered you at all. So I guess it’s best to just read and discuss a few articles or texts together to extend your vocabulary a bit. And the listening was also not too bad. I assume it was hard since you never encounter such advanced and difficult to understand recordings at school, but with a little practise you’ll master those, too.”

“So you think I could pass the test in May?”

“Sure. You’re so much better than my other students. I have no doubt that you’ll pass, especially since you have about 4 months left to study. If you continue to practise on your own with the material that you have you could even manage to get a good result on your own.”

Haruki gulped. Maybe this was his teacher’s way to say that he didn’t want to tutor him after all, yet Mr. Asahi continued right away.

“But I’ll be happy to help you. It’s great practise for me and I have no choice but to help you when you want to study something that I love so much. Honestly, I’m really honoured that you asked me.”

Blushing, Haruki looked down at his hands.

“I had to ask you. I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to tutor me.”

From the corner of his eye, Haruki noticed who Mr. Asahi smiled softly.

“I’m glad I listened to Connor for once. I probably wouldn’t have asked you if he hadn’t encouraged me to.”

“Connor?”

Suddenly, Mr. Asahi’s face went stiff and his eyes drifted away from Haruki.

“Yes, you might have seen him on the school ground once or twice lately. He picked me up when he was on winter break.”

Mr. Asahi nodded slowly and somehow, Haruki got the feeling that something was wrong with him. Did he know Connor? Had he met him before? Had he seen them together? But so what? They were friends and nothing more. Though… People had mistaken them for a couple in the past. But Mr. Asahi wouldn’t think like that, would he. He knew that Haruki was only interested in him, didn’t he?

“He’s my best friend,” he clarified quickly, “He goes to M university, too. That’s why I took a look at their curriculum at the first time. I didn’t know that they were so well-known for their language courses, but now it’s a win-win situation. I haven’t seen him in ages, because he was so busy with studying and his roommate.” Haruki mimicked quotation marks with his fingers when he mentioned Connor’s roommate Mason just to point out that he wasn’t interested in Connor that way.

“So he’s not your…” Mr. Asahi mumbled.

“ My what?”

“Your boyfriend.”

So it had really been this way. Haruki felt so stupid for not noticing. Still he wondered how Mr. Asahi had come to this assumption. He must have seen them when Connor had picked him up. He already wanted to ask, yet in this moment it was more important to get this misunderstanding straight.

“God, no! He’s been my best friend since childhood. We’re close, but there’s nothing more. I promise.”

Mr. Asahi’s face relaxed and he looked like a huge weight had been lifted off his chest. But just a moment later, he had himself under control again.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked about such a personal detail from a student.”

“No, no. It’s alright. I mean it would be strange if any teacher asked me such a thing, but you… You’re… I… I mean it’s okay when you ask me such things.”

They looked at each other for a while and for the first time this day, Haruki felt like they had achieved something comparable to that comfortable atmosphere Connor had talked about. But as luck would have it, his phone rang right that moment, reminding him to come in time to have dinner with his family.

“Um… I guess I have to leave now,” he whispered, hating to break that moment between them.

“Sure.”

Mr. Asahi followed him to the hallway and watched him as Haruki put on his clothes again.

“Shall I drive you?”

“No, it’s fine,” Haruki answered although he would have loved it. Takeshi would be home and asking why his teacher drove him all this way. When he had mentioned the tutoring to him, Haruki might have ‘forgotten’ to tell him that it would take place at his teacher’s home rather than at school.

Completely dressed, Haruki waited for Mr. Asahi to say goodbye. Yet he didn’t. Instead, he looked at Haruki like he wanted to say something different, but couldn’t. Archer, too, had followed Haruki to the door and now rubbed his head against his legs, yelping silently.

“Seems like he doesn’t want you to go,” Mr. Asahi whispered.

‘Me neither,’ Haruki thought.

“I’ll be back next week, Archer. And then I’ll make sure to cuddle with you properly to make up for today, okay?”

“Sounds good,” Mr. Asahi answered for Archer.

“Take care, Haruki. Return home safely.”

“Goodnight, Mr. Asahi. And thank you,” the student answered and left.


	19. Ruby red

„Great work, Haruki,“ Mr. Asahi said after going through his notes.

It was Saturday again – the one day of the week Haruki was looking forward to more than Tuesdays or Fridays. Not because it was a day of the weekend. No. He couldn’t wait for the afternoon to arrive, because he would be allowed to be in Mr. Asahi’s apartment, sitting right next to his teacher while fondling his dog behind the ears. How he and Archer had formed that nearly inseparable bond over just a few weeks, neither Haruki Mr. Asahi knew. His teacher had told him more than once that his dog’s behaviour towards Haruki was totally different from how he acted towards other people. Normally he didn’t seem to be interested in others or simply wanted some cuddling before leaving them alone, but as soon as Archer could smell Haruki through the door he was waiting for him on the doorstep with a wagging tail. 

It was the fourth weekend in a row that Haruki had been invited to his teacher’s home for their supplementary tutoring and he had to admit that with every time, he fell in love with Mr. Asahi a bit more. The first time, they both had been a little uncomfortable and awkward, but with every passing week, they adjusted to each other more and more. Haruki wasn’t as nervous as in the beginning and his heart didn’t explode quite as much when they accidentally touched. Mr. Asahi, too, opened up to him a bit more every single time. While he had acted like a teacher the first two meetings, the third time he behaved more causally around Haruki.

Further, they had started to talk about other things after they finished studying together. Mr. Asahi had told him how he had gotten Archer after leaving France, because he felt a little lonely while Haruki had told him a little about his family. They had found out that Takeshi was the same age as Mr. Asahi and suddenly, the age difference between them didn’t feel as large anymore. Strangely, Mr. Asahi had been surprised when Haruki had mentioned that he was already 19. At first, he had believed it to be because he had repeated a year which startled most teachers, yet the expression of relieve on Mr. Asahi’s face had told a different story. He had surely been curious, but since he was also happy that Mr. Asahi hadn’t asked for the reason of his setback, he had rather let that question slide.

“Thank you,” Haruki beamed.

It was weird to admit, but being praised by Mr. Asahi felt so much better then by any other teacher. The man smiled back at him and handed him the marked paper.

“You’re getting better at the listening comprehension really fast,” he continued to compliment Haruki.

“Well, I’m having a great teacher.”

“As much as I’d like to mark that as my personal accomplishment, I guess I didn’t do much but provide you with material to exercise.”

“That’s not true. You discuss the hearings with me afterwards if I didn’t understand something and you explain to me how the different accents work. And… it’s a lot more fun to learn when I’m not on my own.”

As if to confirm his statement, Archer walked up to him and rested his head on Haruki’s thigh, his usual sign that he wanted to be petted.

“Well, Archer seems happy, too, that you’re here so often. If it was for him, you’d be here every day.”

“I’d like that, too”, Haruki whispered and a light blush warmed up his face.

For a while now, he wondered whether the comments about Archer liking him to be there, were instead hidden ways of Mr. Asahi telling him how he really felt. It was surely Haruki overinterpreting things again, but still he liked that idea so he kept on misunderstanding them in that way.

“Gosh, it’s already that late,” Mr. Asahi interrupted their small moment, “You better make your way home or your mother will worry.”

“Yeah, sure,” the boy mumbled, feeling kicked out, “though she won’t worry. She’s on the late shift over the weekend for the whole month.”

“And your brother?”

“Working tonight as well.”

“So you’ll home alone?”

“Guess so. But that’s okay, I’m used to that since Takeshi moved out.”

Mr. Asahi looked at him for a while with an illegible expression.

“If you want to…you could stay for dinner. I bought too much anyways.”

His words left Haruki shook. Never had he dared to even wish staying longer with Mr. Asahi than their usual one and a half hours. Of course, he felt his heart throb every time the door closed behind him and he had to walk down the stairs, but he was already grateful for the time they had. To see Mr. Asahi outside of school, to be in his apartment and talk to him like they weren’t teacher and student was more than he had ever hoped for in the beginning. Yet now Mr. Asahi asked him to stay. He wanted to spent more time with him, overwhelming Haruki so much, that he wasn’t able to answer.

“I mean, Archer would surely like it if you want to stay of dinner. He was really disappointed when you had to leave a bit early last week. But I understand if you rather want to go home. I’m sure your mother has prepared something for you to eat and…”

“No!” Haruki suddenly blurted out before Mr. Asahi could take back his invitation, “I’d love to stay for dinner.”

For a second, Mr. Asahi looked at him startled but then this beautiful broad smile that he never wore in school appeared on his face.

“Great!” He got up from his chair and indicated Haruki to follow him to the kitchen. “Is there anything you’d like to eat in particular? I’ve got stuff here for stuffed bell peppers but I could also make simple noodles with tomato sauce or maybe you prefer something different?”

“Stuffed bell peppers sound fine,” Haruki mumbled still a little overwhelmed.

“Perfect,” Mr. Asahi answered and got the vegetables out of his fridge. “You can go play with Archer if you want to. Or you can just sit down on the couch while I cook.”

Playing with Archer sounded great, but Haruki wasn’t just here for the dog, he still had another mission that he wanted to accomplish.

“Um… Is there anything I could help you with?”

“Sure, I’d really appreciate it. You can start cleaning and cutting the mushrooms if you like.”

Cautiously he walked up to his teacher who handed him the mushrooms. Taking his place right beside his teacher, he watched him chop the onions like a pro from the corner of his eye while getting the rests of dirt off the champignons.

“Did you learn to cook by yourself?” he tried to start a conversation, settling with the most obvious topic. It wasn’t creative, but he still was not able to get over the fact that he would spent a casual, totally non-educational dinner with Mr. Asahi.

“No, my grandmother taught me. She’s more versatile in baking, but she’s a great cook, too.”

“My brother tried to teach me, too. I got the basics down, but I’ll never be as good as him, though.”

After he finished the cleaning part, Haruki carried the mushrooms to the small cutting board that Mr. Asahi had prepared for him.

“It’s really nice of your brother to come to your house to cook every now and then. It surely helps your mother, too.”

“Yes, it takes a lot of weight off her shoulders. Especially when she’s not at home. She’s always afraid that I won’t eat enough when I’m on my own. When we were young we had my father to look after us when she worked at night and the other way around, but now…” Haruki suddenly stopped.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just… I haven’t thought of him in quite a while. The last time’s been…” Haruki closed his eyes and couldn’t help but smile sadly. “It’s been the first day of the school year. When I happened to collapse in class. Takeshi had to pick me up and…” He swallowed hard. “I had totally forgotten that he had the same hair colour as my dad. He looks so much like him now.”

It was hard to hold back the tears. Haruki didn’t want to cry in front of Mr. Asahi even though he already felt his eyes water. He tried to continue focusing on the knife in his hands, but his sight was incredibly blurry.

“Haruki! You’re bleeding!” Mr. Asahi exclaimed, letting his knife fall onto the cutting board.

In surprise, Haruki looked down on his hand and noticed himself that he had accidentally cut the back of his middle and index finger.

“Oh.”

“It doesn’t seem to be deep but I’ll get you some disinfectant and patches,” Mr. Asahi rushed off to the bathroom while Haruki still stared at his fingers.

He was so stupid. If he had his emotions a little better under control this wouldn’t have happened. He had totally destroyed the nice atmosphere he and Mr. Asahi were having. He would probably never ask him to stay longer again and only because Haruki was so stupid and childish.

“Does it hurt?”

Haruki shook his head, not wanting to look at his teacher.

“Here,” Mr. Asahi said, carefully spraying some disinfectant on the wounds and placing the patches on top.

“Thank you,” Haruki mumbled.

How did he always manage to embarrass himself like that? Why couldn’t he be a bit cooler, like his brother. Maybe then, Mr. Asahi would like him more. Nobody of his age would be interested in a dumb crybaby like him.

“Hey, Haruki…”

A rush of blood shot straight into Haruki’s face when Mr. Asahi placed his hand under his chin and gently lifted it up, so Haruki had to face his teacher. Yet instead of a disgusted or annoyed expression, Mr. Asahi’s eyes were full of concern. Carefully, he wiped away the hint of a tear that had escaped Haruki.

“I’m sorry for evoking such a painful memory.” Mr. Asahi’s voice was calm but slightly rasp.

“It’s not your fault.”

“I know. I’m still sorry.”

He lifted up Haruki’s injured hand and placed a soft kiss on the bandaged fingers, making Haruki’s heart beat up ten times faster.

“Shall we continue?” he asked suddenly and Haruki was glad for the change of mood.

He nodded.

“Okay, but I guess you better take care of the meat now and I’ll do the cutting for today.”

About an hour later, Haruki let himself fall into the cushions of Mr. Asahi’s sofa.

“Full?”

“Full and happy,” Haruki grinned as he caressed Archer’s head who had cuddled up next to him, dozing.

“Then I’m happy, too,” the teacher said as he got up to put the empty plates back into the kitchen. “I’m also glad that you feel better than before. I really didn’t want to bring up anything that hurt you so much.”

Haruki didn’t know where these words came from, but he suddenly felt like he had to justify his emotionality from earlier.

“He died when I was 10, you know,” he whispered.

Mr. Asahi walked back to him slowly. “Haruki, you don’t have to explain…”

“I know. But I want to.”

He really wanted to. He hadn’t spoken about his father to anyone besides his brother in years. Not even Connor. But with Mr. Asahi, he felt like it was right to share this part of his life.

“He was a paramedic. That’s also how he met my mom. They were soulmates though it was a miracle for them to meet. My dad was here to visit a friend when he drove by a car accident. He got the victims out of the car, but got injured himself so he paramedics on duty had him drive to the hospital as well. My mom wasn’t supposed to be there, too. She had changed shifts with a colleague on short notice. It was love at first sight for both of them.”

The longer he spoke, the more Haruki’s hands began to tremble. He had always loved the story of how his parents got to meet. Maybe due to their romantic and fateful first meeting, he had always been so obsessed with the idea of having a soulmate.

Swallowing hard, Haruki wanted to continue when he suddenly felt something warm around his hand. He looked up from the point on the floor he had stared down for the time being only to see his fingers intertwined with Mr. Asahi’s. The warmth that radiated from his teacher’s hand was so calming and reassuring, Haruki had to hold back his tears one more time. But not because it hurt, yet rather because Mr. Asahi made him feel so secure that it would be okay to cry.

“I still remember when the police came to our door. Takeshi and I were watching TV. I should have been in bed for hours, but I insisted to wait for our dad to come home since he had promised to continue reading “The dragon knight” to me. From my place on the couch I could see my mom’s back at the door. Takeshi noticed that something was wrong and went to see what was up. When he came back I knew that something terrible had happened.”

The face of Takeshi, his watery eyes and the trembling lips were still vivid in his mind. He, who had also just lost his father, had tried to stay strong for his younger brother, but had failed at hiding how shattered he had been.

“Someone crashed into my dad’s MICU, because his music was so loud he didn’t hear the siren. They lost control of the car and drove right into the closest building. My dad died before they even got him to the hospital.”

He gentle caresses of Mr. Asahi’s thumb on the back of Haruki’s hand was the only thing to keep him from bursting into tears.

“While my mom and Takeshi did everything to make up for our loss, I couldn’t handle his death for a long time. I completely stopped talking and even had to be taken out of school for a year. I later hated to be set back, because all I wanted to do from that point on was to graduate to be able to leave this city where everything reminds me of him.” His voice broke when he added, “I just miss him so much.”

Instantly, Mr. Asahi pulled him into his arms. His fingers clawed into his teacher’s shirt, Haruki took in his scent, allowing it to calm him down, while Mr. Asahi held him so tight that those dark memories weren’t able to drag Haruki back into that ocean of nothingness that had surrounded him since that day. While he would normally be nervous and shy, Haruki felt his heart relax in his teacher’s embrace as he let go off all restraints allowed his sorrow to show up and vanish from his body with the tears that ran down his cheek.

“I’m so sorry, Haruki. I can’t imagine how hard all of this must have been for you. But I’m really proud of you to have come so far nonetheless. It just shows how strong you are.”

Haruki didn’t answer and instead cuddled up to the warm chest in front of him as he calmed down. He had hated fate from that day on and even more so when he had lost his colour vision. The latter wouldn’t have been so heart-breaking if his father had still been there. Yet back then he had just felt so lonely and forsaken from fate.

Haruki hated the thought that slipped into his mind that told him that without his father’s accident, he might never have met Mr. Asahi. He refused to accept that his father’s death had served a purpose, but at least, he had lost the largest wrath towards fate. Because eventually, it had lead him to his soulmate. And right here, in Mr. Asahi’s arms, Haruki finally felt like he wasn’t alone anymore.


	20. Opal

Haruki’s concerns that he had scared Mr. Asahi away with his small meltdown had been without any reason. If anything had changed between them since that day, Mr. Asahi acted more softly around him, but not in a way that made Haruki think that Mr. Asahi did it out of pity. It was difficult to describe. It was more Mr. Asahi appreciating that Haruki had opened up to him and reciprocating this form of trust by letting his guard down more when they were alone. Every now and then, he initiated the tiniest touches between them – his fingers resting a millisecond too long on Haruki’s when handing him a sheet of paper. His nose caressing Haruki’s hair when he leant over him to reach out for something in the shelf next to his student. And even when they weren’t able to touch, Mr. Asahi’s look at him in class was so much softer when it was directed towards him compared to anyone else. All those small things were hardly noticeable and not at all captious, but they were there and Haruki couldn’t help but feel how his heart grew with every gesture.

Further, Mr. Asahi hadn’t stopped inviting him to stay longer after their tutoring. Haruki had had to turn him down last week since Takeshi had offered him to eat with him and Cornelius in their apartment. But luckily, Haruki’s brother had to work tonight and since his mother still worked the night shift, Haruki sincerely hoped that Mr. Asahi would ask him to stay today again.

Yet when Haruki reached the last landing and looked at Mr. Asahi waiting for him, the student wasn’t so sure if he better returned home right away. Mr. Asahi looked horrible to be polite. His usual sun-bronzed skin appeared white and pale. There were large bags under his eyes as if he hadn’t slept in the last five days. Now that Haruki thought about it, his teacher hadn’t been looking too healthy yesterday during class either, but without his suit and the favourable lighting of the classroom, Haruki knew now that he had just composed himself in order not to worry his students. Maybe, it had also been easier for Haruki to notice since the others didn’t know how rosy Mr. Asahi’s skin normally was.

Quickly, he hurried up the stairs as his teacher wavered dangerously.

“Mr. Asahi, are you okay? Are you sick?” he asked him, lifting up his hand to measure the other man’s temperature.

“No, I’m fine. I… just didn’t sleep much.” Mr. Asahi’s voice really sounded quite tired as he took Haruki’s hand and guided it down again, not letting go of it as he pulled him inside.

“Are you sure? If you want to sleep, it’s okay to postpone our session today. I really don’t want to bother you or keep you from resting.”

“You could never be a bother, Haruki.”

The softness with which Mr. Asahi said those words travelled right into Haruki’s chest and warmed his whole body as if the cold outside had never existed. So despite really worrying about his teacher, Haruki followed him to their usual study place.

“I prepared another text for today. So if you want you can read it out loud for me to check your pronunciation and afterwards we can discuss a few points. How does that sound?”

“Sounds good.”

Haruki sat down next to Mr. Asahi and took a look at the paper in front of him.

“Le carnaval de Nice et les batailles de fleurs,” he began to read.  
/The Nice Carnical and the Flower Battles/

“Have you heard about the carnival in Nice before?” Mr. Asahi asked.

“No.”

“Oh that’s really a shame. It’s beautiful. There are a lot of people but it’s just so colourful. I’ve been there once with my grandparents when I was a child. We really should look at some pictures afterwards.”

“Le carnaval de Nice est l’un des trois plus grand carnavals au monde…”

Haruki continued to read a few lines without Mr. Asahi interrupting him. The student didn’t mind it if it meant for him to pronounce all the words correctly. But after the third paragraph, Haruki felt like there was something off. Mr. Asahi’s breathing sounded way too shallow and steady to be normal. Turning his head to the side, Haruki didn’t know if he should be worried or chuckling. His teacher had fallen asleep, still sitting upright in his chair. If Haruki wasn’t so concerned about his state it would be rather cute.

Maybe it wasn’t right, but Haruki used his chance to get a better look at Mr. Asahi without him noticing. His teacher was really a beautiful man. Despite his young age, he appeared to be so much more mature than Takeshi was, yet when he was sleeping one could easily see that he wasn’t even close to his thirties. His features were extremely masculine, his jawline sharp while his eyebrows gave him that gentle look. It was now that Haruki really noticed for the first time that the hair on top of his head were dyed lighter than his natural colour. His lashed were fine and long and probably the object of many people’s jealousy.

Haruki’s eyes travelled lower and stopped at Mr. Asahi’s lips. Their soft pink drew Haruki closer, evoking the desire to touch them. First with his finger, feeling how soft they really were, but eventually… What would Mr. Asahi taste like? Probably like coffee, his whole apartment smelled like it. Yet the undertones were what Haruki was so curious about. Would it be sweet or more salty?

Unconsciously, Haruki leaned forward until he could feel Mr. Asahi’s breath against his own lips. Just a few inches more and… Suddenly, Mr. Asahi’s breath hitched and Haruki drew back.

Gosh, what had he done? Well not really done, but what had he intended to do? Shaking his head vigorously, Haruki focused on calming his heart down. How could he think that kissing his sleeping teacher would be good idea? Kissing without consent, without even knowing if the other party liked them in that way was an absolute no-go. He should probably wake Mr. Asahi before he got any other stupid ideas.

“Mr. Asahi?” he whispered. “Mr. Asahi?”

“Um?”

Only slowly, his teacher opened his eyes and blinked a few times before focusing his gaze on Haruki.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry, Haruki. I just rested my eyes and…” Mr. Asahi took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m sorry. Please, would you start over for me, I’m trying to stay awake this time.”

“There’s no need to apologize, but… I don’t want you to force yourself. It’s okay, if you’re too tired. I really think you should rest before you get sick.”

Although Haruki felt a little disappointed, his worries about his teacher’s health were stronger, so he got up. Mr. Asahi followed his example.

“I’m fine, real…” He started but a yawn interrupted him.

Haruki couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah, you look like that.”

“I’m sorry. I had an deadline coming up for university and had to pull a few all-nighters to get it done in time.”

As if it was the most natural gesture in the world, Haruki lifted up his hand and cupped Mr. Asahi’s cheek.

“You need to take more care of yourself,” he whispered. “But since you won’t, I have to which means that I’ll leave you now. It’s okay to cancel a tutoring session, but I’ll be mad at you if you don’t hold your lesson on Tuesday.”

The corners of Mr. Asahi’s lips lifted in a weak smile.

“You don’t need to show me out. I’d rather you go to bed straight away. Good night, Mr. Asahi.” Haruki wanted to turn around, but his teacher held onto his hand tightly.

Surprised, he looked at Mr. Asahi who swallowed hard before he spoke. “But... I don’t want you to leave.”

For a moment, Haruki’s world stopped turning completely. His heart didn’t beat, no air left his lunges. But then, everything rushed into him. Heat flushed his face, a rush energy evoked by Mr. Asahi’s words causing his legs to tremble. Nervous butterflies that had slept deeply in Haruki’s stomach were woken up and their wings made his skin tingle.

“I…” he stumbled. What should he reply to this? “How can I say no to you?” dropped finally from his lips.

The happiness that radiated from Mr. Asahi’s smile shot just another arrow into Haruki’s heart. He guided his student to the couch where they sat down next to each other. Haruki wished he could simply cuddle up to Mr. Asahi like a normal couple, but both of them didn’t dare to make a move.

“Well, we could watch a movie in French if you want to. That way you’d at least get a little of practise. I’ve got quite a lot of movies in French here.”

Haruki chuckled. “Still a teacher, hm?”

“I don’t want you to come here for nothing.”

‘Being with you is reason enough to come here,’ Haruki thought.

“Is there anything you’d like to watch? What’s your favourite movie? You talked about it in class, but you said you didn’t know the title in French.”

“You still know that?” Haruki was surprised. “Um… It’s ‘How to Train Your Dragon’. I know it’s a children’s movie, but I still really like it,” he admitted a bit embarrassed.

“I don’t think it’s just a children’s movie. I really enjoyed it, too. Especially the soundtrack. It was really epic.”

“You’ve seen it?”

“Sure. More than once to be honest.”

“I wouldn’t have thought that.”

“Why?”

Haruki shrugged his shoulders.

“Well, we could watch it in French of course. But I assume you’ve seen it in every language so far and probably know it by heart already.”

A slight blush appeared on Haruki’s face, making his teacher chuckle.

“That’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I think it’s rather cute. But if you don’t have any preferences, I’d recommend ‘La Famillie Bélier’ if you haven’t seen it. It’s an original French movie and I think it’s really beautiful.”

“Then I guess I have to trust your judgement,” Haruki smiled at his teacher, finding his confidence again.

Mr. Asahi got up and put in the DVD. Then he sat down next to Haruki again, a bit closer than before. They started the movie and Haruki found it really easy to follow the French. The plot wasn’t too complicated either and the main actress really had a beautiful voice which really made listening to her singing even more pleasant. But what occupied him more than the plot was Mr. Asahi leaning in closer to him with every second until his head rested on Haruki’s shoulder. His breath was calm and deep, hitting Haruki’s neck which caused goose bumps all over his skin. Haruki thought he had fallen asleep when he whispered with a surprisingly firm voice.

“The deadline for my essay was tomorrow night. I wanted it to finish it before today, because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy having you over with it in mind.”

After he had ended, Haruki felt surrounded by dead silence. The movie was still running, but he didn’t hear it. Instead, Mr. Asahi’s words rang in his mind, accompanied by the pounding of his heart. It was hard to put into words how incredibly happy Haruki felt. Mr. Asahi really liked to have him over. He had always assumed it was this way, but now he knew for certain. He thought about what he could answer to signify his teacher that he felt the same way, but a dart to his right made him realise that Mr. Asahi had finally fallen sleep. And Haruki wouldn’t dare to wake him up.

For about half an hour, Haruki continued to watch the film alone while darting gazes at his teacher as he slept on his shoulder. He could have stayed like that forever if it wasn’t for Mr. Asahi’s phone buzzing on the small table in front of them. The screen lighted up for a second, showing the incoming message. Haruki felt like it was impolite to read the preview so he glued his eyes to the tv screen. But after a few minutes another message was coming in and another and another. If it was his curiosity about who tried to reach his teacher so persistently or the fear of the buzzing waking Mr. Asahi up that made him feel uneasy Haruki didn’t know. He just wished he could silence that annoying noise, but it was impossible to reach for the phone while Mr. Asahi was still lying on top of him. Hopefully, the person would understand that he wasn’t available and stop texting him.

It was silent for a few minutes and Haruki was relieved to have this intimate moment with his teacher preserved. Then, however, the phone screen lighted up again, loud music playing to notify its owner of the incoming call.

‘Aurora’ Haruki read.

He knew that name. Wasn’t she a friend of Mr. Asahi?

With a grumble, the latter sat up again, stretching himself. He threw an confused gaze towards Haruki as if he didn’t know what was happening. Yet he soon realised that his ringing phone had caused him to wake up and he answered the call with an apologetic look towards Haruki while the student paused the movie.

“Yeah?”

“No, I haven’t read them.”

“Aurora, I’m busy.

“No, I won’t. I’ve told you the last time and I haven’t changed my mind about it.”

“Aurora, please… I don’t have time for that now. Since this isn’t an emergency, I’m hanging up now.”

He put the phone down and sighed.

“Are you okay?” Haruki asked him when his teacher sat down next to him again. The curiosity burned inside him, but he didn’t feel like he was in the position to ask any further details.

“Yeah, sure… It’s just… I’m sorry for answering the phone. She barely calls me so I thought it must be something important.”

“It’s okay.”

Mr. Asahi took a deep breath. “And I’m sorry for using you as a pillow. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“I didn’t feel uncomfortable. Not in the slightest,” Haruki answer, happy to get the chance to be honest to his teacher as well.

“That’s good. Because you’ve been the best pillow I’ve had in a while,” Mr. Asahi said with a soft voice and a smile that would have pulled the rug out from under Haruki’s feet. It was really sweet how he got a little more honest when he was tired.

Haruki returned the smile and instantly felt the butterflies in his stomach dance again.

“So, how about we try to finish that movie now? I’ll do my best to stay awake this time.”

Haruki nodded and expected Mr. Asahi to push the play button, but instead the teacher just reached out for the remote and scooted over to the edge of L-shaped sofa where he made himself comfortable. He laid his arm down on the armrest.

“Would you like to come over? Just in case I fall asleep again.”

Okay, now Haruki’s heart was officially bursting. It completely stopped working, but it didn’t matter since he could die happily now. As quick as his body allowed him, he scooted over into Mr. Asahi’s arm who pulled him a little closer so he was mostly resting comfortably on Mr. Asahi’s chest.

“Ready?” he asked and pushed the play button.


	21. Marble

When Kaito returned to the school on Monday, it was really difficult not to let his colleagues know right away that his last two weekends had been – how should he call it? – wonderful. Although he had been massively overtired, just the memory of Haruki lying in his arms, watching a movie together as it was the most normal thing in the world conjured a smile on his face. First he had been afraid that he had been too bold encouraging Haruki to sit so close to him. Then he had been worried that Haruki would notice how heavy and fast his heart had been pounding when the boy had actually followed his invitation. Yet after Kaito had gotten accustomed to that new sensation, he had really, really enjoyed it.

It had seemed as both of them had needed that little nudge, because the following week, the distance between them had shrunken a bit more. A long hug when Haruki had arrived and an even longer when he had had to leave had been the result. Maybe they had been cuddling on the couch again, watching another one of Kaito’s favourite movies after they had studied together. Afterwards, he had insisted on accompanying Haruki home, because the boy didn’t seem like he had wanted to leave. And Kaito hadn’t been ready to let him go either. First and foremost, because it had gotten quite late and he didn’t want him to go home alone. Further, it had brought the advantage of spending a little more time with Haruki while allowing Archer to walk with them. The poor dog hadn’t gotten the amount of exercise he needed lately and Kaito had been feeling really guilty about it. Walking with Haruki had really been refreshing, the icy air had done his tired brain a favour and he had actually been able to hold a nice conversation. Once more Kaito had been astonished by how mature Haruki could be while at the same time he had persevered himself a fascination for the most uncommon things that Kaito really liked about him.

He knew that it wasn’t right to be so close to a student, but he couldn’t help it anymore. Not when he knew how amazing it felt to be with Haruki. Alone talking to him set his mind at ease and made him feel so whole and at home like he hadn’t done in years. Holding him in his arms, just feeling his heartbeat close to his own was the most fulfilling sensation he had experienced so far. He knew he took a risk by letting his guard down, by inviting Haruki to his home, allowing him to be a part of his life. But there was no way he couldn’t have done that. His whole existence screamed for Haruki and being able to close his eyes and take in the fresh, slightly melon scent of Haruki’s hair, feeling his slender finger underneath his own was worth every risk.

Also, he was really happy how Haruki and Archer got along, though that phrasing was an understatement. To see them play together, to know that Archer liked Haruki just as much as he did while allowing to be a part of their family warmed his heart. When he remembered how he had acted around Aurora when she was coming over, he probably shouldn’t have allowed a student to meet his dog. Archer usually was the sweetest dog and he obeyed every command. But around his friend, he hadn’t behaved as lovely as usual. Kaito had just assumed that he didn’t like her, but when she had come over the last time, he had growled at her and Kaito had been forced to go to Aurora’s, because they hadn’t been able to talk calmly with Archer around. With Haruki, however, he behaved like a puppy, all playful and desperate for some cuddles.

Thinking about Aurora, Kaito really wondered why she had texted him so much on that Saturday – even called him. Sure, she had been a little mad after he had left her at the bar, but she really couldn’t blame him. The few times they had actually end up in bed had happened quite a while ago and both of them had made it clear that they simply wanted to have some fun. For her to be so pushy was something new, although Kaito had to admit that she had been like that for a few weeks now. Asking him to come to the bar or go out with her to dance. Even if Kaito had the time to do all those things, he didn’t want to and Aurora didn’t seem to understand him. During the last one and a half weeks, she had continued to text him, telling him that she missed him. If it was just for their friendship, Kaito wouldn’t have seen any problems with meeting up with her, but somehow he felt like there was more to it. For that reason, too, he put her off. 

The day went by without any incidents and luckily, no one remarked any change in Kaito, although he felt like he must be beaming. Monday was one of his longest teaching days since the school had offered him to also assist with other classes. Teaching the 6th graders was fun, because it was their first year of French, while the older kids were a lot harder to motivate, but he liked it nonetheless. He was starting to get along with his students and felt like they really liked him, too, which showed him that he was doing the right thing.

“Still here, Mr. Asahi? I thought you were done after 7th period.” Ms. Miller approached him when he was checking his post box. The school had established it in front of the teacher’s room to give student’s the possibility to hand in important documents to their teacher in case they had forgotten to do in class and the teacher wasn’t in the lounge.

“Yes. The literature club asked me to stop by before I left to ask something about their current read, so I stayed a little longer. You’re done for the day?”

“Yes, I just finished English in the graduating class. I’m happy to hear how you got yourself involved into the school life. I just hope it doesn’t get too much with your studies.”

Kaito smiled tiredly. “It can get busy sometimes, but I love teaching, so it really doesn’t feel like working.”

“Well then,” Ms. Miller smiled before she left, “have a nice evening.”

“You, too.”

Kaito sat down in the teacher’s longue for a moment to look through his post. A few students had handed their overdue essays in. Another one had accidentally posted him his mother’s consent form for the upcoming excursion. Kaito placed it on the desk of the boy’s homeroom teacher and turned towards the small note that was left in his hand.

It had been folded in half, no name written on the top. Kaito opened it up and read.

‘Please, meet me outside at the incinerator after 8th period. I need to talk to you in privacy.’

For a second, Kaito reckoned if Haruki had written that note. It would have been kind of cute, but Kaito knew Haruki was intelligent enough to know that meeting at the school was not only stupid, but also dangerous for them. Further, it wasn’t his hand-writing that Kaito would recognize amongst hundreds.

The message seemed a little fishy to him, but Kaito packed his back to walk by the incinerators nonetheless. Maybe it was a student with serious problems and they wanted to ask him for help. And if it was just a joke, it would be fine as well.

The incinerators were located behind the school. It was a relatively deserted place and Kaito understood why the writer had chosen it. The students only came here after class to burn the trash they picked up after cleaning the classroom at the end of the day.

It wasn’t deserted, however, when Kaito walked around the corner.

“Liliana?” he asked in surprise to see the girl there.

“Oh, Mr. Asahi. I thought you wouldn’t come.”

Kaito put his bag down and approached her. “What can I help you with?”

Liana seemed to be nervous, lacking the confidence she carried around in class. Playing nervously with a strand of her light brown hair, she bit on her lips, trying to think about that to say. Since he had gotten closer to Haruki, the range of his colour vision had expended by a large degree. As long as Haruki was somewhere on the school grounds, Kaito was able to see the whole premises in colours. That way, he could also make out the strong blush on her cheeks.

“I… I want you to kiss me,” she finally whispered.

“Excuse me?” Kaito was sure he had misheard.

“I want you to kiss me,” Liliana repeated a little more desperate now.

“Why?”

“Because… because I have fallen in love with you, Mr. Asahi.”

She took a step forward.

“Liliana, please. I’m not your soulmate. I’m your teacher-” he started, but she stopped him right away.

“But you don’t mind it when it’s HIM!” her voice cracked in distress.

“Who?”

“That emo-nerd!”

“Excuse me?”

“That Watanabe boy!” she shrieked.

“What has this to do with him?” Kaito asked, his heart pounding nervously.

“I saw you. With him. Saturday night.”

Damn. Despite his nerves being wrecked, Kaito was really glad now he had withstand the urge to hold Haruki’s hand in public.

“Yes, I was walking him home that night. That’s correct and nothing forbidden.”

“But you didn’t look at all like you were just student and teacher. And why did you walk him home at that time of the night anyways?”

Ignoring her first remark, Kaito tried to concentrate and calm her down. “This should be nothing of your concern, but I walked him home because we overrun our tutoring time.”

“You tutor him?”

“I do.”

“But that’s prohibited. You’re not allowed to do that. He’s getting a benefit. I bet you give him better grades, too!”

The longer she talked, the more Liliana became hysterical.

“I’m tutoring him for his university entrance exam. It’s not forbidden. The school knows about this. And I can’t play favourites during an exam, because all of my tests are looked over by a colleague, since I’m only an assistant teacher.”

“But they surely don’t know that you’re teaching him at your house! That’s totally inappropriate.”

Liliana was right. The school didn’t. But she didn’t need to know.

“Liliana, what are you trying to do here? Black mail me into kissing you? What do you get from one meaningless kiss?”

“It’s not meaningless,” she began to cry, “I did some research and there are people who say that if you kiss someone who is not your soulmate, you can change fate if you only love them deeply enough.”

“And you believe those rumours?”

“They aren’t rumours. That’s true!”

“Liliana…”

Kaito felt honestly a little sorry for the girl. She really seemed to be in love with him, although she didn’t stand a chance.

“Don’t look at me like that. I know what you’re thinking. But I know it’s true, so please! Please! Just one kiss!”

“Liliana, please…”

“One kiss! Or I’ll tell everyone that you’re tutoring Watanabe. Even if the director knows, what will your students think of you? No one will believe you that you’re not favouring him.”

He hated to admit, but Liliana was right. His students wouldn’t be too happy to hear that he was giving private lessons to one of them, no matter of their true nature. He tried to think of ways to convince Liliana to give in, but the sobbing girl had such a desperation in her eyes, Kaito knew it was useless.

“One kiss,” he said, “one kiss and if nothing happens, you’re not going to tell anyone, alright?”

“Really?” A glimpse of hope lightened her eyes.

“Promise me!”

“I do. I promise, I won’t tell.”

“Alright.”

Kaito took step towards her. Cautiously, he cupped her cheeks in his hands and brought her face close to his. He felt horrible when their lips touched for a mere second, but he consoled himself by thinking that this was the only way to save Haruki from his classmates.

He drew back and looked at Liliana.

“So?”

For a while nothing happened and Kaito feared that something about that rumour could have been true. He couldn’t tell. His world has been in colours since the moment he had stepped out of his car this morning.

Slowly, Liliana’s eyes filled with more tears and she began crying heartbreakingly.

“I’m sorry…” Kaito whispered, although he wasn’t sorry at all.

He tried to reach out for her shoulder, but the girl brushed him off and ran away.

Rubbing his temples, Kaito sighed. He had heard about such scenes in kitschy books, but he had never believed to have something like that happen to him. He only hoped that Liliana would keep her promise and leave him alone from now on.

He went and got his bag when he suddenly noticed a figure standing right in front of him. Liliana couldn’t have possibly seen him since she had took the path around the other half of the school, but Kaito saw him clearly. Two trash bags had fallen out of his hand and spilled a few of its contents. Yet the trash didn’t concern Kaito but the expression of pure shock on Haruki’s face.


	22. Rosé

Haruki’s heart was pounding up to his throat. There was a lump inside that made it hard to swallow. His stomach was rumbling like he could throw up any second. His chest was tight and some black hole behind his ribs was soaking his lungs into a void. Only once, he had felt that overwhelming sensation of his life gliding out of his own hands.

He had only come down here on his own to throw away the trash bags as his final task of cleaning duty before he returned home. No way had he expected to meet someone at the incinerators and especially not Mr. Asahi. He had recognized his back from afar. At first a smile had appeared on his lips, grateful for the small opportunity to meet him far away from the noise of the school. Yet he wasn’t alone. Liliana’s shrill voice echoed from the brick walls of the school and made him stop instantly. He tried to drag his mind way, to stop himself for overhearing what definitely was a private conversation, but his feet were frozen to the ground. Not only his feet, though, his whole body had turned into block of ice, his heart too shocked to pump the blood through his veins.

So there he was standing, listening to most of their conversation, desperately wishing to step between them and tell his classmate to get way from HIS teacher. But that would be stupid and cause them only more troubles. Still, every word coming from Liliana, every attempt she made on persuading Mr. Asahi to kiss her was a dagger in his back. Maybe a little bit because he felt sorry for her, but mostly because he feared that her words would come true. The thought that she could take Mr. Asahi away from him tightened the rope around his neck, forcing him to hold his breath. Especially when the teacher bend down to kiss her.

Why wouldn’t Haruki’s body listen to him? He didn’t want to see them kiss. He didn’t want to see the colours fade away. With the greatest force, he pressed his lids shut, praying to some higher force not to take Mr. Asahi away. They didn’t know each other for a long time and there was so much more to learn about each other, but Haruki knew that Liliana could never love Mr. Asahi like he did. Not because fate had brought them together, but because he would never force his feelings onto his teacher. He wanted Mr. Asahi to love him for himself and not some stupid colours telling him who he should like.

For a moment, his world was standing still and he heard only the deafening pounds of his heartbeat like the tick of a clock. Then, everything was silent before loud wails broke through the quiet and Haruki opened his eyes again. A huge weight fell of his chest when the world around him was still in colour. From his position he could see Liliana run away from Mr. Asahi. This would be the perfect time to leave as well, but his feet still didn’t want to move.

Haruki didn’t want Mr. Asahi to see him. He didn’t want him to know that he had overheard that conversation. He didn’t want to be perceived as someone jealous and possessive, especially since they were simply teacher and student officially. Yet his body still wouldn’t listen to him, so he was forced to watch his teacher turn around and their eyes locked for a moment.

“Haruki?” Mr. Asahi whispered.

As if this had been Haruki’s starting signal, his body finally began to move again and carried him right back to the school, trash bags forgotten on the ground. Quickly, but not fast enough to attract any attention from the hordes of students that left the school on their way home, he walked up the stairs to his empty classroom. He closed the door behind himself in order not to invite someone snooping inside and fell into his chair.

Why couldn’t things be just easy for him for once? Why did another drama hide behind every corner? This problem was solved, hopefully, but there were surely new things coming up soon enough and Haruki had no idea if he was strong enough to fight them all. Surly, every second with Mr. Asahi was worth it, but would he be able to withstand all adversities without breaking?

“Haruki?” a soft voice made him look away from the window.

Mr. Asahi was standing at the door, looking at him with a mix of fear and guilt. “May I come in?”

It was unnecessary for him to ask since this wasn’t Haruki’s personal room, but he appreciated it nonetheless. Haruki nodded yet immediately turned his gaze down. He heard how Mr. Asahi closed and locked the door, probably to ensure them some privacy. Cautiously, the teacher walked closer, every step audible with a clack on the plain ground. He stopped somewhere close to Haruki.

For quite some time, none of them dared to say a word, but Haruki was relieved when Mr. Asahi did.

“Are you mad at me?”

“Why?”

“For kissing her.”

Haruki reckoned for a second. Was he mad at Mr. Asahi for kissing her? No. That wasn’t really what was bothering him.

“Then because I gave in to her I promise? I just wanted…” Mr. Asahi tried to explain, but Haruki interrupted him.

“That’s not it either.”

“Then why did you run away from me instead of letting me explain everything to you?”

“There was no need to explain. I heard enough to understand that you only did that to make sure she wouldn’t spread our tutoring sessions around. That would have put us both in the crossfire and we even might have to stop seeing outside of school. You did the only right thing.”

Mr. Asahi took in a deep breath as if having this conversation was as uncomfortable for him as it was for Haruki.

“But why do I got the feeling that there is something bothering you that you won’t tell me. Please, Haruki, talk to me.”

Taking a deep sigh, Haruki listened to his inner voice, trying to make out what had upset him so much.

“It’s not the kiss itself,” he started whispering, “It was necessary and I believe that you wouldn’t have done it if you had been able to find another solution. Though I guess I’m not even in the position to be mad about you kissing other people.”

The words had come out of his mouth on their own, but Haruki suddenly felt his chest tighten as he began to understand his own reaction.

“Maybe it’s exactly that. Maybe I’m upset about not feeling like I’m allowed to be mad about something like this. Because it did hurt to see you with her, even though I knew there was nothing about it. I hate that we’re not allowed to be more than teacher and student at the moment. I hate that I have to act like there isn’t something between us. And I hate that you kissed her even before you kissed me,” he blurted out.

His words caught Haruki off guard. They were all true, he simply hadn’t known that he felt this way. Mr. Asahi certainly had to be as surprised as him, because he didn’t say a thing. Cautiously, Haruki lifted his gaze and met his teacher’s eyes that looked at him in utter shock.

“I’m sorry,” he instantly started to mumble, “that was inappropriate and I shouldn’t have…”

“No!” Now it was Mr. Asahi’s time to interrupt him. “Well, maybe yes. But I don’t mind it. I was just a bit… overtaken.” He took a step closer and reached his hand over the desk to cup Haruki’s cheek.

“Is this all that bothered you? That I kissed her before I kissed you?”

Despite feeling incredibly embarrassed, Haruki nodded.

“If I had known that you wanted to kiss me, I would have done so a lot earlier,” the teacher whispered.

“Then why don’t you do it now,” Haruki asked, his eyes half-lidded.

The afternoon sun, warmly announcing early spring shone through the curtains and lighted up the blond strands of Mr. Asahi’s hair. Another ray hit his glasses, making his eyes sparkle more than usual.

“Is this what you want?” Mr. Asahi asked.

“Yes.”

As time was ticking half as fast, Mr. Asahi bend forwards while guiding Haruki’s face upwards as well. There was a moment just before their lips touched when Haruki could feel Mr. Asahi’s breath on them. His heartbeat stopped and only started to pound again when his teacher finally overcame the last inches and kissed him.

It was Haruki’s first kiss, so he couldn’t tell from experience, but this was probably the best first kiss one could have. Warmth flooded his body and thousands of small butterflies broke loose in his stomach, making his body vibrate with every stroke of their wings. Mr. Asahi’s hand on his cheek was warm and the only thing that kept him from melting.

Their kiss had been way too short and when they parted, Haruki felt the urge to pull Mr. Asahi close again.

“You okay?” Mr. Asahi asked him when Haruki hadn’t said anything for a while.

The student was only able to nod as that kiss had blown away his ability to form coherent sentences.

“Come here,” the teacher whispered, took Haruki’s hand and pulled him up from his chair, wrapping his arms around him tightly.

So close to Mr. Asahi’s chest, Haruki could hear his teacher’s heartbeat that was irregularity quick, but magically in synch with his own. Haruki returned the hug, pulling himself even close to Mr. Asahi. His teacher’s breath tingled on his forehead as he buried his nose into Haruki’s hair. The student knew he had to let go sometime soon, despite wishing that this moment could last longer, even just for a bit.

“I don’t want to go home,” he whispered.

“I don’t want you to go either.”

Haruki cuddled up even closer to Mr. Asahi who also wrapped his arms around him a little tighter.

Mr. Asahi’s voice sounded dry when he asked “You’re mother is not working by any chance?”

“It’s her free day today,” Haruki answered, disappointed himself, because he had understood quite well what Mr. Asahi had intended with his question.

“I see.”

Slowly, Mr. Asahi let go off Haruki, yet not without cupping his cheeks again, gently caressing it with his thumb. Then he turned away and Haruki feared that he would leave without another word, but his teacher simply got something out of his bag and returned to Haruki. He unlocked the phone in his hands and handed it to the student.

“Give me your number. I mean... if you want to… You could… call me tonight and we could talk a bit more.”

With big eyes Haruki looked up to him. This wasn’t what he had predicted his teacher to do.

“Are you sure?”

“I really don’t want to let you go right now, but I know I need to. But that doesn’t mean we can’t talk, does it? It’s not the same as having you to come over, but it’s better than nothing.”

If Haruki’s heart wasn’t already overflowing with that warm and sweet sensation of happiness, it would burst now for sure. Quickly, he took Mr. Asahi’s phone and typed in his number.

“I’ll text you later so you have my number as well.”

He put his phone away and pulled Haruki close for one last time.

“I guess it’s best if I leave first. My colleagues believe I went home hours ago.” He placed another kiss on Haruki’s forehead and his nose, before eventually letting go of him. “I’ll be waiting for your call,” he said before he unlocked the classroom and left.

Haruki had probably never wolfed down his dinner so fast. He just wanted to get back to his room to call Mr. Asahi. It still felt incredibly unreal that he had his number. He could text him whenever he wanted to.

“Hey,” the deep and soft voice of his teacher answered after just a few rings.

Haruki lay down on his bed, his favourite dragon plushie Pancakes resting on his chest to support him.

“Hey,” he answered, suddenly incredibly nervous.

“Already done with your homework?”

“You’re such a teacher,” Haruki joked, feeling the uncomfortable tingling in his chest subside and the warm sensation from earlier return. “I did them as soon as I got home.”

“Well done.”

“What would have happened if I hadn’t?”

“I guess I would have been obliged to end the call and make sure you’ve done them first. I can’t allow you to let your studies slide.”

Haruki laughed.

“Hey, get down! I know it’s him, but he’s not coming over tonight. I’m sorry.”

“Um?” Haruki was confused.

“Sorry. Archer jumped onto me when he heard your voice. He’s pretty mad at me. I assume he smelled you on me and thought you’d be with me. You should have seen how disappointed he was when you didn’t come up the stairs.”

“Oh no,” Haruki laughed, feeling actually a little guilty. “Tell him it’s only five more days.”

“You heard him?” Mr. Asahi talked to his dog. “Yes, I know that’s too long, but it’s not like I can do anything about it. Didn’t help much, but thanks for your effort,” he directed his last words to Haruki again.

They continued to talk for hours. Mr. Asahi told Haruki about his hometown so vividly that the student could easily close his eyes and imagine to be in the French city, sitting in the small café that belonged to Mr. Asahi’s family. Haruki loved the way he pronounced all the shops and places names with that lovely French accent. He told his teacher who laughed.

“If I had known that French could sound so beautiful, I would have studied it earlier. Takeshi didn’t really make a good job at promoting it.”

He told Mr. Asahi the story of how he had gotten to learn about the language.

“I kept on stealing his school books, so I could listen to the stories and read them at the same time. He really wasn’t happy about having to get his book back from my room every single time. And then he had to come over a second time to get the disc with the audio exercises.”

It was when Mr. Asahi talked about one of the lectures he had had in the first semester at university, when Haruki’s eye started to fall shut. It was surely after 10 pm and after the events of the day he was really tired, but he really didn’t want to end the call.

“Haruki? Are you still there?”

“Hmmm…”

“Are you falling asleep?”

“No…”

“Sure,” Mr. Asahi laughed.

“Really…”

“It’s okay, I’ll stay with you until you’re sleeping.”


	23. Burgundy

„Please, come in, Mr. Asahi. Haruki! You’re teacher’s here.” The voice of Haruki’s mother resonated through the hallway and up the stairs where Haruki had been waiting nervously for the doorbell to ring.

“Thank you, Mrs. Watanabe. These are for you,” Mr. Asahi’s warm voice followed hers, causing Haruki’s heart to jump.

While he had become quite used to being around his teacher, this situation was completely new and pretty nerve-wracking. He had no idea when his mother had come up with the idea to invite his teacher over for dinner. Despite his reassurance that this wasn’t necessary, his mother had insisted on it. Mr. Asahi had been surprised but flattered as well, so he had accepted the invitation

“Oh, wild tiger lilies. Those are my favourite. Thank you so much, they are beautiful. Takeshi can you fetch me the vase from the upper cupboard, please?”

Mr. Asahi was just getting out of his coat when Haruki walked down the stairs. His teacher looked exceptionally good today. He was wearing a neat, dark grey pullover with a turquoise blue shirt underneath. His pants were coloured in a lighter grey that matched the rest of his outfit. His hair was slicked back slightly which was a totally new look that Haruki hadn’t seen on him so far.

“Hey,” Haruki whispered, unable to hide the broad smile that slipped on his face whenever Mr. Asahi was around him.

The teacher turned to the side and a similarly happy smile added up to his perfect appearance. “Hey.”

Haruki’s hands trembled with the urge to overcome the last steps that separated him from Mr. Asahi and finally fall into his arms like he had been desperate to do since Monday, but the knowledge of his family being right next door stopped him.

“Um… Please come inside, I’ll introduce you,” he guided Mr. Asahi deeper into the house.

Takeshi and Cornelius were already waiting for them in the living room. They turned around when Haruki and Mr. Asahi stepped inside.

“This is my older brother,” Haruki pointed to his brother.

“Kaito Asahi. Nice to meet you,” Mr. Asahi said and shook Takeshi’s hand.

“Takeshi Watanabe.”

“And this is his partner Cornelius.”

“Cornelius Hale, my pleasure,” the shorter man also shook Mr. Asahi’s hand, not without examining him critically.

“Now enough with the formalities. Please sit down, you must be really hungry,” Haruki’s mother called them to the table where a large table grill has been pre-heating for a while. “I hope you’re fine with Yakiniku. Haruki didn’t know if there was anything you didn’t eat, so Takeshi thought it was for the best to choose something where there’s something for everyone.”

“Oh I eat everything besides carrots,” Mr. Asahi laughed, “but I haven’t had Yakiniku in years, so I’m really looking forward to eating it again.”

When all the small pots with different kinds of meat, vegetable and rice found their way to the table, they all sat down and Takeshi began to place the first pieces of meat onto the hot plate.

“May I ask what I did to deserve such a lovely invitation,” Mr Asahi asked when Haruki’s mother handed him a bowl of rice.

Takeshi darted a look over to the teacher that Haruki could only read as ‘because I’m still not sure what to think about you.’

“You tutor my son every weekend in your free time for his university entrance examination without taking money for it. This is the least I can do to thank you,” Keiko answered instead.

“Isn’t it uncommon to tutor a for free? I mean Haruki told me you’re still an assistance teacher. The extra money would surely come in handy,” Takeshi had to remark which caused Haruki to send a killing glance over the table.

Mr. Asahi, however, didn’t let Takeshi provoke him. “It sure would, but since this isn’t private tutoring but an extension of my duties as a teacher, I’m not allowed to take money.”

“Must be pretty bothering to come to school on a free day, especially since you still have university courses to attend,” Haruki’s brother pressed further.

“Oh, we don’t meet at school. It would be locked and I wouldn’t be allowed to bring my dog. Since I took the job I can’t attend to him as much as I would like to. And he really has a thing for Haruki so it’s a lot more comfortable to meet at my apartment.”

“You meet in your apartment?” Takeshi asked, his voice a notch harder than before. His brows darted up and he looked like he was about to jump over the table and kill Mr. Asahi with the chopsticks in his hand.

“Didn’t Haruki tell you?”

“Seems like he forgot to mention.”

“Takeshi, it’s fine,” Haruki hissed.

His brother didn’t seem to agree, but Cornelius stopped him from attacking the teacher further.

“Where from France do you come from?” he asked and Haruki was thankful that he had changed the topic.

“Rouen.”

“Oh really? It’s a lovely city. We’ve been there when we travelled through France one summer. I remember my mother obsessing over the story and the sites of Joan of Arc.”

Mr. Asahi smiled softly, yet not without a hint of sadness. “Yes, it’s really beautiful. I hope I can go back there and visit my family soon.”

“What made you study abroad,” Haruki’s mother asked.

“I always wanted to teach and French was among the things I could do best. I didn’t feel like teaching it to native speakers would do much of a difference. I’d rather help students in a different country who could profit a lot from someone who grew up with it. I was raised bilingually so I applied at different universities and ended up coming here.”

“Must be hard to live so far from home.”

“It was at first, but I video chat with my mother nearly every week, so I don’t lose touch with my family. And my students show me every day that I made the right decision, especially when they’re as amazing as Haruki.”

Haruki blushed so hard he was about to let his chopsticks fall down. He gulped and averted his gaze which earned him a suspicious look from Cornelius. At least, Takeshi didn’t seem to have noticed.

They continued to eat and in general, the atmosphere was really nice except for the other few times when Takeshi started to question Mr. Asahi again. His mother and Cornelius, however, were a lot more friendly and welcoming towards the teacher and Haruki was relieved that not everyone seemed to hate his secret soulmate. Only every now and then, Cornelius darted a suspicious gaze towards them, but Haruki tried to calm himself into thinking that he was just overanalysing again.

Overall, he reckoned that he and Mr. Asahi did a good job hiding their relationship. They resisted every urge to secretly touch underneath the table and Haruki avoided to look into Mr. Asahi’s eyes too often, because he wouldn’t be able to control his expression. There was only one time, when he handed Mr. Asahi a bowl of meat and their fingers touched that he nearly let the bowl fall down. Yet his teacher had reacted quickly and saved him from any embarrassment.

“Thank you very much, Mrs. Watanabe, but I’m afraid I have to take my leave now. My dog’s surely waiting for his evening walk,” Mr. Asahi said after they had finished eating and Keiko had offered him a cup of coffee.

“Sure. Thank you very much for joining us. I’m happy that Haruki has such a nice teacher to take care of him.”

The beam that radiated from Mr. Asahi’s smile would have been able to light a dark room.

“Thank you very much for the invitation. It was my pleasure to meet you.”

Mr. Asahi got up and said goodbye to Takeshi and Cornelius before he turned to leave the living room.

“I’ll show him out,” Haruki jumped up immediately and accompanied his teacher to the hallway where he put on his coat and shoes.

“You really have a nice family. I’m glad that you have people looking out for you,” he whispered when they were alone.

“I’m sorry for Takeshi attacking you all the time. He only means well, but it was totally out of place.”

“Don’t worry, he only wants to protect you. I’ll be fine.” For the shortest second, he reached out for Haruki’s hand and caressed the back of it with his long fingers. Then he stood up again and said with a louder voice.

“Thank you very much, Haruki. We’ll see each other on Tuesday.”

“Goodbye, Mr. Asahi.”

The teacher was about to leave when suddenly Takeshi hurried over from the living room.

“One second,” he stopped Mr. Asahi and walked up closely to him. He bend forwards and whispered into his ear, yet loud enough for Haruki to hear. “I’m very thankful for what you’re doing for my brother, but if you do anything to him, I swear I’ll make sure you’ll never be able to walk into a school again.”

He drew back before Mr. Asahi could answer anything and said “I hope you have a nice weekend.”

Then he vanished as fast as he had appeared.

Mr. Asahi took a deep breath, but smiled at Haruki to signalise him that everything was fine before he left.

“What the hell was that?” Haruki shouted when he followed his brother back into the living room. “Why did you threaten him?”

“I didn’t threaten him, I just told him to keep his hands to himself.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I don’t trust him.”

“But I do. Isn’t that enough?”

“You…” he started, but Keiko interrupted them before their fight could get out of hand.

“Takeshi, would you please help me for a second?”

Takeshi mumbled something but obliged his mother and joined her in the kitchen

The second Takeshi was out of sight, Cornelius walked up to Haruki and whispered, “We need to talk,” before taking the stairs to the upper floor and disappeared in Takeshi’s old room.

Haruki gulped. So his feeling that Cornelius had noticed something had been right the whole time. Hesitating for a moment, he followed him up and closed the door behind himself. Cornelius was standing at the window, looking outside, so Haruki sat down on the bed.

“I won’t beat about to bush so I’ll ask you right away: He’s your soulmate, isn’t he?”

Haruki’s heart sank into his stomach. How on earth had he found out so quickly? Had they been too obvious? Had Haruki said anything that bespoke them? He suddenly felt sick from the heaviness in his belly and his throat tightened with every breath.

Prolonging his answer, Haruki tried to find a way out of this. Cornelius would notice any slip, any hesitation. His job and his family had trained him for such situations. For a moment, he even thought about lying, but this wouldn’t be like him and Cornelius would find out anyways.

“Yes,” he mumbled, “but how did you find out?”

“There were a few things, actually. First there’s he turquoise shirt he wore today. I noticed it right away. People who haven’t met their soulmate yet tend to buy clothing or furniture with their soulmate’s colour so the world isn’t only black and white anymore. I own a similar shirt, too. I thought it was a coincidence, but then I looked at his eyes and it was just so clear. His eyes are as grey as the sky on a rainy day. Someone who has lost all colour vision from one second to the next would never notice the slight difference from the other shades. No wonder you believed him to be dead.

Do you remember the talk we had on the first day of the school year after Takeshi and I had to pick you up from the infirmary? You wanted to know how I felt when I met Takeshi for the first time. I was pretty surprised back then. You never asked something like that before. You were never interested in the shenanigans of a soul bond. I knew something must have changed or you wouldn’t have asked out for blue.”

Cornelius paused and Haruki was really dumbfounded at how attentive he was to such minor details.

“He also mentioned that his dog adored you from the day he met you. Animals are a lot more sensitive to soul bonds than humans. They know that someone is your destined partner even before the actual bond is formed. Hecate loved your brother from the moment she saw him. Maybe her enthusiasm is the reason why he never goes out riding with me.”

A soft smile appeared on his lips before he continued.

“Oh, and then there are those looks you throw at each other when you think no one notices. They’re not too obvious, but since I already was sceptical they were the final clue. I’ve never seen you look at someone like you look at him and he… He puts on the softest expression when you’re next to him.”

Haruki shouldn’t be so happy about this, but Cornelius’s last words made him smile. Yet Cornelius stern expression made him pull his head in again like a turtle. He took a deep breath to start what would most likely be a bollocking when suddenly the door opened and Takeshi stepped inside.

“Hey, what are you two doing in here.” He looked from Cornelius to Haruki and back. “What’s wrong?”

“Takeshi, please don’t freak out,” Cornelius started with a deep sigh. He took Takeshi’s hand and guided him inside so he was able to close the door again. “Do you want to tell him or should I?” he asked Haruki.

“Guys, you’re making me nervous.”

Haruki swallowed hard. He had never wanted his brother to find out so soon. Yet it was only right for him to tell Takeshi himself.

“Takeshi… Mr. Asahi… He’s… He’s my soulmate.”

Whilst the silence in the room was defending, the change in Takeshi’s expression was priceless. From hopeful that this was a joke, to shocked to confused and finally full-out rage.

“What the fuck? Why didn’t you tell me! I would never have allowed you to… And you let him come to our house…” He started to freak out, but Cornelius grabbed his shoulders and forced him to look into his mate’s face.

“You take a deep breath and shut your mouth until you calm down. You can’t have a proper conversation in such an emotional state.”

Takeshi looked like he wanted to object, but a strict gaze from Cornelius made him obey.

“So,” the man sighed and turned to Haruki again, “What were you thinking to continue, even start that… relationship? And don’t tell me there is none. Have you even once thought about the consequences? Has he never thought about the consequences? He could lose his job. You could be expelled. He might even face a trial for sexual harassment of charges. And no, it doesn’t matter that you’re not a minor. He’s your teacher and therefore in a supervisory relationship with you. What if someone found out? Even if nothing has happened between you, it would be hard to believe you. It would have been his duty to report this incident to the school board immediately.”

Now Haruki felt like he was about to cry.

“He’s good to me. And very kind. And he has never done anything that I didn’t want.”

“So that f**** did touch you,” Takeshi growled and was about to bang up, but Cornelius held him back.

“Takeshi, no!” He massaged his temples.

“Don’t get me wrong Haruki. I’m really happy for you that you found your soulmate and he really seems to be a good guy, but I don’t know what I would think about this. I still don’t think this is right.”

Haruki felt like he could vomit any second. He knew Cornelius only meant well, but if he told the school board or even Mr. Asahi’s supervisor, everything would be over. Mr. Asahi’s career would end before it even started and they were probably prohibited to meet until the case was cleared. He couldn’t lose him. Not now. Now that they finally found a way to communicate, a way to be together. For the first time in years, Haruki felt like his life wasn’t a complete mess. Mr. Asahi had lightened up his world and finally there was something he was looking forward to. That he was excited about. That didn’t make him feel like nothing mattered anyways.

“Please,” he pressed through his lips. “Please…”

His fingers began shaking and Haruki could feel how his stomach cramped. He looked up to Cornelius, hoping that his brother’s mate would see how much Mr. Asahi meant to him.

Cornelius looked at him for a while, then to Takeshi and back to Haruki.

“He’s already bonded to him way too much,” he mumbled after a while.

“You think so?”

“Yeah.”

“So there’s nothing we can do?” Takeshi whispered back.

“Not if you want him to go through withdrawal and I assume that’s the last thing you want for him. You know better than most people what it can do to you.”

Takeshi said nothing for a while. Haruki was confused. He had no idea what they were talking about. He only hoped it meant something good.

“It’s okay, Kiki. We won’t do anything,” he finally mumbled with a deep sigh.

“Re-Really?”

Of course, Haruki was relieved that both and Takeshi and Cornelius had easily changed their minds, although he was a bit suspicious about their reasons. What did they mean by ‘bonded to him too much’? What withdrawal symptoms were they talking about? He thought about asking, but somehow this didn’t seem to be the right time to do so. Not that he accidentally made them change their minds again.

“Yes,” Cornelius affirmed Takeshi’s words. “But let me say this: We just worry about you. I can see that you trust and like Mr. Asahi and therefore we have to trust him, too. Just… please, make sure you’ll be cautious from now on. I know it’s hard to hold back when you finally meet your soulmate, but there’s also so much to lose for the both of you. We really don’t want you to get hurt, because of some stupid mistake. Just a few more months and you can do whatever you want. Then you can get to know each other as equals and you can decide if he really is who you want. So, please, just try to hold back a little.”


	24. Teal

After a night of contemplation, Haruki had decided to tell Mr. Asahi that Takeshi and Cornelius knew about them being soulmates. He had been quite hesitant, but the fear that Takeshi might show up at the school to castrate his teacher had caused him to warn Mr. Asahi beforehand. His teacher had reacted quite calmly if one could even tell from a text message. He had told Haruki that he shouldn’t worry and that everything would be fine and that they would surely hold on to their promise not to do anything that might expose them.

And so far, they had kept their promise. Days turned into weeks and before Haruki knew it was already the end of March. With only one and a half month left before his entrance exam and two months before his final exam, Haruki decided that it was time to start his exam preparation. Creating his study plan had been more fun than he would ever admit to anyone. Just the implementation worried him a bit. He would have a lot less time for video games and watching anime than he would have liked to, yet by recording every episode he would miss, he had at least something to look forward to. And there were still the Saturday afternoons that helped him to relax although it was still practically studying. With Mr. Asahi around, studying didn’t feel like work. Resting on the sofa with his teacher, Archer curled up at his side was probably more a lazy afternoon than a tutoring session, but since they talked French most of the time it counted as one.

Even if they were not with each other, Mr. Asahi made sure that Haruki made enough study breaks. Haruki didn’t remember how it started, but they had developed a sort of ritual. Whenever he started with his daily study plan, he texted Mr. Asahi a picture of what he would cover that day. A few hours later, Mr. Asahi would text him back, either a picture of Archer, the lecture he was preparing for the younger students or just a friendly reminder to drink a glass of water and let in some fresh air. One time, he had even sent Haruki a picture of him working out, which had totally failed its motivating effect. Instead, Haruki had had to cool his heated face down with a few splashes of icy water before continuing to study.

Exchanging text messages and pictures on a daily basis, surely wasn’t what Cornelius understood by ‘holding back’. But Haruki do hell and tell him. Instead he was looking forward to the following Saturday even more. For today, they had planned to do something relaxing since they had worked really hard on the listening and reading part the past few weeks. Also, the last French exam was coming up soon and Haruki would have to write a short essay there anyways so they had done enough practice as homework.

His bags filled with his favourite snacks and wearing jogging pants, Haruki was ready for another French movie night. Mr. Asahi had chosen two music films for the night and further had promised to drive Haruki home, so they could spent more time together. Taking two steps at once, Haruki ran up the stairs. When he was close to Mr. Asahi’s apartment, however, he didn’t hear the joyful bark of Archer, but two loud voices fighting.

“I never said that I had a girlfriend.”

“But you have someone!” a woman’s voice reached through the door.

“Aurora, please… It’s more complicated than that.”

So it was Mr. Asahi’s friend Aurora who that voice belonged to. Haruki was reminded of the evening when she had constantly tried to reach Mr. Asahi who had calmly slept next to his student.

“But obviously serious enough to ignore me!”

“I didn’t ignore you.”

“What else would you call that? You didn’t answer my messages? You hung up when I called you? What is so wrong about me trying to spent time with you?”

“Nothing. But you tend to forget that I’m still a university student while teaching nearly full-time. I don’t have as much free time as you do.”

“Which you rather spend with THEM instead of me.”

Mr. Asahi didn’t reply to that.

“See. I knew you had someone.”

“Why does it bother you that much? I thought we made it clear in the beginning that this thing between us was just something casual.”

Now it was Aurora’s turn not to answer. Haruki had by now reached to last landing, but didn’t dare to ring the bell. He didn’t want to interrupt them and maybe he was also curious about the content of their conversation.

“So it is like that,” Mr. Asahi said, hardly audible to Haruki since he had lowered his voice. “You know I got that feeling a while ago that you wanted something more. Maybe I really ignored you, because I didn’t want you to get your hopes up.”

“But what is so much better about them? I thought we got along perfectly. And we really have a great chemistry in bed. What is it about them that you like more than me?”

“Please, Aurora. Don’t do this to yourself. Yes, I like you. But… I can’t explain it. You’re just not them. There is nothing wrong with you. You’re a beautiful and gentle woman. But they… They are different. I’ve never felt like that before. I’m sorry.”

“You’re acting like their your soulmate. But believe me, Kaito, you have such high standards, even if they were you’re destined person, you’ll get tired of them just like you lost interested in anybody before them. You… What the hell?”

Haruki wondered what might have interrupted Aurora. Instinctively, he took a step back. The tippy-toeing of tiny feet was audible, followed by a happy bark. Oh no. Archer must have caught Haruki’s scent. Yet to the dog’s dismay, it wasn’t Haruki who was talking to Mr. Asahi, but Aurora. The soft and excited sound changed into a growl.

“What is wrong with that dog of yours?” Aurora shrieked.

“I’m sorry, I told him to lay down in the bedroom when you came over, but he must have smelled… Oh god, no,” Mr. Asahi sighed and just a second later the door was opened.

The way he looked down at Haruki made the boy feel caught. He probably should have left when he had been able to and let them talk in privacy.

“Um good afternoon, M…” he stumbled, but a pair of raised eyebrows urged him to stay silent. They had just enough time to exchange a meaningful glance when a second later, a fluffy brown-white ball ran up to Haruki, happily wagging his tail as he rested his fore-paws on the student’s thighs.

“Hey, Archer,” Haruki fondled his ears to calm the dog down, “I missed you, too.”

“So that’s your latest plaything? You’re replacing me with a child?”

“Aurora, please,” Mr. Asahi turned towards her again.

“I never knew you had such dark desires, Kaito. He’s barely 18. He could be your student, but not even you would do such a thing to satisfy your needs.”

She walked past Mr. Asahi and faced Haruki. He was about as tall as him, but it felt like she looked down on him.

“Just wait for it. He might treat you all kind and gentle now. But when he’s sick of you like all the other people whom I have seen looking at him with those big round eyes like you do right now, he’ll be just as gentle, telling you that he doesn’t see more in you. And believe me, he’ll get sick of your weirdly pale skin and that boring face of yours as soon as he got what he wanted. Just don’t come crying to my bar and expect to have your broken heart mended. Because after all, the only person who was able to satisfy him for the longest time was me.”

She seemed like she was about to go on, but Mr. Asahi took Haruki’s hand and pulled him away from her.

“That’s enough Aurora. I understand that I hurt you, but I won’t allow you to insult my guest any longer. You’re not welcome here anymore and don’t contact me until you’re willing to apologize to him. Good night,” he said with a tone that didn’t allow any backtalk.

Without waiting for a reply, he closed the door right in front of her nose.

The next thing Haruki knew was that Mr. Asahi had pulled his arms around him and pressed him again his chest.

“I’m so sorry you had to hear all of this. She came over out of nowhere.”

Clawing his fingers into the back of Mr. Asahi’s shirt, Haruki snuggled up to him, taking in his calming scent. The teacher buried his nose in Haruki’s hair, took in a deep breath and placed a kiss on his head.

“I don’t know why she reacted this way. She’s usually not like that at all. But whatever might have happened with her in the past, I promise…”

“It’s okay,” Haruki mumbled, “I understand. You’ve had a life before you met me. There’s nothing wrong with living it. I would never have expected you to wait forever to meet your soulmate, not even knowing if you’d ever meet them.”

“What did I do to deserve you?” Mr. Asahi whispered as he drew back and cupped Haruki’s face in his hands. “You’re always so understanding while I just drag you into all those messes. You are so much more mature than people who are older than you. At first I was honestly a bit insecure about your age, but now I’ve come to…”

He stopped himself, leaving Haruki wondering what he had intented to say.

“I’m just so thankful that I have you,” he ended his sentence, before he bend down to place a soft kiss on Haruki’s lips.

“I hope you’re still in the mood for a movie night?”

“I’ve been looking forward to this all week,” Haruki smiled softly, “There’s no way I let somebody spoil this for me.”

Mr. Asahi returned the smile and they sat down on the couch together. Like the last time, Haruki was cuddled up in Mr. Asahi’s arm while Archer was resting his head on his legs, just in Haruki’s reach to caress him. His teacher was playing with Haruki’s hair or placing kissing on his temples every now and then while Haruki was feeding him snacks over his shoulder.

All in all, it was a comfortable evening and for a while, Mr. Asahi managed to make Haruki forget about Aurora’s words. But at some point his thoughts drifted back to her. He understood that he wasn’t in the position to judge his teacher for his life before he met Haruki and he wouldn’t. Still, it hurt a little to know that he had been intimate with her. He couldn’t help but image how the warm hands that caressed him now had caressed her body at some point. Mr. Asahi was so much more experienced than him and sometime in the future, he would realise that Haruki’s innocence was rather a hinderance than a cute trait. Would he even have the nerves to deal with Haruki’s lack of experience and his insecurities? Had Aurora been right that Mr. Asahi was hard to satisfy and easy to bore? Would he get bored with Haruki, too?

He tried not to let those thoughts get to close to him and rather focus on the warmth around him as well as the calm beat of Mr. Asahi’s heart. But not even Mr. Asahi’s whispered answer to Haruki’s remark of how beautiful one of the actresses was, that Haruki was way more beautiful than her, was able to wash away the bitter taste of the question if he would ever be enough for Mr. Asahi.


	25. Pink

„Good morning and welcome to your official last French exam”, Kaito greeted his class. “You all practised well and if you did your homework, there shouldn’t be anything new. You’ll have one and a half hours. I’ll write down how much time you have left on the blackboard about every thirty minutes. You may turn around the pages now and good luck.”

While his students started to read through the instructions and scribbled down on their sheets, Kaito sat down at his desk again. Watching over them as they tried their best wasn’t his favourite activity, but it was necessary in his job as a teacher. He knew how much his students hated exams, how some of them were afraid of them and he didn’t like them either. But that was how the education system worked.

Kaito’s eyes wondered over the class and stopped at Haruki. He furrowed his brows in concentration and tipped the top of his pencil against his lips. Kaito had seen this expression on him quite often by now, but he would never get tired of it. Haruki had told him that it made him nervous when Kaito watched him brooding over his exercises, but Kaito couldn’t help himself. Also, he was pretty sure that Haruki wouldn’t notice right now anyways. He was way too emerged into the exam to care about Kaito which allowed the teacher to put his full attention on him.

It felt kind of wrong, but Kaito had to admit how cute Haruki looked in his school uniform. The dark grey sweater wear made his light skin shine even brighter. Underneath the white dress shirt it appeared to look like porcelain. His skin was even. Except for the small birthmark right below his left eye it was completely blemish free. From afar one could believe he was a doll, yet Kaito knew how soft and full of life his skin felt below his fingers. He knew how warmth flooded the purple veins underneath the pale surface, giving it a slightly rosy shimmer whenever Kaito let his hands or lips rest on them. What kind of pink would colour Haruki’s cheeks if Kaito would loosen the short tie around his neck, opening up the first button of his collar. Kaito would probably be able to sense Haruki’s heartbeat pounding up to his throat if he let his lips wander over the revealed parts.

Haruki trembled in his arms – but it would be a good tremble, stemming from nervousness and embarrassment but also excitement. The same excitement that Kaito felt when his tongue followed the bend that connected Haruki’s neck and shoulder. From his ear down to his collarbone Kaito left a wet trace. Haruki increased the grip on his upper arms and let out a silent wail that hit some place deep inside Kaito.

He let his hands pull the dress shirt out of Haruki’s pants and slithered them between the fabric and the warm skin. Haruki shrieked as goose bumps spread over his body. He wrapped his arms tighter around Kaito’s neck, thereby pulling the teacher’s face even closer to the sensitive spots behind his ear. He blew a short breath over that one point that increased Haruki’s shivers before he licked over it. The boy’s hands were clawed into his hair and pulled at its strands whenever Kaito came close to the points that made him elicit those cute huffs and suppressed moans.

Kaito would have loved to see his face when he removed his hands from Haruki’s bare skin and slipped in between his sleeveless sweater and the dress shirt. While he continued to kiss and tease Haruki’s neck, he pulled up the sweater until he was able to lift it over Haruki’s head. The boy let go off him just long enough for Kaito to take it off before he hid his face in Kaito’s neck again.

“Hold on tight,” Kaito whispered before he lifted Haruki from his lap and carried him to his bed.

Gently, he let him down on the mattress, following him just moment later. Haruki’s body felt so small and delicate underneath him that Kaito only dared to kiss him with the greatest caution. Just when Haruki stopped trembling and started to relax, Kaito started to travel further down. His hands that had cupped Haruki’s cheeks wandered to hips, his thumb caressing over the few inches where his skin lay bare. This time he allowed Haruki to get used to the sensation of his fingers on his naked skin. He caressed him gently, but didn’t proceed further until the boy sighed into their kiss. Kaito moved his hand a little upward, pushing up the shirt, his hand resting on Haruki’s waist. Did he imagine it or was the skin there even softer? Gosh, Haruki was just so small, Kaito could surely reach around his waist with both of his hands.

After a while, their kisses deepened and stepped away from the gentleness and innocence they had been made of in the beginning. Encouraged by Haruki’s fingers that pulled at his shirt, Kaito drew back for a second, opened up the buttons of his waistcoat and threw it over his shoulders before he turned back towards Haruki. His cheeks were flushed beautifully, his lips slightly swollen from all their kisses. Kaito licked over his lips and began undoing the buttons of Haruki’s shirt. Kaito breathed kisses on every inch of perfect skin that was revealed by another open button. He continued that procedure until he hit Haruki’s belly button.

For a second he let his tongue dip inside before he brushed the opened shirt away, so he got to see more of Haruki’s beautiful body. Goose bumps covered every single inch. The way, Haruki bit on his lips as he followed Kaito’s hungry gaze made him look even more like a forbitten fruit. Did Haruki knew how much that innocent gesture riled Kaito up inside?

His tongue travelling upwards, Kaito felt something hardening against his chest and he smirked. He shifted his weight to press himself against Haruki’s lower body and the boy moaned while arching his back. Kaito used that opportunity and scooted upwards, biting into one of Haruki’s nipples. Another groan dripped from Haruki’s lips and Kaito wondered if his voice had ever sounded so stunning. He licked over the slightly reddened skin and repeated his acts on the other side. Haruki’s fingers had found their way into Kaito’s hair again, clawing onto them in dear life.

More and more, Kaito teased his student, eliciting the most beautiful sounds from him. After a while he began to move his body against Haruki’s. He couldn’t deny anymore that he was as hard as Haruki, so he wanted to show him. He grinded his crotch against Haruki’s, dwelling in the reaction he got.

“Mr. Asahi!” he moaned with a voice that travelled right into Kaito’s groin.

Motivated by his desperate chants, Kaito finally opened the button of Haruki’s pants and pulled down zipper.

“Mr. Asahi!” Haruki moaned again when Kaito breathed against the clearly visible bulge in his boxers.

“Mr. Asahi!”

“Um, Mr. Asahi? How much time do we have left?”

Kaito blinked and looked at Haruki who was sitting at his table, fully dressed and continuing to answer the questions on his test sheet. A bit confused, Kaito turned his head to the side and realised that some other student had raised their hand, but had obviously been ignored by him.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he sputtered, “You have 45 minutes left. So it’s halftime, guys.”

Hadn’t he promised to write time stamps onto the blackboard? Kaito stemmed his arms onto the desk in front of him to get up, but stopped half way. Did he…? Oh gosh no… That was…

He clenched his eyelids together and sat down again. He felt so embarrassed. Having a boner. In class. While watching his students taking an exam. What had he become? This was a total no-go.

As awkwardly as possible, Kaito turned around in his chair, snatched the closest piece of chalk and scribbled the current time onto the black board. At least he had enough time to calm himself down. With the utmost self-control, Kaito forced himself not to look at Haruki again for the next 45 minutes. He didn’t want to picture what would happen if his daydream continued.

With an extremely bitter taste on his tongue, Kaito realised that this thing between him and Haruki was getting out of hand. Kaito had never lost control of himself like that. No matter how much he had enjoyed his phantasy, the wish to turn it into reality was overwhelming and Kaito had to fight every instinct inside him to not simply walk over to Haruki, pull him up and kiss him unconscious. Which mustn’t happen. He was still a teacher. A confidant to his student. Hadn’t Aurora said that not even he would fall so low to start having an affair with one of his students? Thank god she had no idea that Kaito had actually reached that depths of indignity. What he was doing now wasn’t like him at all and he feared what would person he would become if he continued like that. No. He didn’t even want to imagine. Kaito needed to get himself under control again – some way or the other.


	26. Silver

„Great work, Haruki“ Mr. Asahi said when he handed Haruki his mock exam back.

It was just another late Saturday afternoon. The sun was just setting, colouring Mr. Asahi’s apartment in beautiful shades of orange. March had passed without any further incidents and April had arrived. There wasn’t much time left until his entrance exam and Haruki got more nervous every day. Only those tutoring sessions took the fear of failing away from him. Mr. Asahi was confident in his skills and his certainty rubbed off on his student.

But the exams weren’t the only thing on Haruki’s mind. First Mr. Asahi’s kiss with Liana and then his friend Aurora trying to torpedo their relationship had left invisible marks on him. Both had kept their mouths shut so far which was at least a little relieving. Haruki didn’t even know if Aurora had realised that he was a student of Mr. Asahi’s, but if she did, he hadn’t rat them out. Nonetheless, her words were nagging at Haruki’s nerves every day. His teacher had tried to make sure that he didn’t think the same way, spending the rest of that evening soothing him, whispering into his ear how beautiful Haruki was and how different he was compared to all the people Mr. Asahi had met before. All those words had left a warm and sticky-sweet sensation in Haruki’s belly, yet the meaning of Aurora’s words still kept on hunting him.

Maybe he had been a bit too blind and too naïve to think about such things before, but Aurora had been right. Not only that Mr. Asahi had a lot more experience than him, Haruki had nothing special to offer him besides of their bond. He had no idea how to satisfy a man, let alone keeping him interested for a longer while. Someday when they were closer into their relationship, the excitement of finding their soulmate would be gone and then Mr. Asahi would see what Haruki really was. A pale, boring nerd that preferred to stay at home all day and never go out. That couldn’t be what Mr. Asahi wanted for the rest of his life, was it?

All those things constantly rambling in his head lead him to become more aware of Mr. Asahi’s touches just when he had become used to them. His hands on Haruki’s hips, his lips placing soft kisses in his hair felt like they set the boy’s skin on fire – but not in a good way. They seemed to burn with a fading flame. Now it was vivid and hot and promising, but sooner or later it would die out, leaving Haruki cold and lonely.

He knew that he was making up all those things up in his mind and that he was doing Mr. Asahi wrong by judging him to actually act like that. Still, he couldn’t help it. There was no way to stop those thoughts from creeping up an night. And the worst thing was that Mr. Asahi seemed to have noticed that something was wrong, because he, too, had become more hesitant to show the intimacy they had reached throughout the past weeks. It was not like he completely stayed away from Haruki. No, he hugged him, caressed him and kissed him just as often as before. But there were things that were different. He drew back faster than before, he didn’t seem to enjoy kissing Haruki as much anymore. His movements were stiff and more controlled compared to the nearly natural gentleness that he had showed Haruki before.

Today especially, Mr. Asahi was unusually distant. When Haruki had leant towards him for their greeting kiss, Mr. Asahi had barely returned it and although he was still sitting close to Haruki, his body seemed to be miles away. The teacher took the utmost care to not accidentally touch Haruki.

“Thank you,” Haruki smiled at his teacher, although it felt forced in the charged atmosphere around them.

“You’ll be doing great in the exam, I’m sure.”

“I hope so, too,” he answered, “But maybe we could do another listening next week? I’m still a little nervous about that part.”

Suddenly, Mr. Asahi’s expression fell and darkness hushed over his eyes.

“Actually, there’s something I need to talk to you about.” Mr. Asahi’s voice was earnest and distant.

The room instantly felt at least 10 degrees colder and the sensation of something bad happening crept over Haruki.

“Yes?” he asked, trying to hold back the tremble in his voice.

“I think that we shouldn’t continue our tutoring from now on.”

Haruki’s heart pounded so hard for one beat, he could feel the blood pressure in his ear and his rips cracking. Then it stopped, leaving only white noise rushing around him. Haruki’s hands trembled and the pen he had been holding fell out of his grip. But he hardly noticed any of this. These things weren’t happening to his own body. It weren’t his eyes that began to water. It weren’t his ears that had heard such hurtful words. It couldn’t be.

“What?” he whispered.

“I think it’s better for the both of us if we stopped seeing each other outside of school.”

Haruki didn’t know where the strength to talk came from. His lips formed words by themselves.

“But why?”

Mr. Asahi ignored his question and continued, “I also think that we shouldn’t text each other anymore. It might be for the best if you delete my number.”

“But…. I don’t understand…”

“It’s for the better, believe me.”

“But…” Haruki stumbled. He was so caught off guard by Mr. Asahi’s words that he didn’t quite grasp their full meaning. “How am I supposed to take the entrance exam? I… I’m going to fail without you.”

“You’ll be fine. Your level is already higher than what they expect you to have. You studied enough through the past months. It’s just three more weeks until then. You’ll make it without me, I’m sure.”

“I don’t want to make it without you. I know I can’t. Please. Please don’t stop tutoring me.”

“I’m sorry, Haruki. I just can’t keep on doing this.”

The boy heard the crack in his voice, but he felt no sympathy for the man who was just about to break his heart. Again. While at first he had just thought about what was right in front of him, Haruki began to understand that Mr. Asahi didn’t want to stop tutoring him for the cause itself. He didn’t want to be with Haruki anymore! This was Mr. Asahi’s way of trying to break up with him. But why was he doing this to him? They had just started their journey together. Was he already sick of him like Aurora had predicted? Anger swell up in Haruki’s throat and overshadowed the pain in his chest.

“Keep doing what? Tutoring me? Spending time with me? Pretending to like me?” he shouted.

“That’s not it, Haruki, I…”

“No! I don’t want to hear! How am I supposed to believe anything you say? From the very beginning you’ve only sent me contradictory signs. First you ignore me, then you bully me. Next thing you apologise and make me like you. And now you’re doing this! What am I supposed to think? Is this fun for you? Is it your hobby to break people’s hearts? You stand here, telling me you don’t want to see me again while I….” he choked, “I wholeheartedly fell in lo….”

“Please!” Mr. Asahi interrupted him, pain hushing over his flinched face. “Please don’t say it.”

“Why? Because it would make you feel sorry for me? You don’t care about how I feel, so why should I do so now?”

“If you confess to me now, I mustn’t return those words.”

“What?”

Again, Haruki was left in shock, but this time his heart was beating stupidly hopeful in his chest. Mr. Asahi sighed and closed his eyes before he continued to talk.

“As much as I want to say those words to you, I can’t. Because if I did, I can’t promise on holding back anymore.”

He opened his eyes and looked at Haruki. There was so much grief and pain in his eyes, it made the boy choke.

“I’ve been trying to cover my feelings for you up. I try not think about you too much, but whenever I have a spare second, my thoughts fly to you. I’ve been growing fond of you faster than I should have and my feelings only grow with every second that you’re close to me. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy every moment with you and whenever you have to leave it breaks my heart. All I want to do is hold you back, lock you up in my bedroom and never let you out again. With every second that I’m not allowed to touch you in public, those desires get worse. I fear that if it continues like this, I’m going to do something to you that I would regret later.”

Swallowing heavily he continued, “This is not the person I am. I want to be a good teacher, a person my students can count on. I want to be a good partner and soulmate to you. I want you to trust me and open up to me on your own. I thought I could control my desire to be with you. I thought I would be able to slowly get close to you, get to know you without overwhelming you. I know that you’re younger and more inexperience than me. And it’s totally fine. I want to help you explore all those things at your pace and in a safe environment. I thought it would be fine if we just got to know each other while we are still teacher and student. I really thought I could hold back. But I couldn’t and you responded so openly to all my advances I had no chance to not go further. And this is not okay.”

He stopped for a while and Haruki tried to grasp what was happening. Mr. Asahi had said so many words, but he didn’t understand any of them.

“I recently realised that I can’t be with you and stay the person – the teacher that I want to be. At least not now. I want to be with you. More than anything else, but this current situation has me so conflicted that I can’t even enjoy our time together, because all I do is feel guilty. I promise, we will be together. I just beg you to wait a few more months. You don’t have to. I’d understand if you’ve actually come to hate me now that I hurt you once again. I never wanted to do this, I hope you can believe me. All I can do is ask for you to forgive me someday and be patient, because I’ll wait for you no matter what. I’m sorry.”

Mr. Asahi looked at Haruki like he was expecting him to say something, yet there were no words left inside him. Even if he could find a way to express how he was feeling, his body had no strength to speak. It was already hard enough to keep himself on his feet. Yet what was maybe even worse than his own shattered heart was the pain in Mr. Asahi’s eyes. Haruki could read how much it had hurt him to say those words. He looked like he was breaking apart any second.

His body moving on his own, Haruki walked towards the hallway to get himself dressed like a zombie. Some part of him started to understand that Mr. Asahi was doing this, because he wanted to protect Haruki. He simply didn’t get what exactly he tried to protect him from.

“Haruki, please…” Mr. Asahi had followed him. His voice was wrecked and he sounded like he was about to cry.

“Good night, Mr. Asahi,” Haruki whispered and closed the door behind himself.

Calmly, he walked down the stairs, left the building and even managed to walk across the street where he broke down on a park bench. With trembling fingers, he retrieved his phone from his pockets. Wet drops covered the screen as he tried to unlock it. Haruki hadn’t even noticed that he had started crying.

“Takeshi,” he sobbed into the speaker, “can you please pick me up?”


	27. Velvet Blue

When Takeshi arrived at the bench where Haruki had been sitting the last few minutes, his tears had nearly dried out. It didn’t make him feel any better, though. If anything, he felt a little more empty once he couldn’t express his pain and disappointment other than staring at the night sky. Clouds covered the usual dark blue blanket so no star was visible. Without their beautiful sparkle, the night felt as desolated as Haruki’s heart.

His gaze was torn away from the dark grey evenness when his brother jumped out of his car and ran towards him.

“Haruki!”

The student turned his tired eyes towards Takeshi who stopped half-way, confusion and shock hushing over his face.

“What happened?” he asked when he pulled himself together and sat down next to Haruki.

Swallowing hard, Haruki tried to get his thoughts into a straight line. He had to explain to Takeshi why he had begged him to pick him up despite him having to work. Just thinking of words to say hurt too much and made his throat dry.

“He said we shouldn’t continue our tutoring, because it would be better if we were not together,” he whispered.

Saying these words out loud for the first time made him feel even worse. His stomach cramped like he was about to throw up and his heart was torn into pieces.

“He did what?” Takeshi asked in disbelieve.

“He doesn’t want to see me outside of school anymore. Said it would be better or he might do something stupid.”

Haruki noticed how his voice began to tremble and although he had believed that he didn’t have any tears left, they crept up again, watering his eyes.

“I kind of understand why he said that, but…” his words got lost in silent sobs, “it just hurts so much.”

Takeshi said nothing and simply wrapped his arms around Haruki, his hands stroking through his hair. In his brother’s comforting embrace, Haruki felt like he could finally let go and started crying again. He clawed his fingers into Takeshi’s jacket and let everything out that he had held in.

“It’s okay,” Takeshi whispered, his other hand rubbing Haruki’s back.

He held his brother close until the latter had stopped shivering and shaking.

“I’m going to take you home now, okay? Is mom there?”

“No,” Haruki mumbled, “she’s working tonight.”

“Alright, then we’ll go home to pack a few things of yours and you’ll be sleeping at our place. I don’t want you to be alone tonight.”

He helped Haruki up and guided him into the passenger seat.

“It’s okay. I’m… I’m fine now.”

“No chance, Kiki,” Takeshi smiled sadly when he wiped away one single tear that ran down Haruki’s cheek, “I won’t leave you alone when you clearly shouldn’t be.”

Haruki wanted to respond something, but he knew it was no use. Deep inside, he was thankful that Takeshi was so persistent. It really wouldn’t be good for him to be alone that night. He would only get into his head, searching for answers for what he had done wrong.

“Just wait here for a second, I’ll be right back.”

Takeshi locked the car with Haruki inside and ran across the street. Haruki wondered why he did that, but he was too tired to think about it.

It took at least ten minutes until Takeshi was back. Without a word what had taken him so long, he started the engine and drove into the darkness.

“Takeshi? What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at w… Haruki?” Cornelius asked when they had reached the penthouse apartment that belong to Takeshi and his soulmate.

“Sorry, babe, we had an… emergency.”

Instantly, Cornelius got up from the couch.

“Is everything alright? Are you hurt anywhere?”

“No, not that kind of emergency,” Takeshi grumbled. “Anyways, he’ll be staying with us for tonight.”

“Yeah sure,” Cornelius answered.

He unfolded a fluffy and soft blanket that had been stored in one of the extendable shelves underneath the couch and wrapped it around Haruki as soon as he had sat down. Takeshi carried his bag into the guest room and vanished right into the kitchen. Cornelius followed him. They kept their voice down, but Haruki could hear them nonetheless.

“What happened?”

“That fucker told him that he wanted to stop their tutoring and that they shouldn’t meet or talk outside of school.”

Cornelius sighed.

“Did he say why?”

Takeshi said nothing or maybe Haruki just couldn’t hear it. It remained silent for a while before his brother returned to the living room with a steaming of hot cocoa in his hands.

“Here,” he handed it to Haruki and sat down next to him.

“Thanks,” Haruki mumbled and stared into warm brown liquid that scented so comforting. “It’s okay if you want to go back to work.”

“No, no. It’s alright. Natti’s got everything under control.”

“No, please. I don’t want to bother you more. I’ll be fine. Cornelius is here, so I won’t be alone.”

For a moment, Takeshi looked at him with furrowed brows, but then he sighed and placed a soft kiss on Haruki’s hair.

“Alright. I’ll be back home around 10.”

He left and Cornelius took the place by Haruki’s side.

“Do you want to talk?” he asked when Haruki had finished half of the cup.

“Don’t know,” Haruki mumbled into the blanket. “I still don’t know why he did this. I mean, I do understand where he’s coming from. At least, I believe I do. But then again, I don’t understand one bit.”

“Maybe I can help you? Why don’t you start at the beginning and we can try to untangle it together?”

Haruki tightened his grip around the mug.

“He’s been weird for a while. Not totally, though. He tried not to let it show, but I could sense there was something on his mind. Then today out of nowhere, he said that we should stop with the tutoring and we shouldn’t meet or talk outside of school. We even shouldn’t text each other anymore.”

“Did he say why?” he asked Haruki the same question as Takeshi before.

“Not really. He said something about not being able to hold back and doing something stupid. He mentioned no being himself anymore and something about not being the teacher he wanted to be.”

“Did anything happen between the two of you that may have changed something?”

Haruki took his time to think for a moment.

“I don’t know. A few weeks ago, a friend of him showed up right before our tutoring session and made a scene. She and Mr. Asahi seemed to have had a friends with benefits agreement, but she eventually wanted more. She said some… not so nice things about me, but Mr. Asahi treated me the same afterwards. He only started to change two weeks ago or so. But between that incident with her and that time, everything has been fine.”

“Well…,” Cornelius started, but stopped himself.

“I just know that something must have happened or somebody has said something to him that made him change so much. Something he doesn’t want to tell me. Which is fine. I guess. He’s not obliged to tell me everything. Though…”

“Though you wish he did?”

“Yeah.”

“And did the mention any idea how you both should proceed from now on? I mean after you graduate.”

“He asked me to wait for him and promised to do the same if I still wanted him after what he did to me.”

“I see.”

“I’m not sure, however, if I want to. I want to be with him. I really do. But I don’t know if I can go through something similar again. I’m putting all my hopes into the time after I graduate. But what if nothing changes? What if everything will be still complicated? Up until now, we’ve only jumped from one problem to the next without much time to catch our breaths. Of course, I hope most of those issues will be solved by the end of our teacher-student relationship. But I’m so anxious about the future that I can’t even look forward to finally being able to be together with him anymore.”

His chest cramped heavily when he said those words, but Haruki knew that they were true.

“I understand how you feel. Your situation is quite difficult and you have been forced to go through so many hardships in just a few months. But I’m afraid that only the both of you can figure this out together.”

Haruki nodded and started into his cup again.

“You know what I think is really astonishing? You’re still so young and not even out of school, but your level reflectiveness is quite mature. Even more than your brother’s.”

“Mr. Asahi said a similar thing not long ago.”

“Maybe that side of yours makes him forget sometimes that you’re just a student of his.”

They both followed their own thoughts for a while when suddenly Haruki remembered something.

“That night when Mr. Asahi was over for dinner at our house, you said something about be being bond to him too much already? What did you mean by that? Is something going to happen now since we…”

The rest of his sentence got stuck in his throat.

Cornelius let out a deep sigh before he started.

“When you meet your soulmate your body changes on a neurochemical level. You could compare it to getting addicted to the colour you’re seeing again, although there is a lot more to it. The more time you spent around your soulmate, the more you get used to the sensation of him around – the colours, the attraction, the endorphines – all things of that kind. Getting to know each other, spending time together and maybe even falling in love strengthens the bond that has been connected you from the beginning of time. You might have noticed, too, that the range of your colour vision has extended, haven’t you?”

Haruki nodded.

“That’s also a result from your increased bond. When you’re rejected by your soulmate or separated by force, your body doesn’t get the amount of colour or in other words the affection and love that it craves for. Even after consummating your bond, any kind of rejection will affect you in form of withdrawal symptoms.”

Pausing for a moment, Cornelius looked down on his hands, playing with his fingers.

“They’re not really… comfortable. I don’t want to scare you, but honestly, you wouldn’t even wish for your greatest enemy to feel like that. Trust me.”

“Will… Will I have such symptoms, too?” Haruki asked a little anxious.

“Don’t worry. I don’t think so. First, you’ll still meet Mr. Asahi in school, so you’ll at least get to see him once in a while. Also, he told you he’ll wait for you. You know that he didn’t reject you for your own sake, but for your position as a student which will solve itself in a few weeks. I won’t say the upcoming time will be easy and despite the possibility of you having a happy end, you’re still hurt. But it shouldn’t be as painful as it could be.”

Haruki nodded understandingly. Suddenly, a thought popped up in his mind. Before he could think about it, a question left his lips.

“Did you have withdrawal symptoms? Because of Takeshi.”

A sad smile appeared on Cornelius lips. “It was my fault back then.”

He swallowed hard, his gaze distant as if he was lost in the memory of that time.

“Just listen to your heart, Haruki. It sounds cheesy, but when it comes to your soulmate, that’s the only voice that counts.”


	28. Purple

As the first rays of the rising sun tip-toed into his room, Haruki listened to the birds greeting the new day. He had been lying awake for quite a while now, unable to go back to sleep. Today was the day of his last final exam – his oral French exam. How long had he waited for this day to come? There had been a lot of mixed feelings coming up and vanishing over the last weeks. Now that this day had finally arrived, Haruki had no idea how to feel about it. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and tried to listen to what was going on inside him. Weirdly, he was really calm compared to all his other exams and especially his entrance exam. Of course there was a bit of anticipation bubbling up in his guts, but the sickening nervousness seemed to be missing completely today.

Thinking back to how terrified he had been before his entrance exam, it didn’t really feel like three weeks had passed since then. The night before, Haruki hadn’t been able to sleep at all. Until 3 am he had been lying awake, staring at the ceiling, Pancakes in his arms and desperate for the relaxing calm of sleep to soothe his nerves. His general mental and physical state also hadn’t really helped to feel ready for the exam that might decide the path of his future.

Staying away from Mr. Asahi had been… hard. The rest of that weekend had been alright with Takeshi and Cornelius caring for him and making sure not to leave him alone with his thoughts, yet Monday morning when the school had blushed up in colour had been when it had hit him. Although he had tried to stay strong, Ms. Miller had sent him to the infirmary to rest for two hours. He had hardly been able to hold himself up in his chair, let alone pay attention to his teacher. Haruki had felt like he had been overreacting, feeling overwhelmed just seeing colour. He hadn’t even met Mr. Asahi at that point and his body was already giving in. Lying in the infirmary bed had reminded him of the first day of the school year when he had fainted. If he had known that he would lay there again just 9 months later, would he have even bothered to get up back then?

Even worse than that Monday, however, had been the following Tuesday. Not even a whole night of mentally preparing himself had been enough to brace himself for the feeling of sickness that had overcome him when Mr. Asahi had entered the classroom. Although Haruki had planned not to look at his teacher, his eyes had hushed towards Mr. Asahi as soon as he had stepped through the door. The teacher had looked as tired as Haruki had felt. He had tried not to let it show, but Haruki had noticed nonetheless. He probably hadn’t been able to sleep just like him. For a second, their gazes had met and the pained expression on Mr. Asahi’s face had made Haruki forget about his own aches for a second. He had turned his face away quickly, not able to stand the stunning grey of Mr. Asahi’s iris that he had come to love so much. Yet despite averting his gaze, Haruki had noticed a small adhesive tape over Mr. Asahi’s nose. The other students had done so, too, starting to mumble what might have caused that injury. Haruki had tried his best not to listen to them, not wanting to think about his teacher more than he had to.

Looking back now, the tension between him and Mr. Asahi and the ever-present lump in his throat hadn’t ceased over the course of the weeks, but luckily, they also hadn’t become worse. Haruki just had held onto the hope that once this school thing was over, they would have time to talk everything out. That way, he had somehow managed to get through April and most of May, but when he had laid awake, stressing over how he should make it through the exam with zero sleep, he had wished he simply could call Mr. Asahi and have him talk him through the night. But he mustn’t and that killed him. Around three, he had turned on his phone, hoping to get tired over some videos when right in that moment a massage had been coming in.

‘I know I’m not following my own rules, but I felt like you could need this: I wish you all the best of luck and success for your entrance exam. I bet you’re stressing out and it’s partly my fault, but I know you can do this. You’re the smartest and most talented person I’ve ever met. I believe in you. You can do this. And no matter how it will turn out in the end, I’m proud of you.’

Haruki had nearly cried, reading that text over and over again. Just the feeling of still being connected to his teacher, him sensing how nervous Haruki had been, had had him undone. In a good way, though. The loneliness that had resided inside him had decreased and as few tears had dried on his cheeks, Haruki had actually fallen into a light sleep.

The exam had been as hard as he had predicted, but also a lot more manageable. Every now and then Haruki had remembered the tips he had gotten from Mr. Asahi, tricky points he had emphasised on during their tutoring. So overall, Haruki hadn’t had a bad feeling leaving the large auditorium with numerous other students. He had already started typing a message to Mr. Asahi, but he hadn’t sent it. He still respected Mr. Asahi’s request of not getting too involved with each other, despite the teacher’s lack to comply with the boundaries he had set.

Just like that, the weeks until the first final exam had passed and maybe Haruki focusing on giving his best had kept him away from wondering what might happen to him and his teacher after he would be done with school. He had even used the wake hours in the middle of the night to study and practise. Which had come in quite handy and made Haruki feel really prepared. One finished exam had turned into two and three and eventually four which lead to the present day.

In just a few hours, Haruki would be free. Not officially. The fear of having failed one of the tests was still there. But if his mind hadn’t completely forsaken him, Haruki would be finally done with school. Although it was way too early, Haruki decided to get up, take a long, hot shower and get dressed. It would be the first time since the exams started that he would meet Mr. Asahi and he at least wanted to look like he had had more than 5 hours of sleep. Meanwhile he was listening to that one song that kept stuck in his mind since he had watched a movie with Mr. Asahi the first time. It was light and soft and Haruki hoped that the French would get him in the right mood for his last exam.

“You ready, darling?” Haruki’s mother asked when he came down the stairs and sat down at the table next to her.

“I guess,” he replied, playing with the dragon shaped cereal in the bowl of milk in front of him.

“It’s your last exam. Are you excited?”

“I’m more excited about the nap I’m going to take as soon as I come home,” Haruki smiled at her.

His mother returned the smile.

“Do you want me to drive you or do you want to walk to school?”

“I guess I’ll walk. Getting some fresh air, you know?”

Nodding, Haruki’s mother got up and got herself ready for work.

Walking in the fresh morning air had really been a good decision. It cleared Haruki’s mind and wiped away the last hints of tiredness. He was ready for this. Another advantage of walking was the passing of time. Although Haruki had left home early, he arrived at the school just 30 minutes before his exam. What still sounded early for most people was rather late for Haruki. Usually, he had been waiting for about an hour before even the teachers had turned up – just in case something on the way happened.

Filling up his water bottle, Haruki walked through the deserted hallways. Behind the adjacent doors, hundreds of pupils were writing their end of the year exams. It felt like a century that Haruki had been in their place. He became a little nostalgic, but in no way he would trade places with them. It had taken this day way too long to arrive after all.

When he reached the classroom in which he would have his French exam, Haruki sat down on the floor, waiting for his teachers to show up. Slowly, his nervousness increased. This was still an exam and on top of that, Mr. Asahi would be there leading the examination with Mrs. Langton as co-examiner by his side. In the past, he had easily talked to his teacher in French. Would it be the same today after not talking to each other in weeks?

“Oh, Haruki?” Mrs. Langton approached him. “You’re quite on time.”

“Good morning, Mrs. Langton,” Haruki got up and greeted her properly.

“How are you feeling? Are you nervous?”

“A bit, honestly.”

“My, my. I’m sure you’ll be fine. Mr. Asahi has praised you highly. I even heard you took the French entrance exam at M university. It’s quite a test, isn’t it? But if you managed to get through it, I doubt you’ll have any problems now.”

“Thank you.”

“Here, I’ll let you in. Mr. Asahi will be here in a moment. The dear offered to get me some coffee. He’s quite the gentleman, isn’t he.”

Haruki had no idea what to say in return, so he simply followed the old lady inside the classroom.

The room had already been prepared for the exam. The teacher’s desk had been pulled into the middle of the room with two students’ desk right in front of it where the teachers would sit. Mrs. Langton invited Haruki sit down at the teacher’s desk and unpacked her back at one of the other two.

“I’m sorry, Beatrice. There was quite a queue at the coffee… Oh. Good morning, Haruki.”

Mr. Asahi had entered the room, two steaming cups in his hands. A smile appeared on his lips that was incredibly easy for Haruki to read. He was happy. Happy to see Haruki. Probably happy that this day had finally arrived.

“Good morning, Mr. Asahi,” Haruki returned that smile.

The anger he had felt towards Mr. Asahi during some nights had completely vanished and was now replaced by a warm, bubbly sensation.

“So since we are all here already, why don’t we start a little early? Would that be okay for you, Haruki?” Mrs. Langton asked.

“Sure. I’m ready.”

Compared to the entrance exam, this oral test was really nothing. Haruki had been asked to prepare a short presentation about one of the topics they had discussed during the last year and then was asked questions about it. Afterwards, both teachers asked him about other topics he had encountered during the school year. They also handed him a short text which he should read out loud and explain or correct grammatical expressions. Maybe the atmosphere was a little lighter and more informal than during the entrance exam, because Haruki was used to talk to Mr. Asahi freely. But maybe it was also the way Mr. Asahi looked at him proudly whenever Haruki gave an answer.

The 20 minutes of the exam passed by in no time and before Haruki knew it, both teachers declared that they were happy with what they had gotten and congratulated him on finishing his last exam. Mrs. Langton went outside to go for a smoke while Mr. Asahi stayed behind.

“I’m not supposed to be saying anything, but…” he whispered, “I’m really proud of you.”

Haruki turned around and looked into Mr. Asahi’s eyes. There were still bags underneath them, but they finally had that shine again that had been missing the past few weeks.

“Thank you.”

Swallowing hard, Haruki licked over his lips. He wished he could simply raise himself on tiptoes and kiss his teacher. The latter closed his eyes and sighed and instantly, Haruki knew that he wanted to do the same thing. He was about to bend forwards, when suddenly Mrs. Langton’s voice from the hallway made them scatter.

“Kaito?”

Mr. Asahi straightened his back, before taking one last look at Haruki.

“I can’t wait to see you at the graduation ceremony,” he whispered.

“Me neither.”


	29. Sunflower yellow

„I wish you all the best for your future from here on. Congratulations,” Ms. Miller said with the utmost pride in her voice.

All students and their families applauded one last time before they got up and fell into each other’s arms. Like in a trance Haruki walked up to his mother and brother who hugged him tightly. Everything felt so unreal. The official graduation ceremony with all students had already been like a dream and now the more informal celebration with his own class had passed by in a blur. Even when Ms. Miller had handed him his certificate, Haruki hadn’t been able to believe that this day had finally arrived.

“Well done, Kiki,” Takeshi said as he ruffled through Haruki’s hair.

“We’re so proud of you, honey,” his mother added, tears of emotion in her eyes.

Haruki had no idea what to say, so he simply returned both their hugs.

“Come on,” Takeshi said after Haruki’s mother had let go off him, “let’s go downstairs and take a few last picture of you in that adorable uniform.”

“You just want them to mock me,” Haruki pouted.

“I think this is a great idea,” Haruki’s mother stepped in.

There was no way to stop her from getting some memory photos, so Haruki accepted his fate.

After he had said goodbye to his teacher who complimented him one last time for achieving the best scores this year, they headed downstairs. Many students and their families used the beautiful backdrop of the blooming trees in front of the school building as a setting for some last memory shots. Following his mother’s commands, Haruki and Takeshi posed for as long as she wanted them to. Haruki hated to be photographed, but he also wanted to make his mother happy, so he obliged to her orders.

He tried to hold up another smile besides his hurting muscles when his eyes wandered to the boarders of the school ground. Two students, a boy from Haruki’s class and a girl he had seen at the last school festival were standing a few meters away from the rest. Haruki watched as Daichi fumbled at his jacket, his hands visibly trembling and his ears flushed bright red. Somehow he managed to get off his second button and handed it to the girl. Haruki had always though that giving the button that was closest to your heart to the person you like was old-fashioned. Still, it was a cute gesture – a way of saying that you’re giving your heart to the other person, hoping they will take good care of it.

For a second, the girl stared at Daichi like she couldn’t believe what he had done, her head just as red as Daichi’s. Yet when she caught herself, she gladly accepted the button, taking it into her hands like it was the greatest treasure someone had ever given her.

They hugged and Haruki sighed. He felt the envy deep in his guts. It would be nice to confess to the one the liked, too, but this was hardly possible with his family around. He was about to turn his attention to his mother and the camera again when the person he had just thought about stepped into his field of view.

“Mrs. Watanabe, what a pleasure to see you.”

“Mr. Asahi. What a nice surprise,” his mother greeted Haruki’s teacher.

“I see your all busy taking the obligatory pictures. How about I take one of you with your sons?” Mr. Asahi offered with a smile that seemed polite but Haruki felt like it was directed just towards him.

“That’s really kind of you. Come on, boys. Let’s take a family picture for once.”

Keiko handed Mr. Asahi her phone and took her place between Takeshi and Haruki.

“Say cheese.”

Trying to focus on the camera, Haruki did his best to put on his camera smile which turned out to be a little harder than usual with his heart beating happily against his chest. He hadn’t seen Mr. Asahi during the last three weeks. While their exam had been graded, there had been no reason for Haruki to visit the school and since he was officially still a student, he hadn’t been able to see his teacher in private as well. So after those long days of absence being so close to him again felt like an overdose of colours and endorphins.

Those days that he had spent either on his own or with his brother, Haruki had had a lot of time to think about his teacher and their future. Yes, Mr. Asahi had hurt him again, but the longer Haruki had been considering what he wanted for them to happen, weighting their good times against the bad ones, he was still sure that he wanted to try dating Mr. Asahi for real – after a deep and hopefully clarifying talk of course. And if Mr. Asahi wanted the same.

His gaze drifted from the focus of the camera to the teacher behind it. Mr. Asahi was looking at Keiko’s phone, trying to get the best angle. When he noticed Haruki’s glance on him, he lifted his face up and their eyes met. A smile appeared on Mr. Asahi’s lips that was as bright as the sun but still bore a hint of nervousness. What could Mr. Asahi possibly be nervous about?

“Here,” the teacher said as he handed Keiko’s phone back to her, “I hope I got a few good shots.”

“Oh I’m sure,” Haruki’s mother answered as she skipped through her gallery, “it’s the first family picture in ages so I’m already glad to have photos of me and my sons together.”

She put her phone away and smiled at the teacher.

“So… Will you be doing a great celebration tonight?” Mr. Asahi asked.

“I’m afraid not,” Keiko sighed, “I had to change shifts so I could be here for the ceremony, but that means I have to work tonight. Takeshi, too. But we will have some nice lunch and cake afterwards to celebrate and Haruki said it would be fine.”

Haruki could hear the disappointment in his mother’s voice. He knew how important it had been for her to celebrate his graduation properly like other families.

“I already told you, I don’t need a fancy dinner or something like that. There’s nothing better than cake anyways.”

Keiko smiled at him and her gaze wandered to the families around them.

“Oh, there’s Hana. I’m sorry boys, but I haven’t seen her in ages. Anyways, thank you Mr. Asahi for the pictures. I hope we meet again some time.” She threw a sly smile at Mr. Asahi before she waved to her acquaintance. “Hello, Hana!”

Without his mother there, the atmosphere with just Takeshi and Mr. Asahi around changed completely. There was a tension between his brother and Haruki’s soulmate that was only increased by the electricity of unspoken words between Haruki and Mr. Asahi themselves.

“Well…” Mr. Asahi said after a while, seemingly as uncomfortable as Haruki.

Takeshi raised his eyebrow and crossed his arms in front of his chest, waiting critically for what the teacher was about to say. Haruki knew that he wasn’t really fond of Mr. Asahi, but he wondered why Takeshi seemed so hostile while the teacher was rather hesitant. Although he had only ever seen Mr. Asahi to be quite collected, he had also always been confident and never so insecure around other people. This didn’t suit at all.

Suddenly, Haruki remembered the tape over Mr. Asahi’s nose the first French lesson after their – it wasn’t a true break up, but anyways – break up. He had managed to ignore this his worries, but now it bubbled up again.

His eyes widened in shock as he looked over at Takeshi whom still carried his indignant expression. So this had been why his brother had been away for over ten minutes after he had picked Haruki up that night at the park bench! How could he? It was one thing that Mr. Asahi had hurt emotionally, but paying him back physically? Haruki couldn’t accept that. He was about to say something to him, shout at Takeshi for hurting Mr. Asahi, when his teacher himself parted his lips again.

“I would love to talk to you, Haruki,” he said. His words were obviously directed as his former student, but the focus of his eyes told Haruki that his question was rather searching for Takeshi’s approval than asking Haruki for his consent.

Takeshi only raised his right eyebrow even higher as if to signalise that Mr. Asahi was already talking to Haruki.

“In private,” the teacher added.

Haruki had never seen Takeshi’s lips curl up that way, his expression now radiating pure disapproval and repulsion.

Holding his breath, Haruki was waiting anxiously for his brother’s reaction. Not that he really needed his approval to talk to Mr. Asahi, but he would rather have Takeshi’s consent than having that clarifying talk he had waited for for weeks in the infirmary of the school, Mr. Asahi holding a cooling bag to his nose.

For a few seconds, the air seemed to vibrate in electricity. The tension was hardly endurable when finally, Takeshi lowered his brows, let out a snort and walked over to his mother. What seemed like a disapproving gesture actually made Haruki’s heart burst. Because even if Takeshi wasn’t happy about Mr. Asahi’s actions, this was still his way to approve whatever he and Haruki might decide on doing from this point on.

Mr. Asahi, too, seemed relieved as a nervous smile lifted the corners of his lips up.

“Sooo, if you are okay with talking to me, should we go somewhere… more private?” he asked.

Haruki nodded.

Making their way through the decreasing amount of families, Haruki felt his brother’s sharp gaze on them from afar. Mr. Asahi lead him back into the school and up the stairs into the now-deserted classroom. Precautionary, the teacher looked the door, but left the key inside the lock as if to give Haruki the possibility to leave whenever he wanted.

With the warm sun shining through the light curtains, both of them stood in front of each other. It remembered Haruki of the other time when they had been alone in the classroom. That day when they had kissed for the first time. His throat tightened thinking about that he didn’t know if they would ever kiss again.

Yet waiting wouldn’t get him anywhere. They needed to talk, so Haruki decided to take the first step.

“I thought a lot about us the last months, you know. I imagined how today would be like. What you would say. What I would say. How I should react after what you’ve… what happened between us. I want to be honest: I was hurt. I was so deeply hurt like never before in my life. All this pain didn’t make it easy to clear my head, to understand what I feel for you and what I want us to become once I graduated. But now that day is here. We aren’t teacher and student anymore. And… I think I’ve made up my mind. No, I’m sure. I-”

“Please, before you say anything else,” Mr. Asahi interrupted him. “There’s something I wanted to tell you weeks, no, months ago, but I couldn’t. I want to tell you now without knowing what kind of decision you made during the time we were… separated. I want you to know those things no matter how you think about us and our future. I want to hear every thought you had, I want you to tell me how badly I treated you and I will listen closely every second. But please, let me do this first.”

Haruki swallowed hard and nodded. His heart was pounding nervously in his chest.

Closing his eyes for a second, Mr. Asahi took a deep breath before he turned his beautiful grey eyes on Haruki.

“I really like you Haruki. I’ve done so from the moment I really got to know you. I was attracted to you from the beginning, but I really came to like you as we grew closer. Spending time with you, even if it was just studying together has made me more happy, feeling more fulfilled than ever before. My apartment only felt like a home with you in it. And it was incredibly cold and lifeless without you. Being with you has made me learn so many new things. Like when we discuss our favourite books or movies. Even though we appreciate the same things and have a lot in common you always bring that new perspective to everything. But you don’t need to talk to me to make me feel cherished and special. Just holding you in my arms made me wish so often that time would never pass. Like I was never a whole person and only your weight on my chest made me realise that you’re the second half of me. I wish we met earlier. I wish I could have done this without the weight of our past months on our backs. But let me do this like I wish things could have been if life had been easier on us. What I want to say with all of this is… ”

Mr. Asahi stopped and ripped the second button from his waistcoat. He played with it for a second before he held it out for Haruki to take.

“Haruki, I’m in love with you. And if you can forgive me, and if you can try to trust me again, you’d make me the happiest man on earth if you go out with me.”


	30. Gold

“Haruki, I’m in love with you. And if you can forgive me, and if you can try to trust me again, you’d make me the happiest man on earth if you go out with me.”

While his heart had stopped beating during Mr. Asahi’s talk, it was now hammering so hard against Haruki’s chest, it felt like it was about to break through his rips and jump right into his teacher’s arms. These were the words he had been waiting to hear for months. Voluntarily or involuntarily he had imagined how they might sound coming from the person he liked. Yet as much as he wanted to say those words back, how much he yearned to just fall into Mr. Asahi’s arms, he couldn’t say them.

“I…” he stumbled, “I don’t know what to say.”

It was painful to keep his gaze focused on Mr. Asahi’s face, noticing the flinch of disappointment.

“I see,” the teacher answered.

He closed his fingers around the button in his hand and swallowed hard.

“I guess that’s what I deserve after keeping you at a distance and hurting you so much.” His voice broke for a second and he coughed to hid it, but Haruki had heard it nonetheless. “It’s not like I didn’t expect this to happen. I just… Well that’s my fault. I’m sorry I could not be the soulmate you deserve.”

“That’s not…” Haruki tried to interrupt him, but Mr. Asahi just gave him a weak smile.

“It’s okay. I just hope you’ll find your happiness. But… If you don’t mind. Would you please tell me what it was that made you make this decision? I know I’ve done so many things wrong, it’s hard not to lose count. But I want to understand you.”

“Why are you always so quick to assume things on your own?” Haruki blurted out and took a step towards his teacher. “I thought you should know me better than that. But…” He sighed. “I guess this is exactly the point.”

He reached out for Mr. Asahi’s hand. It had been a while since they had touched, but their fingers just found their way to intertwine so easily as if nothing had happened.

“I’m really happy,” Haruki started calmly, “I’m really happy about your confession. So much that I feel like I’m about to burst, but… There are so many things standing between us. Things that happened and we never got to talk about. And before we decide on anything that concerns our future, I think we should do that – talk. About what happened. About the things we did and things we said. To work through them and let them in the past. We should get to know each other. Talk about what we want in life. Go on a proper date for a change. Catch up with all that “courting” stuff.” Haruki huffed at his own words.

Mr. Asahi, however, didn’t laugh. Instead, he drew back his hand and Haruki was anxious for a second that he might leave. But instead, the teacher wrapped his arms around Haruki’s neck and pulled him close. A deep breath hit Haruki’s hair as Mr. Asahi buried his nose in it.

“I thought I was supposed to be the adult between us.”

“Hm?”

“I feel so embarrassed that you approach all of these things so much more maturely and thought-out than I do. I feel like I should have proposed to talk instead of forcing my decisions and feelings onto you again.”

“No, no!” Haruki lifted up his head to look at Mr. Asahi. “I’m glad you did. At least, this time. I guess, after all that time, I still kinda doubt that you could like me the same way.”

“I’m so sorry for making you feel like this all the time.”

Haruki hugged Mr. Asahi a little tighter, listening to the teacher’s quickened heartbeat.

“What do you think about coming to my apartment tonight?” Mr. Asahi asked after a while. “I could cook for the both of us and then we can talk. I think Ar-chan would also be very happy to see you again, too. But only if you’re comfortable with that.”

“I’d love to come,” Haruki answered, happy not only upon not having to be alone tonight, but also to see his favourite dog again.

Mr. Asahi placed the hint of a kiss onto Haruki’s head before drawing back a little.

“I guess we should go back.”

“Yeah, we should.”

Their words were confident to part, but their bodies weren’t. Instead of letting go, Mr. Asahi pulled Haruki closer while the student clawed his hands into his teacher’s waistcoat. Of course they should let go. Of course they should return to Haruki’s family and return to the rest of the world, yet neither Mr. Asahi nor Haruki wanted to burst their own little bubble that was just so tender, so fragile.

“Didn’t you say we should go back?” Haruki asked after a while, more as a mockery than with the intention to let go. After waiting for months, he had to recharge his body with this warmth and a sensation of completion that he only had in Mr. Asahi’s arms.

“I did. But you didn’t make a move either,” the teacher mumbled into his hair.

“Because I don’t want to.”

“Me neither.”

“But we should.”

“I know,” Mr. Asahi sighed.

With his muscles tensing as if he needed all the strength he had, Mr. Asahi drew back and looked at Haruki’s face.

“Before I let you go, there’s something I wanted to do for the past months. I don’t know if its too sudden, but when I look into your eyes I can hardly hold myself back. So… may I kiss you?”

Towards the end, Mr. Asahi’s voice sounded a little rasp, sending shivers over Haruki’s back.

Although the thought of it being too soon crossed his mind for a second, his body was just too much of a traitor, stand on the tip of his toes to get closer to the teacher whose lips he wanted to taste on his own so much.

“Yeah,” he whispered.

A soft smile appeared on Mr. Asahi’s lips as he stroke a strand of hair behind Haruki’s ear, cupping his cheek as he guided their faces closer.

The rush of heat that set Haruki’s body on fire when their lips touched, combined with the sensation of his heart jumping out of his chest right into Mr. Asahi’s arms was only surpassed by the way his teacher clawed his fingers into Haruki’s hair while holding him so gently at the same time as if Haruki was the most precious thing in his life that he never wanted to let go again. And Haruki sincerely hoped he wouldn’t.

When Haruki thought back to that day and the following evening, he still remembered everything clearly. He had been quite nervous as he had rang the bell of Mr. Asahi’s – no – Kaito’s apartment. He hadn’t even walked up the first floor when Ar-chan had come running towards him, nearly sweeping him of his feet.

The first few minutes with Kaito had felt a little awkward, but sooner than Haruki had expected, they had fallen into their habitual way of communicating as if no time had passed. Dinner had been fantastic, but the mood had completely changed when they had sat down on the sofa. Both of them had known that the talk was necessary, but starting it had been a completely different thing. In the end, it had been Kaito to start talking. In all depth, he had explained to Haruki how he had felt from the start, how he had experienced the same strong connection between them. He had spoken of his struggles to separate his private from professional life, how he had failed and how he had tried to set everything straight, eventually hurting Haruki even more. Hearing about the battles Kaito must have fought with himself had helped Haruki to understand his actions, although he still hadn’t approved them.

Then, it had been Haruki’s turn and as Kaito had promised him, he had listened to every single second of how badly he had hurt Haruki. He had borne through everything without saying a word, trying to explain things all over again or apologizing continuously. Only his face had carried the guilt he felt and although Haruki had hated to see his soulmate so crushed, he was glad nonetheless to get his thoughts off his chest.

Somewhere along the way - Haruki didn’t remember quite when – they had ended up in each other’s arms. They had started sitting next to each other with a small distance. Yet what had started with intertwined fingers and comforting caresses had soon turned into Haruki sitting between Kaito’s legs, his soulmates arms wrapped around him as their fingers of both hands were intertwined. In this position, Haruki hadn’t been able to see Kaito’s facial reaction, but his heartbeat against the boy’s back, the way his arms tightened and how his hands squeezed Haruki’s had told the student everything he needed to know.

After they had finished clearing up their past, Haruki and Kaito had done nothing, but rest cuddled up together. At some point, they had turned on the TV, although none of them had really paid attention. The small caresses and light butterfly kisses breathed here and there had been way more meaningful than anything on the screen.

Starting with this more or less “home date”, many others had followed. Kaito had invited him over for dinner. They had been in several cafés, in the cinema, in the museum. They had been going on late night walks with Ar-chan or picnicking in the park where Haruki had rested his head on Kaito’s lap while the teacher had read poems of “Les fleur du mal” to him. It had taken quite some time, but somehow, Kaito had managed to make Haruki nearly forget what he had done to him. Not completely, but enough for Haruki to forgive him. The way he cared about him, the tiniest details he paid attention to proofed to him that his former teacher’s intentions were completely sincere.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry! The staff meeting took much longer than I thought it would. Have you been waiting for long?”

Kaito and Ar-chan rushed towards Haruki and his boyfriend placed a hasty kiss on his lips.

Haruki laughed as he returned the kiss before he bend down to greet the fluffy ball of joy. “I’m fine. It’s not like I’m not used to you being late by now, Kaito.”

Scratching his neck as if he had been caught right in the act, his soulmate took Haruki’s hand into his own and laced their fingers together.

“So how’s your lecture been?”

“Great, although I have to admit that reading historical French documents is super exhausting. But the sound of it…” Haruki let out a groan.

Kaito laughed, but then bend down until his lips brushed over Haruki’s ear. His fingers traces down the student’s jawline before playing with the silver button pending on a long silver necklace. “Should I read old French love letters to you in bed tonight? Ca serait un grand plaisir.”  
/ It’d be my pleasure /

Heat rushed into Haruki’s cheeks, but he didn’t let a blush make him feel embarrassed. Instead, he grabbed Kaito by the collar of his dress shirt and pulled him down.

“Si vous le dites comme ça, je ne sais pas si je peux attendre ce soir, Monsieur Asahi. ”  
/If you say it like that, I don’t know if I can wait until tonight, Mr. Ashai. /

Kaito’s laugh was warm and deep as it brushed Haruki’s cheek.

“Sois patiente, ma Marguerite. Je ferai de mon mieux pour que ce soir, vous puissiez voir les couleurs de l'arc-en-ciel les yeux fermés. ”  
/ Be patient, my Marguerite. I’ll give my best that you will see the colours of the rainbow tonight through closed eyes. /


End file.
